Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Totally Random Thought
So... this has come up lately.
DH, shortly after we got together, which was shortly after he got divorced, received a call from his XW. She wanted to know what he was telling people was the reason they got divorced. He told her that he was telling people it was because she cheated on him. Multiple times. Including while they were in counselling. She responded by saying that in telling people that (which was the real reason behind their divorce), he was making her look like a whore.
Recently, on my blog, I recounted a conversation between a friend & myself. Did not mention the friend's name, nor any identifying information. To me it was a pretty innocent story, of something that happened 10+ years ago. I received an anonymous comment that if they were that friend they would be "offended" that I posted the conversation and would no longer consider me a friend (????).
Even more recently, I had someone do something (no, I'm not telling what, it's private) that wounded me greatly. Very, very hurtful & selfish. And with intent & planning. When I told her that I would have no problem telling people what she did, she told me that telling others would "ruin her life".
So... while I'm not in favor of gossip, and I know some people have varying definitions of what gossip is, I guess all of these things have led me to think that if what's being said is the truth, then... isn't the problem more in the fact that you're embarrassed / ashamed of what you did, then in the fact that someone might talk about it?
I don't know. I mean, you definitely shouldn't spread gossip maliciously (like my 3rd example, and yes, I told 2 people, one of which has never met her & I did so only for support for what I was going thru).
So, if there is no malicious intent, then is it wrong?
Like in my first example. DH answering people's questions honestly doesn't make her sound like a whore. Her actions made her look like whore.
In the 2nd example, well, I still don't know why the anonymous commenter was so upset. But if what I conveyed was the truth of what happened, and it was a conversation that happened in a public place, and there was no mention of keeping it a secret... well, then why would you be offended at me retelling it? And if you are, are you maybe actually upset at what YOU did, and embarrassed that other people now know about it? Although I'm still scratching my head over why even that would be.
As for the 3rd example, yes it would be wrong of me to tell people with malicious intent. But say someone asks what's bothering me? Don't I, as the victim of your actions, have the right to tell the truth & get support? And if that ruins your life, isn't that your problem for doing what you did in the first place? Not my problem for telling someone the truth about why I was upset?
Does any of this make sense?
Re: Totally Random Thought
It makes sense that yes, if you're ashamed of things you're doing to the point that your life is ruined if others find out about them, then you probably shouldn't do those things to begin with. Choosing to perform the action means having to deal with the consequences.
I don't think you should ever expect that you're going to screw someone over or intentionally hurt them and they're going to keep quiet about you. It's no different than getting bad service at a restaurant - people like to talk about things they've been damaged by until they get it out of their system.
I don't think you should ever feel bad about reaching out for support when you've been hurt - but I do think there are some basic guidelines for discretion. For example - if H hurts your feelings and you reach out to XW for support - that's probably not a good use of discretion on your part which adds gas to the fire rather than extinguishes the flame.
It would be helpful if you were more trustful of sharing information. It's hard to give good input without framework.
This is what I'm saying! Right?!?
Love this analogy.
I know. Especially if you've been reading my blog, right? And I wish I could. It would be helpful to me as well. Part of me just wants to tell the world & let the chips fall as they may. But... because of the situation, talking about it could potentially hurt others (not the one instigator, but other innocents), so I'm trying to hold it in as much as I can for their sake.
Ugh. I really hate being so mysterious. I really much prefer putting it all out there. Even if I end up getting flamed. Sometimes a good flaming is a good wake-up call. But in this instance, I really think it's better if I keep it quiet.
I agree with everything Notapetrock said. It's also very hard to give any feedback with all the mystery.
As for scenario #2 though, my general rule is that if it isn't my story or my news, it's not my place to retell that information. And no I don't think it matters if the person specifically asked that it be kept in confidence. My default setting is that all things are said to me in confidence unless told otherwise.
Honestly this all just sounds petty.
There was a reason you posted this information on your blog. When you make public posts you have no idea who is reading them. I have to wonder if maybe you were being passive aggressive in this situation. What is the point in dragging old skeletons out of the closet? Isn't it time to move on?
Women are the least likely to forgive, forget and move on. In general we hold onto things longer and use experiences to hurt others.
While you may not have had identifying information you definitely have motives for sharing that now. What if the person you were talking about was the one reading your blog. How would you feel if someone aired your dirty laundry on their blog? I imagine you and this other person have mutual friends you have that could connect the dots.
We all do stupid things that we would rather not re-live and confide in the people we trust to help us through. IMO it was unnecessary to break the confidence of this person.
In the first situation, who would ask someone why they got divorced? To me, that is a very personal question to begin with. It can't be coming from close friends or else they would already know why. If he wants to tell what really happened, that's his call. The truth is the truth.
As far as your disclosure on the blog...some people are just way too touchy. If you didn't disclose any names, it's your story to tell. It's your blog so tell what you want, not to mention it was 10+ years ago. Whoever made this anonymous comment...which already shows what a coward they are...has their own issues and your post triggered it. Don't take it to heart. Weirdos are everywhere.
As for your last situation, I don't blame you for not sharing details here or anywhere. The internet can be a very dangerous place and most definitely not trustworthy. Whatever you put out there is out there forever and you never know who is reading it. In personal life, you know who to trust with this story and its truth and who not to. When I'm hurt, however, I have to really be honest with my intent in re-telling a story where someone else has hurt me. Sometimes my intent is to hurt them back by changing the way they are viewed by others so I want to tell the story...did this a lot in my younger years because I was in Class A victim mode :-) Now, I rarely talk about my hurts by others unless it is to the person who hurt me. For me, it's just not productive to re-hash, re-live and re-tell every gory, hurtful detail to anyone who'll listen. If you listen to your gut, you'll know how to handle each situation.