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Discussion with Wife Last Night - long first post
I am more of a lurker than a poster. This is my first post on the Nest message boards.
Background: Wife and I have been married for 4 years. We were good friends before we started dating. We had a great sex life while dating and in the beginning of marriage. Things slowed down, understandably, and it was no problem. We recently had a baby who is now 7 weeks old. I was certainly excited when she got the "all clear" from the Dr. after 6 weeks. We are now at 7.5 weeks and it still hasn't happened yet. I am a good husband :-) We have a very healthy relationship, and my wife is my best friend. We share all of the duties around the house.
So last night I asked her if there was anything I could do to make her feel more sexy, more attracted to me, or if there was something I was doing that was turning her off. She said no, everything is good. Then she said "But I never orgasm so, you know, why would I want to have sex." Ouch, ton of bricks hit me. Now she has never been orgasmic during intercourse, but can orgasm on her own. She has had the O with my but rarely. She always said she enjoyed sex without the O and to not worry about it. We have tried to bring the toys into the bedroom but for some reason she is uncomfortable about it. She has said before "I just can't let go when we are having sex." It is like she is ashamed to orgasm with me.
I am hurt. Not because she doesn't O, but because she never talked to me about this. I have ordered a couple of books to read with her, but is there anything else I can do? Knowing that this board is mostly women, I thought I could get some good advice. Any of the women here have/had this problem?
Thanks.
Re: Discussion with Wife Last Night - long first post
I rarely O with my H either but I love sex still, there's still a heck of a lot of pleasure even if you don't O that makes sex completely worth it and enjoyable.
I kinda have trouble believing this is the real reason that your wife doesn't want to bother having sex with you right now. I doubt too that it has anything to do with you being a good man, attractive man or good husband/father. I don't have kids so I'm kinda interested to see what people who do have kids have to say but I would imagine that after going through childbirth that I you might be pretty uncomfortable with your new body, maybe a little scared, maybe worried that it won't be good, or that the H will be disappointed. I just can't imagine that she wouldn't want to have sex JUST because she doesn't O with you.
In the past, she could orgasm if she worked at it. Now, she's exhausted from caring for an infant and just doesn't feel she has the time to work at it. I'm sure sleep is much more appealing for her.
Some women can't let go enough to orgasm during sex because they're embarrassed that it takes too long, they hate the noises they make, the look on their face, whatever. It has nothing to do with you.
post-baby, it's really really REALLY hard to get back into feeling sexy or even in the mood. Here are some of the things i dealt with after having a baby, and at 7.5 weeks, it's all still very new.
1. boobs: if she's breastfeeding, the last thing she wants anyone to do is touch her boobs. they hurt, they are HUGE, they are used for feeding the baby. if you're a boob man she may be worried you'll go straight for "the ladies."
2. What if the baby wakes up? i was constantly worried about waking up the baby. and if the baby did wake up, it totally killed the mood. at 7.5 weeks, the baby is still very demanding, and can wake up at any time.
3. When the baby sleeps, mommy sleeps. all i wanted to do was sleep when i could. even if the sexy time lasted 5 minutes, that was 5 minutes i wasn't sleeping.
4. my body is not my body. everything is stretched out in weird places, things sag, things hurt, and i don't feel attractive at all. the last thing i want is for someone to see me naked.
5. i had a c-sect, and i was worried about stitches or opening something that was still healing. i can't imagine wanting to put something in my vag after an 8 lb baby just went through it. even if i did get the all clear. the vagina is a very personal and sensitive thing. it's internal, psychological and may not respond the way you want it to. she may be worried about it hurting. i know if i haven't had sex in a while, the first time can be sore. i would imagine the same is true for someone who delivered vaginally.
i have a feeling this has more to do with a lot of those other things, than not orgasming. she might be using that as a crutch since you knew about it before hand.
i think it took about 6 months or so before i was feeling normal enough to have regular sex with my h. but that was me. your wife may be different.
She can get close, but never seems to get over the edge.
Thanks, this is helpful.
