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Sex with DH is akward
DH and I haven't had a healthy sex relationship for about two years. Beginning that time, he worked two jobs and some days was just never home. That is how we fell out of things. Then I got pregnant and he felt wrong about having sex with the baby in there. Now, I am breastfeeding, not feeling sexy at all, and not willing to initiate. Everytime we try, it's like we don't know what to do. We both want to have sex, but no one will go for it. It feels like when we first got married, but worse because he won't foreplay, he just wants to get down to it. So, has anyone experienced a period of akwardness and have any advice? And, yes, I have tried to talk to him but he is very non-confrontational and doesn't communicate well about things that embarrass him.
Re: Sex with DH is akward
Why doesn't he want to engage in foreplay? That seems like a huge red flag along with avoiding sex while pregnant. I'm wondering if he has some M/W issues. Sex (or communicating about sex) should never be embarrassing.
You say he wouldn't engage in foreplay when you first got married. How did you get him to realize it's importance?
As you stated ? ?DH and I haven't had a healthy sex relationship for about two years.? That is not heading for a good marriage ? he is just not living up to the marriage vows. ?? love, honor, and obey ?.? Here he is just not ?honoring? you by ?loving? you as it is intended to be.
It sounds like you need a marriage counselor ? NOW!!! This is just not normal for a man (that is) to just give up on sex while you are pregnant or afterward. Is he a man or a child? Did the baby take his place ? I mean is the baby the reason you don?t get him involved in its care or him spending time with his child? He needs involvement with his child so he will see your needs and take care of them ?
I do agree with ?Pastrypuff9000? on why he doesn?t engage in foreplay, why would sex be embarrassing for him to talk about; but, I am not quite sure what is meant by M/W as to the other ? no there is defiantly something wrong here. Did he really not engage in foreplay on/with you in the early days of your marriage? Honey you have more problem(s) than him just not having or wanting sex with you. As I said ? (both of) you need to see a marriage counselor on this one ? NOW.
Some of the posting you made sounds like you have (in him) another child ? age 8-11 year old ? he needs to become a man not another little boy!
Honestly,your DH sounds incredibly immature and selfish.
He was turned off by sex because you were pregnant? He doesn't want to take the time to engage in foreplay and he doesn't want to even discuss sex.
Mature adults in a mature relationship need to communicate about such matters. I suggest counselling for him to get over hi shyness with the topic and possibly sex therapy for the two of you to learn how to communicate about sex.
Well les&jus, here?s some answers to what you posted (yours in black and mine in blue) so here goes:
DH and I haven't had a healthy sex relationship for about two years. You said DH here then that you were not having a healthy relationship ? well what I see is that you give him status as ?D?ear this is not what I?d say: here he would just be referred to as ?H? only not ?DH?. Beginning that time, he worked two jobs and some days were just never home. That is how we fell out of things. I can understand these two statements because he?s probably very tired from having to work on two jobs ? not really up to having sex in this time frame. Then I got pregnant and he felt wrong about having sex with the baby in there. I can understand his point of view; but don?t go along with it since my DH had more sex with me when I was pregnant. He was all over me up until the doctor said ? ?no more sex* until I say so. Do you understand that?? Now, I am breastfeeding, not feeling sexy an all, and not willing to initiate. I understand this also ? I felt that same way; but, I did still have sex with him even though it did nothing for me, I still wanted him satisfied ? so we just did it anyway. I knew it was important to him ? so I just keep him happy during that time. Every time we try, it's like we don't know what to do. We both want to have sex, but no one will go for it. I did go for it ? even when it seemed to be a chore so we would still have that special relationship later. It feels like when we first got married, but worse because he won't foreplay, he just wants to get down to it. Here is something that is touchy ? I did get him to give me lots of attention in this department so it would be enjoyable for us both; but, especially for me. I needed him to get me in the mood so we did a lot of hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. he would also get me extremely well lubricated before insertion began. So, has anyone experienced a period of awkwardness and have any advice? Talk to him about it ? explain to him how you feel get him involved with you and that little daughter completely he needs to bond with her as her father. With you as his wife ? you need him so get things rolling it?s your responsibility to get this done for your sake as well as that new baby?s. And, yes, I have tried to talk to him but he is very non-confrontational and doesn't communicate well about things that embarrass him. Just talking sometimes needs a little shove more force in the voice to MAKE him hear you. Get the talking guns out ? tell him he needs to take care of the home front FIRST. Tell him he?s loved, tell him you love him, tell him you care about him, that you need him want him ? not only as a father for that little daughter; but, more importantly your husband. Tell him that he?s got the responsibly for his family now. Make him a part of that child?s life ? now and a husband to you and your needs as such. Tell him how you feel about sex ? demand it from him. Even if it is somewhat a chore for you just demand and have him do you. Have him give you lots of foreplay even if you don?t have intercourse. Cuddle, hug, kiss on each other ? meet him at the door when he comes in ? tell him how much you missed him. Get back that feeling you had when just dating. Do you understand! I said DO YOU UNDERSTAND!!!
