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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Question for Discussion
What made you decide to have children? As someone who will probably never choose to have kids, I find myself wondering why others decided to have them. It's an honest question and I'm truly curious to know some of the reasons.
Re: Question for Discussion
For me, I always knew I wanted children. Same for DH. While I feel like we were definitely a family before having Ben, I also felt like it wasn't complete. That something was missing.
That said, I am now wavering on having more kids. DH wants at least one more, and I'm on the fence. Kids are HARD work and put a big strain on our marriage for a while. I don't know that I want to test it again if that makes sense.
Oh, I can't wait to read the responses! I've been struggling with this issue lately and would love to hear responses about how you knew it was a good idea to have kids.
I've always been good with children and enjoyed being around them. My mom had a home daycare from when I was in middle school - college. I always had a bond with those kids and of course my nieces and nephews. I knew I wanted to have a family. I love being able to watch my girls discover new things. Yesterday, we went for a walk and Allison brought along her little wagon and we had to stop every few feet to pick up sticks, leaves, etc. Just watching her face and how excited she was made me feel at peace.
I love that I am able to do the things that I saw my sisters do with their kids - take them to see Santa, hid Easter Eggs, take to to Nick. Jr live shows.
And part of it is thinking when I got old. I know having kids doesn't mean that they will be around when you get old - things could happen, they could pass away before you or they could hate your guts, but I couldn't imagine being old and not extending my branch on the family tree, so to speak.
Now having said all this, there were times that I wondered if I would have a family. I didn't meet Brian until my late 20s and was begining to wonder if I would find "Mr. Right." and then after we were married, it was always in the back of our minds what if we couldn't have children. I always told myself that we would live a full and happy life even if that was the case. We weren't going to let that determine the happiness of our family.
For me, I couldn't imagine not being a mommy. I love everything about it, even the sleepless nights. There is nothing more amazing than watching my child grow and learn. I don't think I can even say what made me decide to have them b/c I always wanted them.
I wanted to raise children with my husband and to have that journey with him. I knew he'd be a great father and we are quite a team. There are several times a day where we just smile at each other while watching our daughter play. I thought I loved him as much as I could, but I can honestly say I love him more now than before Mere.
Like Freeburger, I've always thought I wanted a big family. After having one, I think I've scaled my plans back a bit because being a mom is tough. There isn't one thing I'd change though.
Those of you that are choosing not to have kids or are leaning towards no, why/how did you come to that decision?
For those moms who have answered the first question, a lot of you answered "I felt like something was missing" as the reasoning for having children, so now I want to know if now that you have kids, did they fill that missing space?
x's 2!!!!!!!!
I go back and forth. H wants another, but I am having doubts. I could be very happy with my one lovely baby.
I'm going to start a new thread for this.
Absolutely. So much so, in fact, that sometimes I question whether we need more. If I wasn't so against having an only child, I'd probably just stick with Mere haha.
Definitely. In my case at least. I feel like my family could very well be complete now. H might feel differently, but for now, the missing piece has been found. It's such a hard journey - seriously harder than I ever imagined - but we love it. We do the same thing LVila and her H do; bond while watching our baby laugh and play and grow, etc. It's a cool experience.
I'm undecided on the issue, but I'll answer this question anyway. Here's my reasoning for often (although not always) leaning toward no:
- I've never felt like there's anything missing in my marriage. I feel like it is complete and happy just the way it is.
- I've never been a "kid person". I don't love spending time with kids.
- There's never been a point in my life where I've "always wanted to be a mom and have a family".
- I enjoy my career and I enjoy sharing an independent lifestyle with my husband. I don't want to feel guilty about working outside of the home and enjoying "me time".
- Ultimately: I'm happy with my life as it is now. Why change it?
I'd say there's an 80% chance we'll have children. I won't have them until I'm really ready though. We often mention "when we have kids" or what our kids will be able to do and not do, etc.
