New Mexico Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How to help a friend (LONG)
My MOH and BFF since highschool has recently gone through a hard time. She just finished chemo for uterine cancer (we are 27) and she is scheduled for a hysterectomy in July to try and prevent it from coming back. This type of cancer she has/had is very aggressive and can spread to any body part.
My dilemma is that I don't know how to help her cope with the loss of her uterus. She has two beautiful children 2 and 31/2 and a very nice husband, and a super supportive family. She has pushed everyone away. She is on this crazy weight loss binge that she will not admit to doing but she is just getting skinnier and skinnier every time I see her and when we meet for lunch she takes I swear a bite and says "I'm full". She was not fat to start with.
The big problem I see is that she is not being herself. She is cheating on her husband. I really am upset by this because in my mind if you are unhappy in your marriage and have tried everything to fix it but can't, you get a divorce, you just don't cheat. She claims she just doesn't love her husband of 5 years anymore, she jsut doesn't have feeling for him. But she is not financially stable enough to be out on her own she claims (she loves to shop). She has always needed to be te center of attention, she loved being the "bride to be" and she loved being the "cute pregnant girl", and all the attention she got when he babies were still babies. Now she is getting attention from this man she works with and she is eatting it up, and meeting him after work and spending time with him. She even spent the night with the guy (claiming not to do anything, just sleep), but used me as he scapegoat. She told her husband that she was staying at my house to help me with some DIY wedding projects I had. I really do not want to lie and was not happy that she told him that she was staying with me, she told me after the fact, "oh by the way if DH asks I ws at your house".
Okay so what do I do. I just feel that all the stuff she has gonna through is making her act this way. She has pushed away anyone else who has tried to confront her about her naot being herself. I am the only one she has confided to about the cheating. So do I push going to the Dr.? So I push a therapist, should I get her family involved? Isn't this a sign of depression? I mean not acting like yourself, weight loss, seeing "other" people??
How do I help her? I am gettin married in two weeks and am stressig about that and this on top of it..
My dilemma is that I don't know how to help her cope with the loss of her uterus. She has two beautiful children 2 and 31/2 and a very nice husband, and a super supportive family. She has pushed everyone away. She is on this crazy weight loss binge that she will not admit to doing but she is just getting skinnier and skinnier every time I see her and when we meet for lunch she takes I swear a bite and says "I'm full". She was not fat to start with.
The big problem I see is that she is not being herself. She is cheating on her husband. I really am upset by this because in my mind if you are unhappy in your marriage and have tried everything to fix it but can't, you get a divorce, you just don't cheat. She claims she just doesn't love her husband of 5 years anymore, she jsut doesn't have feeling for him. But she is not financially stable enough to be out on her own she claims (she loves to shop). She has always needed to be te center of attention, she loved being the "bride to be" and she loved being the "cute pregnant girl", and all the attention she got when he babies were still babies. Now she is getting attention from this man she works with and she is eatting it up, and meeting him after work and spending time with him. She even spent the night with the guy (claiming not to do anything, just sleep), but used me as he scapegoat. She told her husband that she was staying at my house to help me with some DIY wedding projects I had. I really do not want to lie and was not happy that she told him that she was staying with me, she told me after the fact, "oh by the way if DH asks I ws at your house".
Okay so what do I do. I just feel that all the stuff she has gonna through is making her act this way. She has pushed away anyone else who has tried to confront her about her naot being herself. I am the only one she has confided to about the cheating. So do I push going to the Dr.? So I push a therapist, should I get her family involved? Isn't this a sign of depression? I mean not acting like yourself, weight loss, seeing "other" people??
How do I help her? I am gettin married in two weeks and am stressig about that and this on top of it..
Re: How to help a friend (LONG)
You're in between a rock and a hard place. Her confiding in you and using you as an excuse has made you involved.
Start by asking if she has mentioned the weight gain to a doctor. Is she going to a cancer support group (which could sequeway into seeing a therapist). Maybe ask if can go to a cancer support group with her - say something like her bout with cancer has affected you.
I know my parents marriage did fall apart because of my mom's first bout with breast cancer. My Dad quit touching her, withdrew, etc. Is that happening with her husband?
We also have tried to get her to a cancer support group but even after the chemo took her hair and put sores on her head and water made her feel like her skin was burning she says "well I was never really sick". So obviously some sort of denial is happening. She has pushed everyone away who tries to help her get help and with me getting married in two weeks she wants the jsut talk about "happy things".
Her husband is the same as he always has been except for being more attentive now. He bought her a beautiful "yay no more chemo ring", which was very sweet because she loves to get jewlery and he has been makeing more of an effort to be the happy couple that they have not been sonce day one of the marriage. Right after there wedding they had problems and have never seemed truly happy but to me that is not a reason to cheat. You don't date while still married, that is my big problem. I am so dissappointed that she would do that and the fact that I have my wedding looming is making her adultery more upsetting to me. I want our freindship to stay happy but I am so dissapointed in her for this.
I just wanna fix her problems make her happy and healthy again. My FI and I offered her our two spare rooms if she wants to leave her husband since she has 2 babies it could be a struggle to get on her feet again.
Thanks for the advice!!
If she won't accept help, there are 2 things you can do. One, end the friendship. It's a harsh action to take but at some point her problems & drama could spill over into your life. You have to decide if you want to devote the time and energy to someone else's problems. And question if you can really be true friends with someone who doesn't share one of your core values fidelity).
Or you can do what you're doing. Try to help her. Stick around and watch her flounder and hope one day she wakes up and decides to change.
Your right. I can't fix her problems though I would love to. I also do have to decide if I can just be a non-judgemental friend which is hard for me in this situation. My FI is pretty disgusted by her behavior but he thinks the best thing to do would be to let her know how I feel about it and have us be there to help her when she falls on her butt like he thinks she will.
Thanks for the help, sometimes third party advice is helpful when you don't want to see what is right in front of your face. I will stick by her and offer whatever help I can until it starts to drain on my marriage and life.
Thanks