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Another depressing cancer post
I found out on Saturday night that a dear friend of mine was diagnosed with Stage 5 terminal stomach cancer that had spread to her lymph nodes. She had no warning signs, no symptoms until last week when she started to feel nauseous and threw up and it had blood. They are only giving her a matter of weeks as there are no treatment options for her at this point and she has rejected doing chemotherapy and radiation. As she said, she wants her last few weeks on the planet to be spent NOT in a hospital. I totally get it and am supporting her the best I can.
She's asked me to be her medical power of attorney and I am just waiting for the paperwork from her lawyer. My question is, what all does that entail? She is currently going through a divorce after about an 8 month separation from her husband and Im pretty sure he wouldn't give a crap what happens to her. However, I was just wondering that if it came down to it, would it be him vs. me since they are still theoretically married? I know her wishes and I want to make sure that those are met. I haven't stopped crying since Saturday night and I'm just trying to be there as much as I can for her. Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions, or comments from people who have done this for someone?
Re: Another depressing cancer post
I don't have any legal advice, but her situation sucks!
I hope she has an easy time, and I wish you lots of strength and courage to be there for her.
OMG, I have no advice re: legal situation, but I can't imagine her STBX being such a heartless bastard! I would be upset even if my worst enemy was given such a diagnosis.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, hopefully you can spend time with her over these next few weeks. and I hope the diagnosis is incorrect and she has more time. ;(
Sometimes I pin stuff
I am so very sorry. I am not a lawyer, but I would assume that a medical power of attorney would give you the right to make medical decisions for her, in the event that she is unable to do so. If she has not called Hospice yet, suggest that she call them NOW. They will have nurses and social workers who can help her cope with this very short end to her life, they will take care of obtaining medication for her - cancer HURTS, and she will likely need a lot of pain meds, if she needs a hospital bed in her home, they will take care of that. Once you sign her medical power of attorney, you may have the ability to contact Hospice on her behalf. Hospice can also provide someone to sit with her around the clock if need be. If she gets to a point where she can't stay at home anymore, they can arrange for transport to a hospice center. My dad was in hospice care, and they were so wonderful. I would highly recommend hospice for anyone facing a terminal illness.
In terms of the divorce, I would encourage her to talk to her attorney about her estate - what will happen if she dies before the divorce is final, can she draft a will if she has property, etc. that she doesn't want her ex to have. Does she have family around at all? Someone will need to act as the executor of her estate. It doesn't have to be a family member though. At some point, the subject of a memorial will need to be raised with her. What are her wishes - does she want to donate any organs that can be donated? Does she want to be cremated? Buried? What does she want done with her remains? These are very difficult conversations to have, but someone is going to have to have them with her. If she can't talk about it, you could gently suggest that perhaps she write down whatever she wants, to be read later.
In terms of how YOU cope, you can also talk to social workers and counselors through hospice and it's all free of charge. I would spend as much time with her as possible, but understand that especially toward the end, she likely won't feel like talking, but she'll appreciate you being there. She may want a bunch of family and friends around her in the next few weeks, or she may want to limit visitors. Either way, it's okay. Try to remember that no matter how much you empathize with her, this is a journey that she is taking on her own, and you really don't understand and can't unless it happens to you. Expect a lot of anger from her - she's young and only has weeks to live. That would anger most people! If there is something she wants to do or feels up to doing, go along with it, within reason of course. She probably won't feel up to eating much at all, but if she has a craving, help her get whatever it is. Also, try to have someone YOU can lean on while you help her. Having some sort of outlet for your grief, frustration, exhaustion, etc. is a good thing.
Again, I am so very sorry for your friend, and I hope that she is able to be at peace in her final weeks.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
From what I am understanding, it does mean that. She has expressed her opinions to me. She wants a DNR and for her bosy to go to medical research since she will be unable to be an organ donor due to the cancer. She's already on a LOT of pain meds. The poor girl has had a shitty last few years. Major car accident that left her severely crippled, multiple seizures a day, etc. She said she's already contacted Hospice, but I won't know for sure until she comes back from visiting her parents on Sunday. I know that she is vehemently against going to the hospital for any length of time. And I mean vehemently.
Her attorney isn't really much help right now. She doesn't have a will and doesn't have any of an estate as she already sold most of it to pay for past medical bills. Her family all lives out of state and the only thing she would be leaving behind is a dog. She's currently living with friends and has been for the last 8 months. Aside from already being on Medicare and whatnot, she really doesn't have anything to her name. As for her after life wishes, I'm not exactly sure. She says she has it taken care of and that Medicare will pay for it and has already chosen funeral services and whatnot, but again, I won't be able to confirm until Sunday. I do plan on getting her to write everything down. I also plan to make sure that the paperwork for the DNR is posted where she lives, with Hospice, with 911 and also to have a scanned copy with me in case I can't get to San Antonio in time.
As for her husband, the reason they are divorcing is because of his prescription pill and drug habit. She got clean and sober (she's also an ex-addict but it was brought on because of her crippling status and doctors that were not paying attention to her prescriptions) and he refused. Hence the separation and divorce. But again, she doesn't have anything to her name and has already said that it's ok for her ex to take the dog. (Ugh.... poor dog)
I'm not worried about me. My parents know her well and are willing to support me in all my decisions and are planning on coming to the hospital with me or wherever it may be when the time comes so that she has at least us three there. And Dave already has plans for what to do if we get the call. She doesn't have too many friends around San Antonio, but I am in contact with her sponsor so we can all be there for her. She's already saying her goodbyes to her family so Im not sure if they are going to come into town or what. Again, I wont know until Sunday. I know that of the people she knows, I'm the only sober person (shocking, I know, for some of the old members on here who knew me in my party past) she knows aside from her sponsor and her sponsor doesn't feel like she can take on the responsibility. My feeling is that I'm going to worry about her anyway, so I might as well worry while doing something to help her. That way I know that at least in some way, I could help make this time a little easier. And here come the tears again.
i'm so sorry. that's really rough. (((( hugs ))))
t&p for her and her family, and you! i wish i had some advice!
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DD, I'm really sorry. It's not fair at all when people are given x number of weeks, WEEKS, to cope with dying, settle affairs, say goodbyes, etc. Not fair at all.
As an aside,I haven't heard of a stage 5 cancer. I thought cancers were staged through 4.
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March 2012- Dx with PCOS, started metformin
July 2012- SA completely normal
my eyes welled up reading this, DD. I'm so sorry that she's dealing with this, you're faced with these tough decisions, and that her lousy ex gets that dog!
What a terrible situation for anyone to face, but it seems especially tragic for someone who seems to have so much life left to live.
Hugs to her, you, and all of her family and friends.
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Oh, definitely, and I hope what I posted wasn't offensive b/c I was worried about saying anything. I was really just curious more than anything about what Stage 5 would be and couldn't figure out a tactful way of saying that.
Again, so sorry for your friend. I can't imagine how she and her family and friends are feeling right now.
No offense taken
I just dont know my cancer terminology.
Thanks ladies for all the thoughts and prayers. Ill keep you updated as I get news.