The only thing that makes me lean towards no is we are really happy right now. Everything feels great and I think I could go on w/o kids and have a wonderful happy life with just my husband and dogs. I don't necessarily feel like something is missing, but I do wonder about what having a baby around would be like, and I do think I would love being a Mama. But, bringing another human into our home brings so many uncertainties, and I'm scared to upset the happiness we have already.
And like I said, I absolutely adore children. But I also wonder if that void can be successfully filled by watching my nephews, nieces and friends kids grow up - because I seriously love them all. I know it may be different than the love/pride I would feel for my own kid, but I can't imagine loving a kid more than I love those kids either.
I wouldn't say that I adore children. I do adore my nephews though. There are a lot of things we want to do for our nephews that we wouldn't be able to do if we have kids of own. Their parents do a fine job raising them, but I want to help with some of the big financial things like college that their parents probably won't be able to do for them. It's almost like maximizing our benefit to the world--like giving all three of them two sets of parents or something.
I never really thought about having kids when I was younger.
With my first marriage at 18, I was not ready to have kids. My exh wanted to have a baby right away but for whatever reason it took us 7 years into our marrige to conceive Katie. Our marriage was on the rocks by then and we were headed for divorce when I found out I was pregnant with Katie. Thinking maybe it would make a difference, I stayed in the marrige. Nothing changed so just after Katie turned 1, I moved Katie and I out and into our own apartment and filed for divorce.
About 6 months after I moved out I met my now DH who is 5 years younger than I (I was 26, he was 21 when we met). He had never been married or had any kids. I would take Katie to the gym with me when I worked out and H would be there too and always enjoyed seeing Katie and holding her etc. He loved Katie right from the start and looked to her as his own. So as time went on and our relationship grew we would talk about kids but there was never this "oh we need to have one together", dispite what everyone else thought and said. MH is perfectly content with Katie as am I. Honestly I enjoy only having one child. I know people say you "can't have just one", but we did and we're fine with that. My exh went on and remarried and has a stepdaughter and a son with his now wife so Katie does have siblings on his side, so she says she doesn't need anymore, LOL. Secretly I think she LOVES being the only child and all the perks that come with that. Luckily she is such a sweet soul so she does not act like a spoiled rotten child. And if I'm being honest, at this point I would be mortified if I found out I was pregnant. I don't want to do the diapers, 2 am feedings, day care, formula, etc all over again. If it did happen we would of course love the child and get used to the idea but we are definetly trying to prevent that.
Brown, it melts my heart everytime you talk about your H and Katie. For some reason, I just think that is the most beautiful thing. He sounds like a wonderful guy.
Thanks Suze ? He truly was sent to us. Since the very beginning he has done anything and everything he can to make Katie and I feel loved and protected. Although he's younger, he has an old soul and has such a great character about him. One of those kinds of guys who when he gives you his word, he stand's by it. He is loyal and doesn't waiver. He is a great friend, one who you have for a lifetime. Do I wish he'd help out more with cleaning the house, taking care of the laundry, putting his dishes in the dishwasher, sure I do, but when I start to go off on those things I try to put it in perspective and think about how lucky I am to have him for so many other reasons that matter more to me than the laundry and the floor getting vaccumed. KWIM. ?
My response might be a little different from the rest of the moms so far.
I was one of those people who could've been happy without kids, I think. I was very happy in my marriage, and didn't feel like anything was missing.
I was petrified (and still am) and overwhelmed at the responsibility that having kids brings. At the same time, I knew I'd be able to bring a child into the world and give him/her all the love they need. When I pictured my life, I pictured myself having kids and being a mom. I could picture it without (and did), but having kids was the image I envisioned first. It just felt right. Not having kids would a life I could live with if I had to (like if we were unable to have our own children, etc.) Yikes, I'm having a hard time putting into words what I mean.
