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DH's low sex drive...
DH and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. While dating, we had a good sex life - we did it pretty often, and same once we were engaged. We didn't live together until we got married, so sex would happen on most nights we spent together at one of our places (which was on weekends, and a few nights during the week).
A while into our engagement, I thought I was pregnant - I vomited a few mornings in a row, and my period was late. It turns out I wasn't, but this happened in April, and we were getting married in December. We were a little freaked out about the close call, so our sex life really scaled back to avoid a true slip up until we were married. The bad things was, once we got married, our sex life never resumed. We had a rough first year of marriage (adjusting living together, money issues and dealing with debt) that I thought might be the problem. However, many of our beginning of marriage issues have been resolved/worked out, but our sex life is still lacking so much.
Since we've been married, I've been the initiator of sex, and have also been the one to suggest new fun ideas, and tried to get him into new places and positions around the house to spark fun and mix things up, etc. He'll normally go for sex if I initiate, but is so much more timid about it than he was while we were dating (he mostly only wants to be in the bed, doesn't etc). I've held off on initiating to see if he will come around on his own, but he won't go for it or bring it up for a few weeks if I don't. We've had several non-confrontational conversations about the issue, and he's ended up saying he agrees with me, but that sex is like going to the gym - it's hard to muster up the effort to get there, but once he's there he likes it. I found this hurtful and surprising, really. I've asked him on a few occasions (casually, not in a confronting manner) if he's bored, and if so, I'd be willing to try new things. He always says no, he's not bored. I've asked him why he thinks his sex drive hasn't been what it used to be. He says he's not sure. I've asked him to think about it and let me know, so we can try to fix whatever it is. He never gets back to me on it, even though I've followed up and asked him about it.
It's gotten to the point now where I end up getting frustrated, and nagging him about it. I hate being that person, but I have tried so many times to talk to him and let him know I am open to him being honest and would love to try and fix things. By fix, I mean have us both want sex and intimacy more than just once a month. I know hat the nagging has driven him away about it - I wouldn't want to initiate sex with him being like that either. I am just at my ropes end with this. We now has a DS who is almost 2 months old, and I was cleared for sex over 2 weeks ago. I asked DH when he wanted to resume sex, and he said "Soon!", however, asked me if I wanted to watch a movie tonight (DS is already alseep). I suggested sex, and his said he was tired, and was excited to watch his movie. I'm exhausted too, but I want sex and intimacy with him more!
Any ideas on what to do from here? I feel like I've tried the constructive approach, and have moved past that to feeling resentful, hurt, and frustrated, and that's clearly not making things better either.
Thanks...
Re: DH's low sex drive...
I have to ask - since you had one pregnancy scare - was your DS planned or an unplanned pregnancy? Is he afraid of you getting pregnant again?
Is your H just exhausted and scared about being a new dad?
I've asked him why he thinks his sex drive hasn't been what it used to be. He says he's not sure. I've asked him to think about it and let me know, so we can try to fix whatever it is.
It's time for you to have that follow on conversation. Let him talk and really, really listen. Yes, you might be hurt and surprised like you were in the previous discussion, but he won't tell you fully how he is feeling if he thinks you aren't open to it.
You might have to be the one to initiate sex and plan date nights for a while, until the two of you get some momentum going.
(And, I am assuming there's nothing else going on, like a medical condition for him, etc...)
Ziti - DS was completely planned. Since getting married, and having the scare, we had gotten mentally, emotionally, and financially ready for a baby. DH was actually ready for kids much sooner than I was, so it's not an issue of him being scared it would have happened again.
There also isn't anything going on medically with either one of us. The one thing I will say is that he has been unhappy with his job for some time now, and has been looking for a new one unsuccessfully and with a lot of rejection for a while (over a year). I know that wears on his confidence, and overall mentality, but it seems like it's one thing after the other (pregnancy scare while engaged, tough first year of marriage, now job issues), and it's frustrating that we don't have that intimacy to look forward to after a hard day or whatever!
