Sex & Romance
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Haven't had sex in 6 months
Well as you can tell from the subject line, my husband and I have not had sex since 6 months ago. Not even for our anniversary or my birthday. I am not sure why, I guess I know what I need to do, talk to him about it.
Any advice on how to bring it up without upsetting him?
It is just hard because he and I have such a close physical attraction, that is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. I have never been attracted to someone like I was drawn to him.
So I guess I am just looking for any thoughts or ideas on how to talk to him about this. It is the ONLY thing we do not talk about. We share 95% of everything!
Re: Haven't had sex in 6 months
I can certainly relate. My husband and I have had sex 2, maaaaybe 3 times in the past 6 months, and we've been married almost a year now.
Just for some background, we've been together since 2003. I'm the only person he's had sex with; I've had two other sexual partners besides him. I've always had a higher sex drive than he has, so I already knew it would never be as much as I want it, and I'm perfectly fine with that. However, it seems like the frequency has gone way downhill since we started living together (early last year), and that I did not expect. Pretty much, I try to wait until he initiates sex. It seems like almost every time I try to initiate it, he doesn't feel like it, but I am ready and willing 95% of the time he wants it, even if it's the middle of the night and I'm already asleep! The only time I have turned it down is, if I physically don't feel well (nausea from something I ate, etc.) Yet he has told me before that he would like me to take charge. And we have had discussions before -- mostly on the phone, when we lived long distance for a little while 2 years ago -- about trying new things, like me dressing up in costume or one of us being tied up, etc. I bought a sexy nurse costume over a year ago but have yet to wear it because I am afraid to get all dressed up and prepared and then have nothing happen because he doesn't feel like it.
Our lack of a sex life recently has been bothering me for a while -- especially the times I try to initiate and it goes nowhere. Last time, about a month ago, I had asked for a massage and then I turned over and had him massaging my breasts (not a normal request for just a back rub) and then I pulled him to me and we started kissing... but then it went nowhere and he rolled over and fell asleep. A week or so ago, I was snapping at him because I didn't feel like he picks up around the kitchen/living room quite as much as I do. It turned into kind of a big deal, and he went to take a nap and ended up sleeping a long time through the evening. Anyway, I apologized and said I was upset about something else, and that's how I finally brought up how I'd been feeling. He said he feels like sex is the same every time -- like we do the same 2 or 3 positions in the same order -- which I agreed. He told me that sometimes it hurts -- I said I think it's from me not being turned on enough and that we need more foreplay. (He also said he can feel my teeth sometimes when I go down on him. I thought I was going a good job with this.) And basically I just kept asking him what he didn't like about how we've been doing things, because I'd like to work on those things. And I shared with him all the things I think can be improved, too.
He said he wants to do something special because we've been together so long that it's gotten so predictable and we always talk about trying new things but never actually implement them. So we planned a night and we're going out of town for a night this weekend and I'm going to dress up for him, etc. At first I was kind of hurt that he wants me to dress up when we haven't had sex in a while, and I said "I should be enough -- for you to want me!" But I understand what he means. He said "You are enough, but I just want to try something new!" And then I remembered that I've HAD sex with a couple of people besides him -- he's had only me. So I'm going to try to spice things up because of that aspect, as well, even though he never mentioned anything like that and probably isn't even thinking it.
Hmm, way for me to spill my guts. I hope it was somewhat coherent. Sorry it was so long and rambly.
You definitely need to talk about your problem. It's hard, but worth it. As far as breaking it gently to him, I suggest starting with something like "I really miss when we used to have sex." (Try to use "we" as often as possible so it doesn't sound like you're placing blame.) Maybe suggest coming up with new things to try? It could be that he's thinking the same thing as you but doesn't want to bring it up.
I totally know how you feel. Sex has been pretty rocky for my FI and I but we've talked about it very openly and honestly and we've said that it's been pretty stale and predictable and we both agreed that we needed to shake things up a bit. I found a great website with 3D images/videos of positions to try. It's kind of neat because, maybe I'm just dumb, but when I've looked up positions to try in the past I sometimes look at the picture, like "how on earth do they do that one!" We looked at the website together and talked about some positions we'd like to try. We tried some last night and they didn't work out totally well, but it was definitely a step in the right direction!