A little extra something: here you need to take charge ? I see that your child (a daughter) is some over 8 months now it's about time you?re starting to wean her from your breast ? here though you should talk with her pediatrician making sure its about her time. Many children however stop breastfeeding on their own between 7-? and 12 months. All 5 of mine did it between 8-? and 11-? months of age. They all started on that sip-pie cup.
*Here sex and my DH was taken away from having intercourse with me for between 8-? and 10 weeks while I was pregnant (giving birth) with the children. One was 4 days early ? three were on the day stated and one was 9 days late. Here DH did what he was told to do about not have intercourse with me ? but we (I) took care of him in other ways.
We?ve always had a good sex life together and always will as long as we live. He?s always been there for me all of these more than 48 years together.
You need to make your husband understand as a woman you need certain things out of life that he?s to provide ? sex being one of them. OK!!! I do defiantly agree with the OP on here especially that one from meg2u7 about not living up to the wedding vows ? about ?love and honor?!
~~Emily~~
As previously stated. If you can't talk to DH, who can you talk to. Yes you do have to talk. Most straight men lack the ability to read minds, take hints or see the obvious.
It's possible DH has been making do with a quick "wham bam thankyou mam" curtosey of his right hand and a girly magazine.
He may have to re-learn how to warm up before having sex.
Madonna-Wh0re Syndrome.
Google it; sounds to me that's his problem.
Fixable; see a sex therapist.
YOu've had a less than stellar physical relationship for two years? My guess is you never spoke to him about this. On top of the problems in the sex department, you also have COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS.
Counseling for that, too. GL.
I would try talking about it again, but the way in which you talk about it needs to change. Try sitting him down when your mother has the baby, or when s/he's taking a nap. Start by saying that you love him and that you need him to talk with you about this. Explain that you find it embarrassing too, but that if you can't talk about this sort of thing with your spouse, than who can you talk about it with?
Explain to him that you loved the way you had sex 2 years ago before the bad jobs and the baby, and that you miss feeling special and connected to him by making love. You don't want to just have sex as a way to orgasm... you want it to be something that strengthens the connection and love you share.
Perhaps if you try talking to him in a different way and explaining to him why it saddens (not upsets or angers) you that things have been this way in your sexual life, he'll have a different response.
Be particularly careful not to criticize or degrade him, because that could shut things down further. This discussion shouldn't be "You never take the time for foreplay anymore" but "I miss the way we used to make love and would like it if we can put effort into to get there again."
I really hope you can find a way to get through this. Good luck.
Hi, Don't usually come to this board. But I feel better knowing I'm not the only one. H and I are having similar issue and I'm grateful to read this post and responses below to maybe help moves us into a better phase for our marriage.
GL!
What happened to this site? Everyone use to be so helpful and friendly? Many of these responses are mean. Yes she does need help but, it doesn't need to be put like that.
I'm so sorry you're going through that it must be really tough. I would seek help from a therapist. I hope you find some help out there! Good luck and God bless.
Maybe the two of you need to make more time to know each other again. You are different people now, you are mom and dad. This changes EVERYTHING about you and yes it can affect how one or both think about sex. I know of women that can't let their husbands do anything around their boobs now because they feel like those are for the baby.
