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IL vent- WWA08D? (long)
My MIL and SFIL are always late. ALLLLways. We know this, we love them- but they are always late.
They usually arrive late with an excuse like "we got a late start", or "we decided to stop for lunch (?!?)". I'm not talking about had-a-legitimate issue tardiness: they are eternally late.
Since Liam was born, our patience for this has been worn pretty thin. He is a baby, and we both feel that their level of respect is not fitting of our situation. They have shown up two hours late to our house to come visit him- and are then surprised when he is sleeping or eating or getting ready for bed (or we are 5 minutes from eating dinner).
Two weeks ago, they were 30+ minutes late for Liam's birthday party. Luckily my family was there to help set up, etc. (the party was at our local park- we rented a room). Since MIL had offered to make a salad, I (wrongly) assumed she would come on time. NOPE.
So yesterday morning- for Mother's Day- we invited them to join us for breakfast at our fave cafe. This place is always jammed, so since they open at 7:30am, we asked them to meet us at 7:45am. We live 20-25 minutes from this cafe, they live maybe 10 minutes, max. At 7:47am, we received a text "we're on our way!". They arrived at 8:15. By this point, we have been obligating one of the largest tables in the cafe since 7:35am. There is a line out the door of people waiting, and our (normally very nice) waiters and waitresses are giving us death stares.
We ordered as soon as they arrived, and were back in the car by 8:50am.
Michael has had enough. He is done with meeting up with them, making plans, etc. He was really, really upset Sunday morning. I was determined to not let it ruin Mother's Day, but I am at a loss of what to do. It is his mom, and her husband. I feel a bit like it isn't my place to say anything, but I don't want to be put in this very uncomfortable situation again.
What do you think?
(Lovely ebelskivers for all who got through that- PHEW!)
Re: IL vent- WWA08D? (long)
We have the same problem- SIL is ALWAYS late. So we tell her an earlier time to be there and she sometimes is actually on time. I think that's the best way to handle it; tell them to be there half an hour earlier than you will be...
But there really isn't anything you can do to change them.
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Haha I love that everyone seems to have this in their families. I told Michael that we should say 15 minutes earlier (ie say 7:30am when we want them there for 7:45am) but he feels so hurt by them and the fact that they are completely unapologetic for their tardiness. He wants to cut off communication- period; or at the very least never wait for them for anything ever again.
We had a time when FIL and MIL first separated & then got divorced that we did not see his mom for at least a year. I love my MIL but I worry that this could happen again.
Do you think that we should say something? Or just fudge the times and see if it helps?
I do kind of love the thought of ordering at the time we asked them to meet and leaving when we are done though- I would love to do this once!!
IMO rude people need to be told straight out how rude they are becuase they just don't realize it. I think if you come right out and say that it's irritating and uncomfortable they may feel really bad and want to change. Go in with specific examples, like 10 or 20 of them. LOL
And what is "ebelskivers" cause I know I want one!
You could talk to them, but honestly I wouldn't bother because it seems like some people just are that way. Michael should think about if he wants to let this jeopardize a relationship, I really think he will regret it later.
I would do a combo of the above posts, tell them to be there earlier than they need to be (it does work for us!) AND if they don't show up on time, order yourselves and if you're done before they get there, then they lost out and maybe they'll turn around a little bit. If at that point they ask why you started, just be honest with them.
Gerrie, I agree to always talk to someone and be up front but I've seen this and it just seems like a personality issue and talking, lol, hasn't seemed to help. I don't really sweat it with my SIL but I have an aunt the same way so I grew up with this and... I dunno, it's just the way they both seem to be. Yes, it's very rude. If we have something time sensitive, we don't count on the late person (i.e. just eat yourselves).
Side note- just went to a baby shower a few weeks ago and the mother-to-be was an hour and a half late to her own shower!
It was jack and jill, so at least DH was there with me. She's another one of those who is always late.
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SIL is always late too. Yesterday she was late for dinner at the ILs and we ate without her. Katie was about to gnaw off her own arm by the time we sat down and we were all done eating by the time SIL showed up.
Sadly, even if you eat without them, it's not going to change their behavior. People are late for one reason only - because they don't care about *your* time.
I would start telling them 15-20 min earlier. I have to do this with a friend. I never tell her the right time because she shows up anywhere from 1-3 hours late. DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!
It sounds like there might be a reason you don't want to talk to her. Are you trying to avoid hurting her feelings or just conflict in general? You mention that your DH wants to totally cut them off because of this. That sounds a little extreme. Its annoying and even extremely frustrating at times but I can't imagine cutting my mom off for being late all the time (which she is, so I understand how frustrating this is).
I think you should both talk to her the next time you have this issue. Explain that your time is important and that you enjoy spending time with them. Tell them that you don't want each visit with them to be tainted with your annoyance because they aren't on time.
Both of you could also relax a little and just expect them to be late all the time. It will save you a lot of annoyance. You could also start being a little rude by telling them that the baby is sleep or you're about to eat dinner when they show up late.
~~~MARRIED BIO~~~
You are right, in a way I am trying to avoid conflict. DH's brother and his wife have largely cut MIL and SFIL out of their lives, and I don't want to wind up like that, too. (That is a whole other story, though- and BIL& SIL are basically trying to not participate in the family at all. )
DH has always been the "good" son to his parents, but he has very little patience with them when it comes to their flaws.That is- behind their backs. To their faces he tries to make nice.
As far as being a little bit rude to them- I have tried to be clear with them that we don't appreciate their tardiness, etc. For example, when they arrived on Sunday, SFIL saw the line out the door and commented something to the affect of "Gee, when did you get here?" I told him right then & there "7:35". I wanted to make it clear that we had been there on time/early, as I was hoping it would illicit at least a thought from them that they should explain their tardiness. But DH would much rather stew about it than deal with ruining a holiday, etc.
Haha we have tried the eating dinner when they arrive-they want to join us!
Oh well.
~~~MARRIED BIO~~~
I know you are right, but since it isn't my family (technically) I tend to follow DH's lead. I also didn't want to start something on Mother's Day. Ugh ugh ugh. I just wish they would take the hint- maybe a few weeks of no invites will help.
my mom is always late. always. has been forever. drives me insane. i was always the poor kid that showed up late for birthday parties, events, etc because she was running late. we call it Debbie time. we've talked to her about it, and she's tried to get up earlier, or get ready earlier and she still can't make it on time so i'm not sure what that's about. we just tell her to be somewhere about 15 minutes before we really need her there and then she's on time. she's totally aware of her problem, and she tries really hard to be on time because she knows its irritating but sometimes she just can't help it.
This is my mom too. I am always on time because it annoyed me so much growing up. I used to get really mad at friends and DH for being late because it felt so disrespectful to me. There were some tense moments and arguments with friends over it. I think I held a lot inside growing up when I had no control over it so I took it out on people around me when I got older. I've lightened up (a little) and now I don't stress as much about being on time and I don't get as mad at friends.
~~~MARRIED BIO~~~
Yeah I had a hard time with this too - it used to irritate the heck out of me when people would be late. More often than not they weren't late, they were on time, I was just like 15 minutes early so it made them seem late. I've lightened up a little, but when people are really late and don't even bother to let me know then I get upset.