Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Low libido?
My fiance seems to have a really low sex drive. We only have sex when I initiate it, and even then, he's not very passionate. I've have multiple discussions with him about it, and he knows how I feel. Sex just isn't a huge priority for him.
Everything else about our relationship is nearly perfect. Our communication is great, we spend time together (and of course, have alone time), and we know each other so well we can practically read each others minds.
I know he feels bad about it, but I just don't know what to do. It's like his interest in sex is next to nothing!
Re: Low libido?
So you're willing to compromise a stellar sex life because everything else is just fine.
If this bothers you now, it will in the future -- and if sex is important to you, ask yourself if you can withstand at least 50 years of being married to somebody who doesn't measure up in the sex department.
Yes, I can.
Keep in mind that his sex drive is likely to keep getting worse as he gets older. If it's already bad (you guys are still pretty young), imagine what it will be in 10 years. He'll only be in his early 30s. From my understanding, women tend to peak a lot later than men, sometimes in their 30s. Since he's probably already peaked and the peak wasn't even that high, you're probably looking at a much larger discrepancy in your sex drives later in life. And you'll still be young.
I know it's easy to feel defensive about the relationship when people suggest it may not work out because of the sex issues and it's pretty common to see that around here (both the defensiveness and the eventual collapse of a marriage over sex), but I'll just reiterate what the previous posters said: don't underestimate this problem.
Has he had a recent physical? Are you sure that there is no physical reason for the low sex drive? Has his sex drive ever been higher?
How often are you making love? When you do make love, how aroused is he? Is this an erection problem or an inspiration problem? Are you physically satisfied with the sex that you are having?
How often does he masturbate? What does he masturbate to? Is he ashamed of his sex drive? Is there any history of sexual abuse?
I have a unique perspective: Just because his penis isn't hard doesn't mean that you shouldn't have fun. He should be willing to orally or manually satisfy you occasionally to meet your sexual needs. Or at minimum, participate in your masturbation by touching you or fantasizing with you. It would be 15 minutes out of his life a couple of times a month and it would make you happy and your happiness should be important to him.
He hasn't had a physical in years, so I don't know if there is a medical reason. His sex drive was slightly higher when we first started going out.
We have sex around 4 or 5 times a month. He's almost always completely hard and even stays hard after her orgasms. No, I'm not entirely physically satisfied.
To my knowledge, he rarely masturbates or looks at porn. I'm completely open with him about my masturbation/porn habits, so I doubt he's lying, although I suppose it's a possibility.
I don't know that he's "ashamed" of his sex drive, but he knows it doesn't mesh with mine and he feels bad about it. There's no history of sexual abuse.
In terms of foreplay, it's like he doesn't even know what to do. He's extremely passive and even my gentle directions don't help much.
Once, I was trying to download a TV show on his computer, and I found a couple of porn videos. They were straight, so I know he's not gay. (my dad is gay, so that was one of the first things that came to mind)
Some men simply have a low sex drive, same as some women do. It has nothing to do with age or "he needs to see a therapist"; that's the way he has been and always will be.
OP: this is up to you. If you have voiced a concern about it, then you have a gripe.
The choice is up to you, like I said. He won't change; this is the way he is.
He needs to have a physical. A lot of men have ED which can be caused by cholesterol and blood pressure issues. Those problems start showing up below the belt 3-5 years before heart disease and heart attacks because the blood vessels are smaller. This could be a health warning sign.
He might also want to have his testosterone levels checked. If they are low, it reduces sex drive etc. There is a testosterone cream for that.
The obvious first move is to get him a physical. His sex drive seems low for a man of his age. Low testosterone or other hormonal imbalance could be the cause.
But honestly, it sounds as if you guys are flat out sexually incompatible. And a wedding ring isn't going to turn on the heat or instantly give him better lovemaking skills
You aren't being sexually satisfied during the few times a month you guys do have sex and he doesn't seem to care much about it. *That* is the big disconnect here. If he isn't willing to learn, experiment or try to meet your sexual needs now in his twenties before you get married, there is a huge problem. Unless he sees this as a problem to the same degree you do, he is never going to change.
Life is too short to spend it feeling undesired and unsatisfied.
Ok...I keep having this one thought, so I will throw it out there.
Is he a submissive? Some guys are wired to need a dominant woman in control. Has there ever been a situation when you were a bit forceful in bed? How did he react? Did his thermometer rise?
You may just want to break out the high heels and firm voice, and explain to him how he going to satisfy you - in explicit detail. Inform him that you will be using him as your personal sex toy -- that he will be gratifying you in any manner you choose for as long as you want. Tell him if you are pleased with his performance, he may be allowed to orgasm.
Might do the trick.
He hates doctors, and I've been bugging him to get one for the 3 1/2 years we've been together. Maybe I'll just make an appointment and insist that he keeps it. I've wondered if his testosterone, levels were low before. That's something we'll look in to as well.
Honestly? I think he'd be a little freaked out and wouldn't know what to do. Lol. I guess I could be wrong though.
I'd tell him that the success of your marriage could very well depend on his willingness to see a doctor.
His willingness, or lack thereof, to try to find a resolution, it very telling. If he knows fully that you aren't entirely satisfied with your current sex life, but still isn't willing to get checked out, I'd wonder what else he's not going to be willing to work on in the future.