Could there be some issues there, sure. But it also could just be that the two of you need to take some time for yourselves to let the fires heat up again. Have one of your parents watch the kid and get out and do something romantic that would have sparked some stuff in the past! Try to hold hands and be affectionate. When you get home, throw on something sexy and see how he reacts.
When my wife is pregnant she kind of shuts down the sexual side. Its hard and it makes me change a little. It takes me a while to get the system rebooted after the baby and get things back to how they were. Maybe that is all he needs.
On a side note. Some of you ladies should be ashamed. Quit trying to make this into some HUGE deal that the guy is this awful person. Being a parent can change people for the good or the bad, until you are one you won't ever know.
Hi! Hmmm--I do think the fact that he is not willing to engage in some kind of foreplay does send a signal and the fact that he isn't willing to talk about it is another. What do you know of his background? Some men are raised to not talk about those issues and just have a hard time in dealing with anything sensitive.
Is he willing to talk with someone else that you both can trust; a mutual friend or perhaps a reverend? Would he be willing to go on a weekend trip where you can just be with him?
Hang in there! There is always a way to solve a problem whether it be one thing that does the trick or a series of little things.
Sorry to hear this. I have some ideas that I hope will help you two.
Things got awkward with my hubby and I since he works long hours at work. He usually was too tired to make love but I started doing some things to try to create more of a spark so we could have more foreplay.
This may be out of your norm or element but it really worked for me. Once you put the kids to bed try to surprise your husband.
If he gets home later, create a romantic atmosphere. If you've got nice lingerie or anything that he likes and makes YOU feel sexy put it on. My husband and I will sometimes go to the adult store together and pick out things that we may want to try out or outfits he may like me in. He said once he would love to see me in a french maid costume so I surprised him one night. He got off work, walked into the bedroom, I had nice music playing, a few candles lit, and I was wearing my french maid costume with the little feather duster in my hand.
The other day I made sure when he got home from work I was wearing his favorite cami, some cute undies, a cute headband with a bow, and some pearls. When he got upstairs his thoughts of going to mow the lawn completely changed to something else.
I know you say you're to tired to initiate and don't feel sexy but you may have to do some things to put you in a sexy state of mind. Watch something hot and steamy (not porn if you're not into that but something romantic and passionate), take a bath or shower and think of your husband while you're in it, light candles. I was very inexperienced and I just started having sex like six months ago so I had to learn things to put me in a sexy mood. I felt awkward, dirty, and sad when we started off. These things really helped me get through it.
Well, a lot of these posts had some ridiculous advice, but this has to be the most ridulous of them all. No, many children do not stop breastfeeding on their own at this age. That is a complete lie. You can read more about it here: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/weaning/babyselfwean.html
Don't stop breastfeeding because of this issue. It can be difficult to take care of babies (whether you are bf'ing or ff'ing) and still maintain a healthy sex life, but you don't have to stop breastfeeding to get your sex life back. This has to be some of the worst advice I've ever read on this website.
I'm sorry you are going through this with your husband. It sounds like you really want things to work out, and it sounds like you are taking action. I hope people here can give you some good advice. I think what you guys are experiencing is completely normal during stressful periods in your life, and him working two jobs and you having babies - you guys are both under a lot of stress.
You might try reconnecting in nonsexual ways, and then maybe the sex life will follow. One way my husband and I reconnected after the baby was taking him for a walk every evening to get him to sleep. We put him in a carrier and DH and I had 30-45 minutes to just talk. DS couldn't interupt us - he was content in the carrier and then he would fall asleep. It is very hard to find time for each other everyday when you have babies. It doesn't get any easier with a toddler, either.
Nice dinner, candles, glass of red wine?
If you don't want your breasts to be touched (maybe we all feel that way sometimes? I've never breastfed or even been pregnant and I still don't want mine to be touched sometimes!), you could keep a bra or some lingerie on the whole time.
If you're both tired at night, you could have some sexy time right when he gets home from work, while you put your little girl in a play pen or her crib for a while.
