Sex & Romance
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Flollow up on my last post (sort of)
Ok, so I want to thank everyone who said my FI was not a douche bag, because he isnt. I love him and sometimes I may be too easily talked into things, because of my own fault, not his. I started out being completely oppossed to anal sex. The longer I was with him, the more I felt my sexuality unleash and blossom, and I learned to really love sex, like I knew I should, but never had. There have been so many things in the bedroom that he has persuaded me to do that I leaned I really liked and never knew about it. I thought this might be one of those things. Each time gets a little better, still not totally enjoyable, but he was right that it hurts less and less each time, and he stops after its in and I say no more, its not like he just goes crazy on me. So yes, I still dread and dislike doing it, but I am also getting use to it, and maybe someday I will like it, or maybe not, who knows. P.S. I like him being dominant in the bedroom ,it does turn me on that he takes the lead, and I do sometimes to when the mood strikes, so I dont think dominance is necessarily a bad thing.
Re: Flollow up on my last post (sort of)
I just can't imagine Fi getting a boner when he knows darn well that I am in physical pain. I can't imagine any good man doing that.
If you want to kid yourself into believing he is doing you a favor by "awakening your sexuality", that's your business.
Good luck to you.
Your FI sounds like a good guy--honest. Good for you for letting your sexuality blossom and trying new things. Some you'll like, some you won't, some you may learn to like if you feel like sticking it out longer, but no harm in giving something a shot, right? Variety is the spice of life.
With my ex, it was a once-in-a-while thing... sometimes he'd ask and I wasn't up for it, and he respected that. But sometimes I was willing to endure the discomfort (NOT pain, ahem) and he had a grand old time. Then the next night we did something I wanted.
You guys sound like you have a really healthy sex life. Kudos!
Whatever you need to tell yourself, I'm still going with he's a douche. You don't like it, it hurts. What part of that exactly doesn't make him a jerk for still pushing you to do it?
Post#1
My FI wants to have anal sex, I dont like it, I have done it a couple times with him and have told him it hurts and I dont want to do it. He says I should do it more so I can get use to it, then it wont hurt. He says he just wants to do it every once and a while and put it in once or twice because it makes him feel dominant. He is not normally insistant on many things in the bedroom that I dont want to do, except this. I cant seem to talk him out of it. What should I do, it makes me feel degraded and gross. Does anyone else enjoy it? Maybe I should give it a little more time.
OK so tell us WHICH of these posts is the truth? How long did it take you to packpeddle? Can you comprehend? This is about HIM trying to talk YOU into something you dont want to do..something that makes you feel "gross and degrading" Something youve told him you dont liike!!!!
Can you comprehend that is NOT cool, great guys don't do that, respectful guys wouldnt continue to press you...etc?? Can you comprehend????
I think people are probably blowing how much he's "pushing" it out of proportion... more than likely, he's asking her to give it another try, or just talking to her about it. Which is exactly what couples SHOULD do when they disagree about something (talk about it).
I don't think he's a jerk just because he proposed something to do in the bedroom that she ended up not liking. Sure, acknowledge the fact that she's not nuts for it, but anal is one of those things you have to try a few times before you can really say whether or not you like it. It's not unreasonable of him to ask her to give it another try or two. It doesn't mean he's grabbing her by the wrists and slamming her down on the bed.
She already said she's tried it multiple times and she doesn't like it. At that point him continuing to ask her does become him pushing her. I agree that he's not a jerk for asking her the first time to try it. She agreed and didn't like it, not his fault. But after several attempts on her part, and he's still basically telling her to suck it up and go for it again, even though it's painful and she's not a fan. That to me makes him a jerk. She should be able to tell him no and have that be the end of it.
She's also said she's growing less and less uncomfortable with it and that he does listen when she says "no." So the negotiation between them is still ongoing. I just don't like painting it black and white. There are gray areas, people don't always word things perfectly and people are allowed to revisit their feelings on things.
I'm starting to feel like her spokesperson at this point, which is weird, lol. I'm really just all about happiness, openness, forgiveness, compromise and communication.
and that he does listen when she says "no." = major douche
he also said it made her feel degraded and gross...so she should just continue to do so because HE wants to?
this isnt about the act it is about his continuing to push the issue after she has said numerous times she doesnt like it!
just becuase something gets less uncomfortable physically doesnt mean it does the same mentally.
