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Baby #2 on the way and in a rut.
If you have kids, how do you keep your marriage/sex life from becoming boring and repetitive?
DH works a lot of hours, and being pregnant and still nursing my daughter is exhausting me. It just feels like when we do have time together, we're both so tired that romance is nonexistent.
We've been married just shy of 2 years, and lately it feels like we just live in the same house. We do cuddle in bed, but sometimes DH acts like the effort to kiss me goodnight is too much, and it hurts.
My confidence is low these days because I feel like my body has been pretty worn out. I did lose all of my baby weight with my daughter before becoming pregnant again, but I wasn't quite the same.
If I try to be affectionate beyond cuddling, like crawling into bed naked and kissing DH, he just kind of brushes it off. We do still have sex weekly, but only when he initiates, and it only lasts a few minutes. Foreplay is pretty much nonexistent. The last time we had a chance to go out together just the two of us, which was months ago, DH whined about being bored and having a headache. It was miserable.
Any advice? I'm scared that when this baby is born we will drift even further apart. I'm a SAHM and so lonely. I guess it just seems weird that we are at this point so soon.
Re: Baby #2 on the way and in a rut.
How was the sex life during baby #1 pregnancy?? Maybe he is scared/nervous of sex during pregnancy? Are you still making an effort with your looks, i.e. still wearing same makeup, doing your hair like normal etc? You know as well as the rest of us, guys are visual creatures and they need the girl to look attractive and take care of herself. Does he still find you sexual despite having had a child and the fact that you are nursing a baby? These might be tough questions you need to ask. I doubt a "weekend getaway" will help, considering he whined when you two had a night off. You need to make your relationship work duringa normal day, not a fancy getaway.
My first guess is that he's having an affair.
Why the rush to have the babies so close together? or was it a whoops?
Of course you are tired you just had a baby and now you are pregnant again!
Are you still making an effort with your looks, i.e. still wearing same makeup, doing your hair like normal etc? You know as well as the rest of us, guys are visual creatures and they need the girl to look attractive and take care of herself. Does he still find you sexual despite having had a child and the fact that you are nursing a baby?
Seriously?!
If this is the only way she can make sure her H is affectionate then my marriage is doomed! She's caring for a 10 month old, breastfeeding and pregnant! (And I also assume she's cleaning house, cooking, grocery shopping etc.) He needs to cut her some slack! It's not like she got herself pregnant twice in such a short time!
I don't wear makeup and I have yet to be pregnant but I can tell you if I were pregnant and caring for a little one making sure I look beautiful for my H is going to be pretty far down the list!
Men are visual but they can also be grown ups and realize that vows are for sickness and health, good times and bad, when the wife is pregnant with his child (and all that comes with it) and when she's not. Seriously.
As for the OP, your H doesn't sound like he is putting your needs very high on his list. I'm sorry. I hope he will talk to you about what bothering him. In counseling perhaps? GL
Are you for fuckingreal right now? She crawls into bed naked and her H brushes her off, and what pops into your mind is, "Are you putting on makeup?"
Listen, the OP has been married for only two years has one baby and another on the way. She is a SAHM so I am guessing she is pretty much in charge of child care, house work, cooking, laundry, groceries, and much much much more. If I was her, putting on makeup would be about the least of my concerns.
OP--of course you're exhausted. You have a lot on your plate. I agree with the PPs; take a weekend away. Find a grandparent or a friend to watch your little one for a night or two, get a hotel room, spend the early evening eating room service and relaxing. Have sex. If you do this, and your H is still not interested, there is a big problem here.
Browneyewhatever-Yes, a relationship has to work on all the days not just when you're out of town. But when you're in a rut, and you have a baby to care for all of the time, there is nothing wrong with taking a few days out of town to enjoy each other as individuals.
Also, I think you need to tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you need more affection, and you need more help with everything that is going on right now. You are parents together and all of this parenting is work for the two of you to share. Good luck.
Totally agree with MKE-- take a weekend away and talk with him about how you're feeling! From what I've heard from my married friends with small children, this situation seems pretty normal-- just make sure you talk through it like you should everything else in your marriage!
Also, I definitely DO NOT think this means he's having an affair... geesh
I am doing what I can to take care of myself. I do wear make up daily and I work out as often as I can.
I honestly think our biggest problem is that we both have too much going on separate from each other. His work monopolizes his time, and I've got baby brain these days. We're both tired, and I can definitely forgive him for that.
I do like the idea of a weekend away together, but I'm still nursing so I'm not sure if we'll be able to work it out soon. Maybe in a month or two?
I guess I'm just feeling low because I feel like a mom, maid, and a cook. I don't feel like a wife right now.
