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XP: FI Doesn't Need Sex? (long)
My FI and I are getting married in a few months and lately I feel like we are on completely different pages. He has always had a lower sex drive than me but lately things are just way out of control.
We've been together for almost 5 years, so I've always known we had different drives, but we were typically having sex anywhere from 1-3 times a week. I wasn't thrilled when it was only once, but I survived and used my vibrator on myself when he wasn't in the mood. Recently, I was taking antidepressants and my sex drive was non-existent. I stopped mentioning or initiating sex, I just didn't care anymore and it seemed he didn't either.
I'm off the meds now and my sex drive is back. We are averaging sex once every 6-8 weeks and I want to hang my head in shame. He NEVER brings up the fact that we don't have sex and when I try to talk to him about it, he turns it around on me. I'll tell him I think it's strange and sad that we never have sex and try to ask him why he thinks that is. "I don't know, what do you think?" is what he typically says. "What can we do?" I say. "I don't know, what do you think?"
He says he does want sex, but I don't get that feeling whatsoever. I feel like FI could go the rest of his life without having sex with me.
I feel unloved, undesired by him, unattractive and like I am doomed in my pending
marriage.
I feel as though we are becoming roommates and even he recognizes this. There is little intimate interaction between us right now. We don't snuggle in bed (we both like our space while we sleep, but there's no making out before we sleep or when we wake up,) no romance, no dates. All the sweetness in our relationship seems very prescribed. I keep thinking about how any sex life we will have in our future will be me and my vibrator, occasionally FI and that's just depressing. The sex we do have varies from hot but unadventurous (he's definitely conservative in this area) to downright boring and quick because there's so much time between sexual encounters. I find myself thinking about being with a man who could have all of the positive qualities I see in my FI but would have a strong sex drive, would send me suggestive texts or emails (which FI just doesn't go for), would be more dominant instead of my passive, fall asleep on the couch every night FI. I feel horribly guilty saying that and yet I feel justified in feeling the way I do.
I realize my FI is not a faultless man nor is he horrible and that both of us need to improve here, but I don't know where to go with this. We didn't do pre-cana, but I don't see him wanting to discuss this in counseling. He is very touchy about the subject of our sex life. Money is tight and he doesn't think counseling will help us have more sex. He has been to the doctor twice to have his hormone levels checked and he is perfectly healthy.
I just feel so defeated. Our relationship has had its ups and downs like any will, but I have always felt we were pretty solid overall. It feels horrible to think that the wedding is just a few short months away and I almost feel like it things are just going to get worse from here. I am in a sexless marriage that hasn't even begun yet.
Re: XP: FI Doesn't Need Sex? (long)
You should really be able to sit down and have an honest conversation with your FI about issues like this. If you feel like you're not getting what you need, then you need to be able to tell him. I know that in my own relationship sex has been the hardest part to navigate-- we've been together 8 years and my sex drive is definitely lower now than it was at the start. However, we talk about it and what we can do and try new things, etc.
If you're already thinking about other guys, I would sit down and talk with him before the wedding...
If he is unwilling to go to counseling that is a HUGE problem. I would not marry until you have resolved this issue. I am serious. Where as I don't know your situation exactly, a sexless marriage is bad news. This sounds a lot like what I went through.
I understand that money is tight, but if you want to make this relationship work, counseling needs to happen. I mean you got to ask yourself "is this relationship worth 300 dollars a month" to save? It will mostly likely get worse and worse about the sex life.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
could he be gay? depressed himself?
Gay or depressed? Don't think so -- I think the relationship has run its course.
If you can't have a discussion about this, you've got bigger issues and should seriously reconsider your intention to marry this man. Can you spend your life like this?
ITA with Tarpon, I think it's time to let this relationship go and find someone more compatible.
this. Sorry.