Sex & Romance
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Urge to cheat?
Ok, this is my first post, and I need some feedback. DH and I got married three years ago and our sex life keeps getting worse and worse. I was a virgin when we got married, and I expected a lot more.
Lately, I've been hanging out with my single friends again, and going out. I've met a lot of guys and have a strong urge to cheat. I talked to DH about needing to spice things up and he just isn't interested. I've tried everything from role play to toys to get him interested and he's not. We only have sex (on average) 3 times a month.
I love DH and I want this to work, but I'm also not getting what I need from our sex life. I'm afraid if it keeps going like this I will cheat. Has anyone else been through this? Any advice?
Re: Urge to cheat?
You are married and even though you are unhappy you still should not cheat. See a marriage counselor. If things still don't work out then get a divorce. Cheating makes things sooooo ugly and do you want to be that person who cheated on their spouse. Think of the drama after words and the hurt he would feel. Seriously masturbate like crazy to get rid of urges. Not the same but at least it is something. Whatever you do do not cheat. After marriage people change some for the better of the relationship some for the worse. Some have different ideas you have to figure out his and whether you could live with that or not. YOU made the vow for better or for worse together.
This does not sound like a sex issue. This sounds like a YOU issue.
You need to go to therapy, by yourself. And you both should go to couples therapy.
There is never an excuse for cheating on your partner, never! It sounds like you've tried several things to stimulate the sexual atmosphere, now I think you need to stimulate the mental and emotional one and try to get down to the bottom of the reason why you are not having sex.
I'm sure he has his reasons for not having sex, but you need to find them out rather than find pleasure in other men. Maybe he is having trouble getting aroused, or he has a low sex-drive. There could be a medical reason behind this.
Don't cheat just because your spouse is uncommunicative.
You need to discuss your sex life with him and do so frankly and to the point. He needs to cooperate with you and work on the issue with you.
It could be possible he has a low sex drive. And not all men are into lingerie, toys or role playing.
What DOES he like?
Take what he likes and bring more of that into your sex life.
Second of all, stop meeting with your single friends -- if it is a girls nite out only, great. And leave it at a girls night out only.
DH and I have been to four separate counselors. Each have said that this is something that is in his head and he has to work through whatever block it is that is keeping him from wanting to be intimate with me. He's been to a doctor and there is nothing wrong with him medically.
My desire to cheat is not because I want to cheat, but rather a need for intimacy that I'm not getting from my husband.
Speaking from a guy's POV...
1. Is he on any medication? Some antidepressants and similar meds can mess with your libido.
2. Have either of you gained weight or otherwise become less attractive? He might be self-conscious or unattracted to you.
3. Is he gay?
4. Maybe you guys just aren't sexually compatible, which is plausible because you don't have a long track record of having sex. Still, one would think he'd be more willing to try.
All this said, a few times a month is sufficient for most people, even if it's not sufficient for you. It's not what I want either. Some might tell you that you need to compromise with his sex drive, if it's just naturally much lower than yours. Just my 2 cents, but I don't think you should settle for a sexual diet that keeps you unhappy. Life's too short.
It sounds like you feel like you have tried what you consider to be all your options. You're asking yourself the wrong question, imo. You should be asking "should I get a divorce?" not "should I cheat to fulfill my needs?"
Please don't cheat, there is no excuse for it. You cannot blame your husband for your urges to cheat, even though it may be natural for you to have these thoughts.
Before you do anything rash, talk to a counselor one on one, and then they may suggest that you bring your DH in as well. You owe it to yourself and DH to get help.
No, I have not been through that. Cheating is being dirty, you show no value to yourself when you cheat for intimacy. You have to sit down and talk to your H about this. It is not healthy for your relationship to not communicate with eachother about what is going on. If he insists to not want to change, then get a divorce.
This. Don't blame your urge to cheat on DH. If he won't go to counseling, go solo. Cheating is not going to help. I've never had the urge to cheat. Marriage is ALOT more than just sex.
Maybe the relationship is running its course. Sh!tty, yeah, being you are married perhaps 3 years but it happens.
YOu've gone to counselors. Maybe you should decide what it is you want to do at this point; if he won't be proactive and pick up the ball and do his part and he knows that you've addressed the problem numerous times, maybe it's time to move on --- see if you can get an annulment.
Sorry this happened to you. GL.
WHAT?!?!?
If it is, it is fairly boring MUD.
ummmm...excuse me??
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I hope to god you're not married!
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I agree 100%. Cheating shows nothing but disrespect for your self and your husband. I'm not trying to be mean but maybe if you have these urges you should stop going out with those friends. Stop putting yourself in the situation to allow you think about cheating. Sex is a big part of a marriage yes but not the only part. So talk to your husband and your counselor and please do __ not cheat on your husband!
My DH has a much lower libido than mine, and early in our relationship there were times when I felt like this. The solution we finally came to is that when I'm craving some intimacy we snuggle up and read together, or exchange massages, or SOMETHING touchy but not necessarily sexual. Also, I "solo" a lot.
It's not a perfect solution for either of us, but we're both content with it and we both enjoy the rest of the relationship so much that this has become a smaller issue over time.
As a reformed cheater (In the past, NOT on DH) I can tell you that it's in no way worth it. It will make you feel worse about yourself, the relationship, and everything else. I made such a mess of my life by cheating on an ex, it was the worst thing I've ever been through.
Cheating is selfish.
Cheating is for cowards.
Cheating is sometimes for people who don't have the courage to leave their SO and want to get dumped as a result.
Cheating will damage your DH's sense of trust & self for a loooong time.
Cheating is for a**holes.
If you really care about someone, either work it out or if you've reached the end of your rope, separate and move on.
If sex is a deal breaker for you then get a divorce. Don't cheat. Be up front and honest with your DH. He has some issue, you don't want to really work it through as a couple, so stop being a couple.
But don't be the skank who cheats on her husband, there is no such thing as classy infidelity.
Cheating should not be an option in your relationship.
The fact that you are contemplating cheating on your H because YOU aren't getting what you want....Is ridiculous and your H deserves better.
That's what us single guys are out there for.... the idiot "dh's" who don't take care of their women...
This!