Jess & Adam, married 2009, precious Audrey born in 2011. BFP 1/6/13, MMC discovered at 9 wks 2/11/13. Baby stopped growing at 6 wks. D&C 2/18/13.
I can understand your frustration, and any other women who are facing this. It seems like the more my husband works- the less interested he is in engaging me in a romantic night. I use to take it personally, until I realized the corrilation with his work hours. I devised a plan! I schedule vacations- even if its just to a camp site...or ask a relative if you could borrow their timeshare...etc. Just get away- where he can't think about work or what tomorrow requires of him.
Another thing that happened is, when I got pregnant, DH feared sex because he thought he would harm the baby by sending me into preterm labor. Then, the forplay went out the window as he felt that my body was for the baby now...plus I began excreting milk in my 2nd trimester- and that could be gross for him.
I have to say that I understand the awkwardness, but their is a way out- just understand where he is coming from and help make some adjustments. Vacation time away REALLY helps revamp our romance when life, stress, and new changes are getting the best of us. I have to get his mind off whatever is stressing him out- whether he knows it or not.
Best of luck to all the ladies out there in this same boat!
Do not wean your child at 8 months. That is not the problem. Babies don't wean themselves until closer to 12-18 months, so don't force the issue.
The problem is with your husband and his ability to see you as his wife instead of the mother of his children. Have you talked to him about it? Told him that it makes you feel ugly/unsexy, etc? That would be my first move. It's hard to have a new baby and be pregnant...I know I don't always feel sexy, and I'd be hurt if I felt like my DH wasn't attracted to me.
Your post sounds very similar to my experience and I can say with dedication to finding a solution and LOTS of communication, my DH and I are back to our pre-baby sex. Here are some of the things that helped us:
-Talk to your DH, even if it's awkward/embarrassing. It won't be the more you talk about it. Talk without the pressure of having sex...bring it up during an evening walk or something.
-Don't wean the baby, it's not necessary (I'm still nursing both my children at 2+ years old with no issue). Buy some lingerie that makes you feel sexy. Buy some clothes that fit and aren't frumpy. Get your hair styled and wear makeup. Take care of you, not only your baby and your DH.
-Connect in other ways - cuddling on the couch, going for a walk together, reading the same book, having a regular meal together and talking about anything but the baby (read the news that day so you'll have topics to discuss). Once you connect intellectually again the sex will likely follow. Being attracted to your husband (and feeling attracted by him) goes beyond they physical relationship.
-Do everything but have sex to take away the pressure of having sex. When was the last time you just made out like you were a teenager? Do you remember how fun it was? Try it with your husband...no pressure to have sex. In fact make it an expectation that you are just making out and you won't be having sex. You might find it hard to say no in the end.
-Talk, talk, talk. Talk about how you are feeling, listen to how he is feeling. It is normal for some men not to want sex during pregnancy and for women to not want sex while nursing. The more you talk the more you'll realize you have many of the same feelings.
-Say yes even if you aren't completely in the mood. The more you do it, the more you want it.
There are some good advices on here, don't worry about the mean ones, take the good ones home with you!
I also feel, in addition to counseling. Work on you, I think you said you dont feel sexy any more after having a baby. Get your sexy Back! Get your Sexy Woman back! Work out eat healthy, lose weight if you need to. Buy some New lingerie. When he is about to lay in bed at night, wear the Lingerie with high heels on. Love yourself, Love him! Put on some sexy music and Give him a lap dance! Pray 4 him, he is YOUR man, take him.
This is advice that I am following and it works every time! Because my husband worked 32 hours a week and took 18 credit hours at school, and he was understandly tired when he got home. But when I talked to him about it...and seduced him...we worked it out. Now that he is done with school for now...the seduction is both ways. If you believe in God, prayer works as well. God wants you to have a good sex life! I will be praying for your marriage. Take care God Bless!
I agree that many of the earlier posts are just flat out mean, judgmental, and unhelpful. Not every man feels uncomfortable about sex during his partner's pregnancy, but it is a very common fear or concern. It's also pretty common for him to continue feeling uncomfortable once the baby arrives because now his partner's body exists to sustain the baby.