Here's the website:
http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_index.shtml
Obviously I'm in a similar situation. We did not talk about our sex life much until recently, even though it bothered me quite a bit. You should tell him that you think it's a problem that you don't have much of a sex life. Resist the temptation to blame him, and instead just state that you think it's a problem, and that both of you should try and figure out a solution. Beyond that, where the conversation goes depends on your unique situation:
- Anyone on meds?
- Anyone with a traumatic past that might be interfering?
- Any previous problems in the marriage/relationship that could still harbor ill will?
- Who initiates, generally?
- Has he gained weight? Gone bald? Any chance he's self-conscious? Has your physical appearance changed much?
- Has your sex life always been slow?
If none of these things fit, you might just need to break out of a routine.
Any more backstory you can give us?
Has he been diagnosed with a recent medical condition that would decrease his libido?
Has he recently begun taking meds/been prescribed addtional meds? Perhaps the meds are the cause for his lack of libido.
Another problem you are having with him: NO COMMUNICATION. Perhaps you were brought up in a home where confrontation was shunned or avoided; not a bad thing but if you can't talk frankly to your spouse about any issue at all --- especially sex --- that's pretty bad. Don't shy away from this subject, for both your sakes.
You need to sit down with him and frankly and openly discuss this situation. Make sure there's no interruptions and if there's kids, have somebody watch them for the evening.
You have been together for a good length of time --- over 4 years --- it's common for sex and passion to wane over a period of time but for sex to stop altogether isn't normal or the norm.
Here is a question I'm going to ask here and on a couple of other "no sex" posts. At the risk getting some people upset, here is the question.
" Have you put on weight, using less makeup, using the toilet with the bathroom door open or done anything else that may have reduced your allure etc?
Here is a question I'm going to ask here and on a couple of other "no sex" posts. At the risk getting some people upset and some bruises, here is the question.
" Have you put on weight, using less makeup, using the toilet with the bathroom door open or done anything else that may have reduced your allure etc?
Come on. "Reducing your allure" doesn't suddenly lead to no sex in six months. Maybe, maybe major weight gain could do that, but even that's usually more gradual. There's no way that my leaving the bathroom door open is going to make my husband not want to sleep with me for months.
OP, what was your sex life like before that? What I'm wondering is how you got to six months without talking about it. Was it infrequent before? Or was there something serious that changed six months ago, like a new job or a death in the family?
Also, it's okay to upset him with this conversation. Don't go out of your way to be mean or anything, but you shouldn't stop just because he seems uncomfortable. Tell him you need to talk about it because you love him. Some of the most important discussions I've ever had with my husband had both of us in tears.
In my opnion sex is all about communication, if your not happy with your sex life, ex: frequency or quality don't let 6 months go by without talking about it. For most people having sex everyday isn't going to happen. If your in a rut try new things, they don't have to be freaky. Try having sex when you have energy, maybe not right before bed when your exhausted from the day. Maybe take a shower right before, look at eachother naked, try turning on the lights. We are humans, we can be visually enticed. Most of all make time for eachother to talk and cuddle. If you are not on the same page throughout the day, you might not be in the mood to have sex at the end of the day.
hey i guess i am the only outsider who is asian that commenting here. well, we have not making love for past 3 months too..i am afraid it slowly will turn into 6 months soon. We been together for 3 years,now married for about a year. Things seems changed after we got married, we used to have fun sex but now after i have to him that i wanted trying for a baby..u know what, he like stop having sex with me ,even though we did but he had ejaculation dysfunction for past 3 few months.
I did discussed with him on this issue why we not doing it anymore even i did something to excited him. Still his response the same as always said he is tired and so on. No mood into it, but i felt it is because of having baby issue and its indirectly cause him felt pressure. I am not sure about it..but i really suspecting on this reason. So now our sex life is boring and i am really down..besides we are doing all things together such like doing house work together, cook toughener and laugh on the comedy movie through out whole night. But just lacking of sex!!!