If you have gotten her close definitely keep going till she reaches. When you two are ready to start having sex again IMO you should explore ways of having her reach orgasm when you play with her. Toys are not the enemy and should be something that can bring you closer- start with a vibrating c-ring- more user friendly and they sell them at the drugstore now. I hope everything works out for you, she probably needs time to feel herself again.
Good luck!
The doctor all clear doesn't mean she's ready.
I still had a lot of pain, I was on bed rest so my XH didn't get much during the pregnancy. He was chomping at the bit, begging, etc. He was impatient and it pissed me off. He also was obsessed with my boobs which hurt and quite frankly leaked during sex--oh that's hot.
He demanded we start doing date nights (in a super passive aggressive way. He put money in a child care flex account and started ordering a baby sitter because we had to use it or loose-we lost a lot). I wasn't ready for a babysitter (who was a total stranger and turned out to be looney toons), which he forced. On date nights he basically got me drunk so he could get laid....really charming and not recommended.
What would have worked for me a little patience and my ex helping with the baby. Sending me out for a massage, a mani-pedi, a shopping trip for a special date. Release time from full-time parenting-him taking baby for a walk, trip to the park so I could read a magazine (for some reason I really like Cosmo, so that actually would have helped things) for an hour instead being expected to do a load of dishes.
We ultimately ended up at a Sex Therapist after DS was a year old. We had sex once after the first session and two months later I was done going and ready for the divorce. Ultimately the reason we weren't have sex was related to intimacy issues and the fact that I no longer respected my H.
Thank you for sharing your experience. And yes, I have been patient, not pressuring, begging, etc. I have said things like "I can't wait to make love to you again" but only casually and infrequently, so I don't think she feels pressured. I know she is scared of having sex, even though she did have a c-section, which is understandable. And I do help out with the baby and give her time to take care of herself.
Last night was more of a casual conversation. Not an argument at all. We talked about ways to overcome this, and we ordered a couple books that we will read together.
Get yourselves to a marriage counselor: you need to learn how to communcate.
Now she has never been orgasmic during intercourse, but can orgasm on her own.
Ask her to show you what feels good -- then you do it -- manually stimulate her -- and if you're not going down, I suggest you start right now.
Good luck; this is fixable -- I also suggest couples' "how to" books -- tons of mainstream bookstores like a Barnes N Noble carry them.
Does she stimulate her clitoris when you are having sex?
I probably wouldn't be all that excited for sex in that situation. Of course, I also probably wouldn't have married this person and had a kid with them, either. To raise this issue as a reason for abstinence now is not only lame, but cruel.
I'm not a female, so my advice is probably worth less, but if it were me I'd tell her that I understand her body might be uncomfortable right now, but I'd like to know if that's the issue. If it's that, fine, you can wait a bit longer. If it's the baby taking up time, you can probably figure out solutions there as well.
If it's the O thing I'd tell her that she's not going to fix that through celibacy, so you guys might as well try some things out.
Wow, this is the most amazing thing I have read on The Nest thus far. Heck yes!!
I don't O with my DH either unless I help myself out a bit. I have come fairly close, but it still doesn't kill my mood for sex that I don't O. I don't have kids yet, but I can imagine I would probably feel fairly uncomfortable with my body after having the first, like a lot of these women have said. So ditto to the body image posters.
By the way, the fact that you're posting on this board shows that you really care about your wife and want to find out how you can help her. Kudos for that.
I'm jumping in a bit late, but I just saw this post as I don't frequent the boards much. I'm currently preggo with my 3rd child. I can tell you from experience that those first few weeks at least for me I did not feel at ALL attractive or even wanting sex. Like somebody stated, you're so tired that you just want to sleep every minute that the baby is sleeping. The boobs do feel like bricks and hurt with even the slightest touch. My dh is a boob guy and it just kills him as I nearly triple in size when I have babies.
The big question would be is she breast feeding? That can also kill any sex drive. It wasn't until I stopped nursing that I really felt like I was "in the mood". The moment I stopped, my sex drive came back full force. Just give it some time and keep the lines of communication open, but don't let her feel as if she's being pressured into having sex. Our bodies go through all sorts of craziness hormonally when we have children. She will come around, I promise.