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So frustrated, not sure what will happen
So DH and I haven't been getting along. Mostly its him never being here, never helping out, etc, etc.
A few weeks ago he got mad because I got DS#1's hair cut short. I didn't feel that cute curls were worth him being uncomfortable in the heat, when it was 35C outside. He was mad because I didn't consult him first.
This led into a discussion about how he is never around, never helps, never gives me a break from the kids, etc. I got nothing for our wedding anniversary because he didn't think I cared about it (I got him a gift and a card) and he didn't even acknowledge mother's day for me. Long story short, he got the whole "your a bad father and husband" talk. He promised to do better and for the most part he has been helping more.
This leads us to Monday, where I found out he has been doing something completely wrong and inappropriate. I am not going to say what it is because this is a public forum and you never know who lurks. Needless to say, I was furious yet not sure how to handle it. I though about it for a few days and last night I asked him if he was happy. He said yes. I thought some more. Finally I just bit the bullet. Told him what I found out. I stayed calm as I told him how I felt. He's been disrespecting me, disrespecting our marriage etc.
I told him he is leaving me with 2 options, neither of which I want. We could go on, I can't ever trust him again, but I don't think I can be happy this way. The second option is divorce. I through it out there. People think we are happily married and I would look like the bad guy for leaving or kicking him out. But I'm not sure that this would make me happy either. Up until this point I thought we were happy and I love him. We have 2 kids together. It would leave me doing everything myself again because he wouldn't have time to take the kids for visitation.
This morning when he got up for work he wouldn't talk to me at all. I think he is ashamed at what he has done. But I don't know where to go from here. He won't agree to counselling. I feel like my whole world has been ripped away from me all at once (but then again, its slowly been eroding.)
I don't know why I am posting, I guess I just need to get it off my chest and hope that no one on here knows who I am IRL. I really don't know which of the 2 options I will take at this point. Will he really change and prove that he's sorry or that I can trust him? I hope so, but I can't hold my breath much longer.
Re: So frustrated, not sure what will happen
eek. I'm sorry you're going through this
It's hard to really respond without knowing what he did- I understand your reason for keeping it from us, but there's always the chance that you could be overreacting...
I *think* (and I could be wrong) I remember you complaining about him before?
I can't give any real advice without knowing more, but I will say this: if he can't agree to counselling, that is a major red flag. If he knows your marriage is on the brink and he's not willing to work to save it, then, there's not much that can be done. I understand wanting to stay together for the kids, but you have to consider what example you are setting for the kids, too.
Good luck making the decision that is right for you... some individual counselling might help you sort through your options in a confidential setting.
I did complain about him a few weeks ago about the not helping. It was getting better and then this came up. I will say its nothing physical towards me and the kids.
And yes I know we could be setting a terrible example if we stay together in a marriage that isn't working. I guess this is where we need to work through the pros and cons and maybe figure out why it was we got married in the first place.
ITA agree with annabelle - individual counseling might help but really to come back from a betrayal of trust will require some help. He needs to want to fix things or it won't get better.
Best of luck. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
<hugs!>
It is hard to give adivce without knowing the whole story, but I can empathise with you when it comes to big marital issues. My DH and I have had our share and have been seperated before.
Here is what I have found to help:
Work on yourself first. Make sure that you are not relying on your husband to meet all of your needs and instead are looking to yourself, your friends and family to help with that. Make appts. with yourself for "me" time. It is a must and may help with the resentment you feel re: DH not helping out.
If DH won't agree to therapy, try going on your own. It would be likely that a couples therapist would suggest this anyway. Depending on your issue with DH, there may also be support groups in your area that you can attend. 3-4 individual therapy sessions have benefitted me way more than 10 couples ones.
Time helps. Try not to make any rash decisions. It doesn't sound like you are in danger (if you are: get out and get help) so try a few things out and see if they work.
If going to a social worker or psychologist doesn't seem like something your DH would do, do you think he would try going to a pastor/priest? (not sure if you are religious) You could also try buying a book/kit about marriage work online and try working through it together.
It will be a tonne of HARD WORK on both of your parts to keep things together. I hope things work out the way that you want them to.
Duplicate post
That's great that you are able to post this and share your experiences. I apologize, I'm not much of a help, never had any real issues like this, nor do we have kids. I think it might get a bit more complicated with kids. Well we are hear to listen - its great to have the nest to talk about those things that you don't want to share with your IRL friends and family. But at some point, perhaps talking to a professional will help you work through this (with or with out him).
All the best!
I'm sorry. If you had only one child I'd swear you were my SIL. I strongly encourage you at least to go to counselling. That will be a safe place for you to go into what happened and how it's making you feel and be specific about why you're hurt and how you feel betrayed. From there hopefully they'll help you work through what is best for you.
Focus on what is best for you, because what is best for your kids is a happy mom.
And if your only strong reason for staying is you'll be on your own I say you won't be worse off if you kick him out. You're already on your own and you're making it work. You CAN do it on your own, you HAVE been doing it on your own.
And you might be surprised at who steps forward to offer you help when they realize that you need it and things aren't fine like they had thought.