I will try to follow up on that conversation again. I have tried, and he's said, "Oh, I didn't think about it", or "I forgot". It just doesn't seem important to him anymore, which I can't figure out.
I definitely know what you mean about one thing after another. That's real life. And, I certainly understand the stressful nature of work.
Can you have a family member watch DS for an evening and have a romantic dinner and some sexy time planned out? Maybe even go to a hotel.
I'm sure sex is still important to him, but there's so much going on and so much that is new that this is a bit of a libido killer. Just being tired alone pretty much does it for me.
I do understand what you mean about how it is frustrating to always be the one to initiate. You have both a sense of "yee haa - we are going to have sex now" and a nagging voice that wants to say "see, dammit, I told you that you would like this". (LOL - don't actually say that.)
Bigger picture - would he consider seeing a counselor, even just for a few sessions with you? Having a baby is a huge life change and he might just need some help bouncing back to this new normal.
LOL! I can actually see saying that to him in the moment, and he would laugh
I honestly don't think he would see a counselor over this. We talked about going to see a counselor when we were going through that rough first year of marriage, and he was slightly open to it, but only when things were really bad. He feels like counseling is the last step of reconciling issues before separating or divorce. I told him I saw it as more of maintenance for the marriage, but he has a hard time seeing it that way. So, I think he would reject the idea of going, especially since he can barely talk to me about it. I guess I would only use that suggestion as a last resort with him...
Obviously, I'm with you that counseling is a maintenance thing not a last ditch effort.
When you sit down to talk to him, maybe you could tell him how this whole situation makes you feel - that you want to feel more desired, have him initiate more, etc - and you feel that you two could use a discussion with a neutral party about how to make the adjustment from a couple into parents. If you tell him that counseling would be very helpful and important to you and that you need this from him, maybe he would be more receptive.
Also with the work stress - is there a way the two of you can make a plan going forward? Critique your budget, look for new jobs for him, etc? (Outside of maternity leave, are you working FT?) Is the added stress of daycare weighing on him, etc?
Question I keep forgetting to ask - is there physical intimacy outside of sex, does he kiss you goodbye in the morning, hold your hand in public, snuggle a bit before going to sleep?
This is the picture of a young man with a lot of pressures in his life and now sex has become just another pressure!....not only is his job inadequate for him and the source of much anguish but he now has a young son to be responsible for as well as all of the other responisbilities of marriage and now, to top it off, he has a sexually demanding wife who he loves but knows is sexually frustrated...........
.............So, basically, instead of sex being something that he can look forward to and that refreshes his soul and his love for his partner, it has now become yet another chore and responsibility that he is not really managing..........
Perhaps it's time to feel less frustrated and more worried about your husband. Perhaps it would be wise to forget sex for a time and get back to lots of cuddles in front of the TV every night,...then, perhaps you might use a vibrator while you both cuddle so that he knows the pressure for him to satisfy you is taken off ........ Eventually, he will hopefully want to join in again.
Certainly this could be a medical issue (low testosterone, for instance), a psychological one (despite his statements otherwise, he might not want another baby, or it could be Madonna whore syndrome), or something else going on with him. I wouldn't discount that, but you've already gotten good advice there.
But, and I'm not trying to be a jerk here, it could be something else. You said you recently had a baby, yes? In your honest opinion, would you say that you are in good shape right now? Do you think it's possible that he's less attracted to you?
It could certainly also be that he doesn't feel great about how he looks as well, and frankly, the best case (assuming fitness was an issue at all) is if you both were out of shape, so that you guys could go to the gym, on runs, play tennis, etc. together to get back into shape. Just throwing that out there because no one else had yet.
I am a lurker, hi!
I would suggest seeing a urologist. A lot of men have hormonal imbalances and low testosterone. If this is the case, only the doctor can help your sex life.