You came here complaining about your H and anal. No one forced you or told you what to write. We didn't say it was gross or degrading you did. Then all of a sudden you changed your mind when people told you what a creep your H was for doing so. Hey you are the one who has to be married to a guy like that and if you think it is normal or wonderful then yay for you.
If you want to go through life being pushed into doing things that YOU think are gross and degrading go for it honey, but please don't complain about it here.
LMAO at the femminist comment, that was great. If a feminist stands up for what she thinks is right and wrong, gross or not and refuses to do something she thinks is degrading, sign me up baby.
I will repeat that anal sex must be voluntary & there is relaxation issues. If you are not comfortable, grossed out or otherwise opposed to the sexual practice then you shouldn't degrade yourself. If you feel that it is degrading and gross don't let your husband talk you into it. You have a right to your feelings and no amount of regular anal sex is going to change the root feelings you have about it. I am 100% serious about that. You may grow to resent your husband and that will create problems.
As I said in my previous post I think that if you want to work anal sex into your bedroom repertoire then you should work up to it using various sex toys. There should always be a safe word or indicator of when someone should stop whatever it is that they are doing if it becomes painful or uncomfortable. You can injure yourself so when your husband isn't stopping when you are in pain you can really damage your anal tissue. It is also a respect issue. Both partners must respect each other & their limitations. It sounds like your husband has a problem with this. I am not saying he is a bad person, or a douche-- but that as part of his sexual education he needs to understand that his needs are not paramount. Your comfort & enjoyment of sex should rank above his need to have dominance. Sex is supposed to be a loving act between equal partners.
Boundaries, safety & the comfort of all involved in any sex act trumps the "dominant male" thing. You can always role play with your H in the future with anal sex and let him do his dominant thing, but in the beginning he needs to be slow & gentle.
I don't think that it is fair to you or the quality of your sex life to allow this type of thing to continue without you being on-board with it 100%. If you want to experiment then commit to it and don't complain about it being "gross".
Be safe & good luck.
Ha! I would not call myself a hard core feminist. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just don't see how it applies. You asked for advice. Cleary the issue upsets you. But since you didn't like the majority of answers that you got, saying your FI is a jerk for continuing to pressure you into this, you changed your tune and now everything is fine.
You gave it a shot for him right? A few times and you still don't like it. It's still painful? Why does it have to continue? Why does there have to be gray area if you already don't like it? How about NO, you aren't putting it in my pooper, end of story. IMO any guy who refuses to take no for an answer (gee I think we have a name for that) is an azzhat, no matter how wonderful you keep saying he is. If he wants to be dominant he can do it in other ways, that's where compromise comes in. Compromise is not you caving to his pressure.
What in the hell kind of guy would ask a woman for something he knows damn well that she not only doesn't enjoy, but finds to be painful, dreads, and dislikes? He's not a good guy. Not at all. A good guy treats his SO as a partner, not as a blow-up doll to use in his fantasies.
I'd like to teach this guy to enjoy being punched in the face. He won't like it at first, but you know, maybe if I just keep doing it...
Whatever helps you sleep at night, kid, but this is a 180 from your earlier sentiments on the subject.
"I don't like it."
"It makes me feel degraded and gross."
YOUR words.
Now, if you like to be degraded and dominated during sex, that's a different story, but I'm thinking you're a reluctant bottom who is not really enjoying her passive role in this little passion play.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
funniest comment evar! haha!!! LOL.
Yes, but the more he does it the less it bothers you. right?
You can continue being in denial and rolling over and taking it, but in the end, it's only you that's going to hurt emotionally.
Some can call this a healthy sexual relationship, I say doing things you don't enjoy in the bed and "taking one for the team" is a ridiculous sentiment. You take one for the team in areas of your life that are able to be compromised on. Not in areas that disturb, disgust, degrade or hurt you.
Your husband is pressuring you to do something you don't like. You've stated this, while trying to backpedal, plenty of times now. Why are you able to admit this while denying it?
I wonder if you'd allow this had you ever been with a truly selfless lover. Your husband is selfish. The gentleness he exhibits during your anal encounters are null and void for the simple fact that he's manipulating you with pressure and guilt to get the anal in the first place despite your reservations.
You have a beautiful son. I truly mean that. I hope you don't raise him to let him know it's okay to manipulate his future wife like this.
And for the record, I'm in no way an extreme feminist. I can just spot a passive person backpedaling because that used to be me.