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VENT (sorry so long!)
So my BFF is venting to me on Yahoo IM that she's upset because this guy she's been "dating" can't commit. They have been "dating" for 7 or 8 months now and she's in love with him but he has told her on several occasions that he's not ready to be in a committed relationship because he's focused on starting a business (which she is also in. It's one of those legal pyramid scheme type things but I can't remember what they're called. Something like MLM). He has been staying at her apartment 3 or 4 days out of the week and has bonded with her daughter but he still tells people he's single but he's not looking to date other people.
Anywho, this isn't the first time she has been in a "relationship" with an emotionally detached person. Actually, pretty much every relationship but one has been with someone who had some kind of issue that made them a serious loser. One couldn't hold a job and smoked weed all day, another was in an unhappy marriage with three kids, and the one guy who actually did return the love was certifiably crazy.
So I tell her that she needs to stop being a doormat and tell this guy to either get his s*** together or stop staying at her apartment and she starts in on her "Why can't I find a good man? This has been going on for 7 years and I can't get it together" blahblahblah.
I know it's partially my raging hormones that has me kind of like "OK, you found another loser. You will survive. Get over it." But it's also the fact that this isn't our first time in this rodeo and it's really getting tired. She is 28 years old and needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and get her OWN s*** together. Our group of friends has all gone through sucky relationships, but two of us are now married and one has a kid and I'm pregnant. The other is divorced and testing the waters but she is genuinely happy and furthering her career. And then there's BFF.
I guess I'm just over the whole situation but it's probably easier for me to say that since I'm married and happy. Of course I love my friend and want her to be happy with someone and with her life in general but the way I see it, some of this hurt she is going through is her own doing. She knew from the beginning he didn't want to commit but she stayed with him hoping he would change his mind and kept getting frustrated when he didn't.
Sorry this has turned out to be WAY longer than I wanted it to be but I needed to get it all off my chest.
Re: VENT (sorry so long!)
I don't have any words of wisdom, but what you wrote (above) is how I feel about my BFF. Currently, I'm just being a listening ear and waiting for her to ask the questions that I can help give answers for.
I learned with my drug-addicted brother (the hard way) that anything I say or do won't change his decisions. He had to want to change for himself. That's that tactic that I've been taking with my friend.
OMG! I feel as though I'm in the same type situation with you and SpceCadet. Although, at this point, I'm so tired of listening that I keep threatening to pull away. Then, last night, I told DH we were going to her bday party and he demanded to know why -- and I just told him we were going and that was that. You want to support them, but you don't want to enable them to repeat the same situations by being sympathetic. I'm not sure enable's the right word, but I think there's some degree of that to it.
I think Spce hit it, though; they have to decide to make a change themselves. It sucks in the mean time, but hopefully they'll figure it out sooner rather than later.
I think your friend needs to be in counseling, honestly. If she is letting this man, who obviously is not reciprocating any feelings towards her, sleep and basically live with her and her daughter, she needs a serious wake up call.
You said this man and your BFF's daughter have formed a relationship already. Well now it will make things that much worse when he ups and disappears one day. I feel sorry for the child, more so than your friend.
Although, I know her feeling, because like you said, almost everyone has had their share of sucky relationships. But seriously, your friend needs to work on her issues with herself and needs to learn to love herself before becoming serious with anyone, especially because it is a package deal for her. When she starts dating, the man she gets involved with is not only getting involved with her, but also her child. She needs to keep that in mind.
Her daughter needs to be her primary focus right now, not dating. When she can realize that, she will much happier in life and with herself.
I have told her before that she needs to talk to someone about her attachment issues but she doesn't have the funds to do that. We both know where they stem from (her dad practically ignored her but settled down with another family including two daughters) but I wish she would figure out what to do about them.
Your welcome!