Can I throw the thought out there that maybe it's a good time to stop nursing? Assuming your baby is older than 6 months, I suspect she has gotten enough nutrients from you. Even if not, perhaps you can pump and start weaning her off of "you" via the bottle which means you can go away for a weekend (or even a nice dinner and overnight.)
Assuming your breasts must be "upsized" by now and your tummy is still flat or almost flat.This would be a good time to impress DH with a photo session when you are "at your peak".
Some skinny dipping on a secluded beach works good too.
Have you ever worn ad skirt and "forgot" your underwear?
Have you done anything with the fur "down there"?
If those don't physically light his fire, nothing will.
DH could be worried about bills or that you want to just be a baby factory instead of a wife and lover?
Not that you asked, but you might want to consider weaning. My space between my kids is about the same as yours and at about 16 weeks my milk dried up, without any warning and it was horribly traumatic for everyone in the house since I'm also a SAHM and was EBFing. That said, once that drama was over I can say it felt great to not have the physical demands of nursing and even though I was pregnant to a large degree I felt I had my body back to myself and less like the whole family was depending on me for everything.
Regular dating is important, we go out once a month. Honestly, the first date was weird, we talked about our son, we missed him and skipped dessert to pick him up from my mom's. It gets easier, better, more natural as you get used to being a couple and not just parents together. Even regular Netflix nights help. Honestly, I'm not sure if I would go straight for the weekend getaway until we could manage a good date, but of course that is entirely up to you, it could work.
If dating or a short trip don't help you to reconnect, I'd definitely enlist the help of a counselor, as I'm sure you anticipate, life with two little ones can be a bit chaotic, but well worth it. Good luck and congratulations on the new little one.
Hey, I was just lurking on here and saw your post, first, Idk if I told you congrats on baby number 2, so if I didnt, CONGRATS!
Also, totally don't think you DH is having an affair, that is just stupid.
We are TTC right now, so its a little different, but we will be married 2 years in September, and there are some days I feel more like a mom, maid, cook and friend then I wife and lover. when ever I feel that way, I tell DH.
Does DD take a bottle at all? My thought is can you pump enough so you two can slip away before you get to far along. (though second tri was when I had more energy!) A babymoon might be just what you need. Or if you can even get a night out, that helps alot. Get a baby sitter, rent a hotel room for the night, dress up (I know how hard it is to even get to shower some days lol) talk and then go back and get it on.
Good luck mama!
I'm sorry! Its so easy for things like this to happen with kids in the mix.
My best advice is to talk, talk and talk some more. Keep up the dialogue and tell him everything you are feeling. Silence leads to animosity far too quickly especially when you are both stressed.
I agree to wean from nursing, even if its just for the daytime hours. Shes 11 months and strong and healthy (and walking!) - totally fine to start cow milk and your body will thank you!
I dont have kids but I do have some advice for you..
First is to speak with your H about the situation. Tell him how you feel and engage in a dialoge about it. He may feel the current situation is not working either but doesnt know how to go about it.
I would suggest trying to talk to you H, cuddle, kiss ect some time other than when he is trying to go to sleep. By the time you guys get in bed, he is probably tired from the extra hours he is working and helping you with the kids. Why dont you try approaching him in the evening after giving him some time to unwind from work? This has been the best time for my H to talk to me or play.
I can understand you being disappointed with your sex life. Try having sex other times when he is not tired and you have time to relax and are not rushed. This may require the help of a sitter but you need private time together. If I were you I would simply insist on foreplay. I do this and DH never complains.
One other thing. I understand it can be very lonely for you to be a SAHM but you may be relying too much on your husband to meet all of your needs. Women on average use 3x as many words a day as men. Considering the only other person you talk to a day cannot answer you in full sentences, you need to connect with some friends and family. Your H is working and interacting all day at work and cannot be responsible for meeting all of your communication needs once he gets home. If I told my H all the things I tell my girlfriends and coworkers he would be bored to tears! Its healthy to have more than one adult relationship. Maybe you can join a moms group or go to a gym where you can meet other people and stay healthy. It may also make you feel better about yourself. I have no idea what it would be like to have two children so close together but your body has done some powerful stuff these past two years and should be regarded by you and your H as such.
As previously stated. DH has to know you are married to him and not married to the children.
Believe it or not. A child that starts whimpering while you and DH are having sex. Is not going to die or suffer mental scaring for a few minutes until DH is finished.
Definitely this! Maybe you can start pumping and getting your milk flow up so you can store some for an overnight trip. Although, some babies have a hard time going back to BFing after only having a bottle. I hope you guys get some alone time to talk and get back to feeling like a couple! Sometimes a couple days away makes a huge difference.