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We had a talk (long)
While we were visiting friends this weekend and having a great time, J did something that I found so rude and embarassing that I had to say something. I waited until our long drive home so that I didn't make it worse, but I really wanted to let him have it in the moment.
We were getting Scarlett ready for her first time in a swimming pool. I had bought a floatie for her that had a sunshade (pretty cool). J wanted to help but could not figure out how to blow it up. He didn't know that you had to squeeze the valve as you blow in, so he was getting really frustrated.
Everyone knows he's a jovial kind of guy who makes jokes and can take a joke...only sometimes he can't. They (10 people or so) were ribbing him about not figuring out how to do it. PP's mom said something to the effect of "Is that floatie smarter than you are?" and J lost his sh*t. He threw the floatie, the box it was in and stormed out.
Everyone was shocked. It was really awkward.
We discussed it in the car later. He doesn't like people thinking he's stupid. I told him that a comment like that only gets someone to that extreme level of anger if they really think they are stupid and are afraid of being "found out." I reminded him that he's not stupid, no one actually thinks he's stupid (hence the joke), and why would someone who means nothing to him with a jerky comment meant in jest even be worth his reaction? He was mainly upset that PP's mom was not someone who knew him well enough to make that sort of joke.
Then it became a discussion about how we always have a choice, be "right" or preserve the relationship. He usually chooses to be "right." Not with me and my family, then he chooses to preserve the relationship. But with others, his rightousness is destructive. He doesn't want to be or be seen as a pushover.
He was upset with me for not taking his side and always calling him out when something like this happens. He was upset that I don't recognize how much his temper has improved (because years before we were together it was WAY worse and he went to anger management classes).
What's interesting is with him, I prefer to be right than to to preserve the relationship. This is usually because I see his bad behavior as a threat... to our friendships (acting out like this), to our financial situation (getting mad at his boss), and ultimately to our relationship (because I won't tolerate it).
It ended up being a really good discussion. Still, I wish I didn't have to have it. I wish he wouldn't fly off the handle - and when he does, I wish he would apologize... at least to me.
Re: We had a talk (long)
Sorry he reacted like that.
My DH has thrown a fit in front of our friends before and I was left to explain/apologize/excuse ourselves from the gathering and leave. It IS embarrasing.
I agree with you on being "right" vs. preserving the relationship b/c if you let things like that "go" without addressing them, you run the risk of things getting worse in the future when a conversation now could reduce those chances.
DH and I had a tough weekend of bickering, him throwing/kicking boxes of crap, him yelling b/c i used the last of the "good butter", and b/c the dish towel was wet and he wanted it to be dry. Silly stuff. We hashed it out immediately (I wouldn't let it go without a discussion), he apologized to me, and we went back to what we needed to accomplish. I think it is important to address things as they happen, b/c then you have the opportunity to make it better and move on.
I hope you guys are able to keep working through J's anger and pride issues and whiloe being "right" you preserve the relationship as well.
TTC #1 13 cycles, CP 6/09, TTC #2 1 cycle
CDing, EP'd for 13 months for #1, BFing for #2
Pregnancy Hypertension - inductions at 39w, I grow big babies: DD was 9 pounds 1 ounce 22 inches, DS was 11 pounds even 22 inches - both vaginal deliveries
I agree-good that you can talk about it, though!
When I put it to J this way...in terms of what Scarlett sees and learns as appropriate behavior or what she can fear from her father, he really "got it." It's interesting that he doesn't want her to react this way...but he excuses his behavior aside from her seeing it.
I do this anytime that J starts talking loudly/at all demeaning to me. He'll say something like "Don't be a dumbazz about blah blah blah" and I'll remind him that he's showing his son how to treat women and he zips up. The problem in our relationship is the same that it has always been - we are best friends and he thinks he can say things to me and behave like he can with his "real" best dude friends. I think having Hunter will actually help improve this in our relationship.
Kudos to you for staying calm in the moment girl. I can't say I would do the same!