If neither of you feels comfortable talking about your sex life, maybe you could try writing each other notes or letters. The bottom line is to find some way to communicate about it. Finding non-sexual ways to reconnect is a great suggestion I saw many others make. I'm not a big Oprah fan, but I remember she once said, "Foreplay is how you treat me all day," and I thought that was a great observation. It works both ways for sure. I don't mean to insinuate that either of you has treated the other poorly, but sometimes being more mindful about doing little things for each other helps renew the spark. I've got to say I loved the movie "Fireproof," and I noticed my husband and I were even more attentive to each other after watching it. Before my husband and I were married, my mother-in-law told me sometimes marriage is 50/50 and sometimes it's 80/20; occasionally one of you has to carry the other's load for a little while.
I think you've taken 2 big steps by acknowledging the issue and reaching out for support & advice. You're obviously committed to the relationship and that's a huge factor in your favor. Best wishes.
Here EcoBaby ? I wish to address the posting you made as to what I said is ridiculous advise. How does this not make since to you? Here is exactly what I said: check out the caption in pink.
?A little extra something: here you need to take charge ? I see that your child (a daughter) is some over 8 months now it's about time you?re starting to wean her from your breast ? here though you should talk with her pedestrian making sure its about her time. Many children however stop breastfeeding on their own between 7-? and 12 months. All 5 of mine did it between 8-? and 11-? months of age. They all started on that sip-pie cup.?
I should have used the word pediatrician not pedestrian ? I do apologize for this error on my part. Please forgive me for this oversight.
I?ve personally known many women over the years including myself that their child, children all stopped on their own during that second six months (most around 9 to 10-? months) of their lives without damage or dangers. I had my own child?s pediatrician inform me at that time ? he told me personally that it is quite normal ? even feasible that a child will give up the breast between 7-? and 12 months on his/her own. Some do however go on until about two years. I even new one mother who was still breastfeeding her son (in the evening ? bedtime) until he was starting in the second grade ? which IMO is ridiculous that she would even contemplate something that?s weird. But that was her ? not me ?
The web-site you mention did say that it is possible for this to take place. They do give good information at this site: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/weaning/babyselfwean.html. I do however wish to thank you for that information on/about this site ? now with that stated. They however stated in there disclaimer NO doctor?s nor medical providers were involved in there information. They to as did I say for medical advise see, talk with your doctor or pediatrician they are your best source of information. Follow their advice.
It is not my intension or nature to give medical advice. My concerns ? suggestions are offered here only as an educational ? informational only. Not to be stated as the only way to solve any problem(s). There are just too many ways of solving them. Thank you, ~~ Emily ~~
This follow-up does not help in the least. Bottom line is: who gives a shiit when babies in general start to self-wean? Hers is clearly not, and you told her in your initial post:
I see that your child (a daughter) is some over 8 months now it's about time you?re starting to wean her from your breast.
Not helpful, not necessary, not relevant.
And btw, pediatricians are not breastfeeding experts - I have no idea why anyone would consult with one to determine when to wean.
We have gone through dry spells in the past, and the only way to get through them is by talking about it with each other. My situation is opposite, where I'm more shy than my husband, so he is usually the one to bring it up. So, in your situation, you will probably have to bring it up. And then tell him you will not have sex that night that you talk, to take the pressure off. A few things that have helped "break the ice" after a dry spell are playing music, lighting candles, and even just laughing and telling him you feel awkward but you want to follow through. I know it's not easy to start things again, but it's got to be done! Don't wait for some magical feeling to sweep you away, you have to create the intimacy. And the first time will probably be a little weird, but it will only improve from there.
I'm not sure that you need counseling at this point, unless you are simply unable to talk about it on your own, or there are deeper issues in the relationship which are preventing you to feel emotionally close to DH. Good luck!
I have found a great tool with customers of mine (I am a consultant for Athenas Home Novelties) is a book called Hot Sex How to do it and two highlighters.
If your husband is embarrased talking about sex this will help ....he reads the book and highlights things that interest him and then you do the same and are able to find common ground. Sometimes just the reading about it can be stimulating for either partner and result in some fun sex!