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Not who I married (a bit long)
So this is interesting to me, not because it's any kind of a deal-breaker (far from it), but because I could see it being a deal-breaker for other people.
I am not religious (I'll go with "spiritual").
When J and I started dating, he was quite Catholic (all the way through Confirmation). He said grace before each meal and was considering churches to attend mass in his new neighborhood after we moved in together. I knew that when he was previously engaged, they were taking the required courses for marriage and for his fiancee to be confirmed so that they could marry at the Mission, like his parents did. He was the most religious person I ever dated.
Over time, he got lazy: stopped saying grace and gave up the church search. I felt badly about it and even started looking for a Unitarian or Universalist church for us to attend together. He wasn't into it. He said anything other than mass would be weird to him.
We talked about how we would raise our future children. He wanted them to go to Catholic school because he felt private school would be a better education. I was mildly concerned that our kids would have a stigma because their mom did not attend mass. (I think I discussed that here before. I certainly felt a stigma for not attending church while growing up in a religious town.) But I have no issue with Catholic school other than that - and making sure it's a large school so they would get the full school experience (sports and such).
Anyway - the other day, I was saying something about J being Catholic affecting certain decisions or finding a church in our new city ...and he announced that he's not Catholic anymore! He's not anything anymore!
I was a bit shocked. Giving up one's religion is no light decision. I asked if it had anything to do with the conspiracy theory stuff he's gotten into lately. He said no. He just "realized that religion was man-made" based on a lot of different sources and couldn't buy in any more.
I'm the last guy who is going to argue with that logic because of my personal beliefs about religion, but I feel weird about this. I don't know if it's because he changed part of his identity and belief system without telling me or without it being a big crisis-of-faith...or if its because I question what exactly changed his mind.
Weird. What do you think? What would you do?
Re: Not who I married (a bit long)
Hmmm, this is a tough one. Is J really close with his family? Could he have been so devout Catholic soley for his family and as he grew from them his faith faded? Could he have always questioned his faith and now that nonfaith is more accepted than in the past, he's decided he can turn to that? Or could it just be that the Pope has gone a little crazy and defended his priests abusing small boys and J had a realization?
Sorry, I know I asked more questions than gave answers. To me, religion has never been a big part of my life. DH was a devout Catholic like J with confirmation, prayers before meals, and church every Sunday. But as time went on he had less and less faith. He always discussed his faith issues with me and for him it was just over time realizing all the flaws in "the word of the Lord" and the differeneces between religions all coming from one source. Things along those lines eventually lead him out of Catholicism and all religion. Maybe it was just a slow deterioration for J.
Either way if it bothers you, I would ask him about what happened to cause him to lose his religion.
It might be similar to what happened to me after I married DH. I was a regular attender of a church (for about 9 yrs). DH didn't really care for the church...not really a belief thing just didn't care for the pastor so he wouldn't go with me. I didn't really like going by myself and after missing church for a few weeks from being out of town I started going less and less. I really haven't gone back to the church. I still have my core belief system and I didn't turn away from those beliefs I just kind of drifted away from the church and haven't been motivated by anything to go back to attending a regular service.
Agree w Hudy... I would say I have my beliefs and we do go to church, just not as regular as we 'should'. Maybe he's realized by seeing how you are that being spiritual is enough?
I would def inquire. Did something happen that you think had an effect on him? How long ago from when you talked about Catholic school til now has it been?
Maybe just being a good person is enough?
I don't know. I would ask him what triggered the change and why he doesn't consider himself Catholic anymore. I grew up Catholic in a very Catholic family (on my dad's side, mom is not Catholic). My great aunt was a nun. So we went to mass every Sunday (though we mainly just prayed before big meals . . . that my great aunt the nun was at) and I went to CCD every week. But when it was time to be confirmed, I wouldn't go through with it because I no longer considered myself Catholic and I thought it would be disrespectful.
So my point is, I have very clear reasons why I'm not Catholic and I would hope he did too. It's a matter of laziness, that's concerning. If he says, "I'm not comfortable with the church's position on _______" or "I've searched myself spiritually and now I believe _____" I think you're ok.
I agree with this! And I would be curious too. It would freak me out if N suddenly decided that he WAS religious.
And maybe he's found everything he needs in you and Scarlett, and doesn't feel like he needs a religion to feel complete.
.
That is way my feelings about religion coloring my thoughts on what might have triggered it, though.
I have not read any of the other responses to this yet but just wanted to say that J might have been mulling this over in his head for quite some time and thought it seems all of a sudden it might not be.
I was a strict athiest when I met my hubby but over the past year I have become agnostic. I havn't really discussed it with my hubby (who believes in God but is not religious) but one day he mentioned being athiest to me and I said "no I'm not that anymore, I'm agnostic" to him it was all of a sudden, but to me it was a long thought out thing.
I'm sure his decision was thought out but being on the other end of it I can see how it is kind of weird.
I agree with Cassie and Jenny. We're not religious. I was raised Catholic, but decided very early on that it wasn't for me. I'm not one for organized religion. It would definitely freak me out if DH all the sudden decided he wanted religion in our lives. If J has made some personal decisions about specific aspects of the religion that don't jive with his lifestyle/beliefs, that's one thing. But, like Cassie said, if he's just lazy about it now I'd wonder what was up.
I don't think it is weird that he "quit" religion (not even that it was Catholic...but any type of organized religion).
I do think it is odd that it was announced to you all of a sudden without having any sort of conversation before.
Its possible that he still believes in God and has faith - but that he realized that he doesn't need a religion to help him do that...or did he completely give up on God in general?
I'd just ask him why he gave it up...
TTC #1 13 cycles, CP 6/09, TTC #2 1 cycle
CDing, EP'd for 13 months for #1, BFing for #2
Pregnancy Hypertension - inductions at 39w, I grow big babies: DD was 9 pounds 1 ounce 22 inches, DS was 11 pounds even 22 inches - both vaginal deliveries
I definitely think its big to just shoot that one out at you . . . but not too strange considering the deets.
Just be there, talk to him, and thats it.
I grew up STRICT Catholic . . . like Mass in the mornings, Catholic school, priest at dinner every week . . . I'm named after my moms confirmation saint . . . ugh. I consider myself agnostic and so does R. However, after over 15 years of not going to church I started attending regularly now with my mom . . . but at the Episcopal church. Its very similar to Catholic services, but with more liberal politics . . . which I love. I want Bebe to get a sense of community and service to others, and I think attending church will help us. Also, I want to expose her to as much religion as I can so that she can make informed decisions for herself when she is an adult. And most importantly, it made me sad when my mom told me she it makes her lonely going to church alone. I'll shove my beliefs aside just to make my mom happy.
In any case, he may just need time to choose for himself . . . or perhaps this is really how he feels and you can be grateful that you will now be on the same page.