I don't feel like I'm a natural with kids like a lot of you guys are, but at the same time, I think it's different when you have your own. At least based on my experience with my nephews as opposed to other people's kids. And also: I still kind of feel like I don't care for a lot of other people's kids. Just b/c I'm going to have my own, my brother has kids, my friends have kids; doesn't mean I like the rest of the world's kids. :-)
To answer the question about kids filling a void or a space....I never felt like my life was missing something, so I don't feel that way about it. I just feel it's going to be something that enriches my life not fills it. If that makes sense.
I always wanted to be a mom. Growing up I always pictured myself having kids. I also know that my H will be an awesome dad. I can't wait to see him holding our son. I get tears just thinking about that first time.
But beyond that I'm still scared about how Baby Rebel will change the dynamics of our life. Like pps have said, they are really happy with their marriage now. H and I have a great relationship, and great communication. While I know things will be hard, I'm hoping that those things will help us stay strong and make our marriage stronger. I guess it's a little late in the game to be worrying about this, but I do.
My Profile
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I think about it all the time too.
I feel very much like you Ker.
I was 29 when I had Charlie. At 25, I was not ready to have children and I knew that. When we got married, we discussed kids and knew eventually we would have them, but not right away. That was key for us. We went to Europe, we enjoyed our "us" time and waited for the right time. I could have been happy with or without children from about 25-28, and then at 28, I just knew we were ready.
About the missing piece. I disagree there, and just read Suze's response to not having kids above. I think it's a misnomer to think that all folks that do have kids, feel as if they are filling a void of some sort. Children shouldn't fill a void. In my opinion, your marriage shouldn't need anything else, EVER. Having kids adds an extension of love and family that will grow on forever. It's enriching to my life, not filling something that is missing from it.
I hope that makes sense.
I was terrified most of my pregnancy and worried about how the changes would affect our life. Part of my hesitation in my 20's was that I don't do well with change. In some ways, having a child has benefited me more than I would ever know because it has totally made me RELAX. I never thought I would be a relaxed mom, I thought it would be the opposite! He has taught me about patience and love in ways that I never knew could exist. Preceding kids is a scary time, because of the unknown. Once you are in IT, and there is no turning back, you just find it in you to do it. It's crazy, actually! Being a parent is tough, but rewarding.
I think having kids is a very personal choice (as we all know
Some people aren't cut out for it, and I am definitely one that understands the reasons. I have been there too 
Definitely. He has brought so much joy and fulfillment into my life, I feel like Ben was the "missing piece". So much that I am a little afraid of having another because I feel so content with just Ben.
Before getting serious with Jim, I was never 100% certain that I needed babies to come out of my body.
I lovvvveee kids, and entertained the idea of adopting (even if I were on my own at the time), but never felt like they'd be necessary for my life to feel whole.
When Jim and got engaged, I knew that we would somehow have kids in our home. I knew that in partnership, we'd be pretty great at raising children, that if there was going to be a next generation in the world, we'd like to have a pretty major hand in raising some representitives.
And then, 3 months before we got married, I found out that Willa was on the way.
So, I never really "chose" to have kids - at least our first. We knew that if we had children, we'd have more than one.
I never thought kids would fill anything that felt missing, but they did fill a ____ (something; not a hole, not a void...) more than I ever would have imagined. Inviting little people into my life has been such an amazing growth experience for me, for Jim, and for us.
Great discussion- I have loved reading everyone's response.
I don't have kids yet, but I echo the women who said they just always pictured themselves with kids. My mom had an in-home day-care when I was growing up, so I was always around little kids. In 2007 and 2008 I worked as a nanny for three babies (6 week twins and 18 month sister when I started) and I just loved it. I was so fulfilled.
For various reasons, DH and I want to bring children into our family both by adoption and through pregnancy. Max 2 by pregnancy and the # of adoptions depend on our resources when we get to that stage.
I think about our future children literally every day. It is not the right time for us now, but I am very eager to get to that place and bring those little ones home
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
adoption blog: addingaburden.com