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Married 7 weeks, sex 3x since then, are you kidding me!!! (long)
Hello,
This is my first post on this board. My DH and I have been married nearly 7 weeks, and I can't get him to touch me with a 10 foot pole (much less his). Sex on our wedding night, and twice after. Not even on our honeymoon. I try to pique his intrest. I'll wear a silk nightie to bed, walk by him naked, I even tried rolling him over one night and touching him sensually from head to toe.... Nada! The last time he 'tried' to initiate sex, he rolled over, gave me what can only be described as a titty twister, and when I said ouch, he rolled over and went to sleep.
This week has been the last straw for me though. One night we put the kid to bed super early, we climbed into bed ( I was wearing his favorite nightie), and I started to rub his stomach right above his pants line, and sneak my finger under his pj's. There was no question where that was going. He literally flung my hand away and rolled over. I rolled the opposite way and started crying, he didn't even roll over and ask me what was wrong, nothing. Then, the next night, I put the kiddo to bed early again, got in the shower and shaved every hair from the neck down, exfoliated everywhere and shaved again. My skin could have been mistaken for a newborns. The entire time I was in the shower, he was reading. As soon as the shower water went off, he put the book down, and rolled over. I made it a point to put sweet smelling silky lotion all over my body, right in front of him, and he ignored the entire thing. Soft core porn right in front of his eyes, and he rolled over. When I went to put the lotion away, I came back and he was "snoring".
He hardly ever/ never compliments me, even though I work really hard to be his 'hot' wife. One of his friends once told him he was hot and his response was 'yeah, she's pretty cute'. Thats all I ever get from him, cute.
Here's the bottom line, and I'm sorry this is so long... I can't live in a sexless marriage. There is no intimacy. When we do have sex, it's like I'm his toy and that's it. I don't feel closer to him, I feel used. There's no cuddling afterwards, he always jumps right up and washes his penis off like I'm dirty or something. Because of all of this, I almost don't want him to touch me anymore. I feel nothing, not a spark, my heart doesn't melt, nothing. It's completely sterile. Almost like I was hugging a distant uncle. I've slept in the guest room the last 3 nights, and I don't really want to move back into our bedroom.
I feel like if I confront him about this, there MIGHT be change, but I'll always wonder if he's just trying to satisfy me and do it to keep me from bitching. I know this sounds like the break-up, but all I want is for him to want to have sex with me, to lovingly caress me, to kiss me passionately, to connect with me. And I don't want him to have to be asked.
Any advise would be great. Thanks ladies!
Re: Married 7 weeks, sex 3x since then, are you kidding me!!! (long)
One word: communication.
You need to talk to him about this. If he doesn't respond, demand an explanation.
Was he very sexual before the wedding? Is he having medical issues? Stress at work?
Talk to him.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
It definitely sounds like there's something seriously going wrong. My only suggestion is to not initiate sex at all for a while.. but you still need to talk to him about it. Don't tell him that you want to have sex right then and there, you just want to know why he won't touch you at all. Don't expect it after a talk, and don't initiate it.. just see if he'll open up to you. Since he seems like he wants space, give him space, but still be there for him.. if that makes sense... Hopefully he'll start talking soon. If not, suggest marriage counseling or something..
I'm sorry I really don't have much advice. I've been married only 3 weeks now, but we've been dating for almost 7 years.. so I don't have much advice in the marriage department. Hang in there!!
We have to know what your sexual relationship was like before the wedding to give you better advice.
It sounds like this guy couldn't care less about your feeling or needs. Even if he shapes up and gives you more sex, I doubt he will ever be a sensitive, caring partner. I think this is grounds for an annulment. I'm sorry.
Let's see if I understand. You moved into the guest bedroom, he tried asking why, and you didn't tell him. You still have no intention of telling him because you want him to show affection on his own and not do it just to keep you? Sorry, but that's not gonna fly. You need to tell him exactly what you've told us and ask him point blank what's going on inside his head. Without communicating directly, there's no hope.
If he makes a half-ass effort initially and then reverts to his old ways, then I'd insist on counselling or just leave. I hate to say that after such a brief marriage, but like the pp said, he doesn't sound like a caring partner. He kind of sounds like an ass.
One of my friends is married to a guy with a crappy sense of self-worth. He tries to put her down and make her feel like no other man will want her, probably because he's afraid she'll leave. I have to wonder if that's what's going on when your H says, "Yeah, she's cute" when his buddies call you hot.
If it's difficult for you to talk about, you could try writing him a letter instead. Anything that lets him know exactly how you feel. You deserve to know what's going on and why he keeps pushing you away.
My H and I went through something similar to this 4 years ago, (we weren't married then). I would try my hardest to initiate sex and there would be nothing. I would get really upset and cry myself to sleep. I finally was able to talk to him about this and I told him my feelings, he said he was turned off when I tried so hard every night. So even though I was upset by what I was hearing, I left him alone, and let him initiate sex. It did start to happen more often, but we had to work on our relationship.
We went through another dry spell about a year ago. He didn't want to have sex with me and I was upset. I wanted to have the passionate sex, and he didn't understand the feelings behind it. I finally made him understand that he was the only person I wanted to do that with. Sex made me feel closer to him, and solidified our relationship. My H started to understand, and it has not really been a problem since.
You two need to talk, you need to take back your bedroom, and don't put each other down about it. He talks, you ACTIVELY listen (don't interrupt, let him finish), then he should do the same for you. We do this, and it's amazing the things we have learned about each other.
Good luck.
Something is very wrong here.
What I strongly suggest: you have a heart to heart talk with him -- and make it as ugly and as profound as possible -- I strongly suggest a deadline -- and if he still refuses to ante up in the sex department, ANNULMENT.
I don't know what your sex life was like before marriage, but what is happening here is pretty telling.
Either he is gay or he's merely decided the sex department is bankrupt and closed for business for good. Either way, it does not bode well for your marriage. This guy has never been emotionally commited to you; sorry.
This is unheallty and abnormal. Do what's best for yourself and for your child -- I personally would not want to stay in a marriage where my child would get the idea that it's just fine for Daddy to not only shun Mommy but treat her like a piece of dirt. GL.
I'm going to have to agree with Tarpon.
How old is your child? This is your child with him, correct?
Actually I was asking the kid to figure out some logistics about her filing for divorce or anullment, b/c I think it is going to come to this in the end.
He doesn't seem to care about her at all and isn't willing to make the slightest effort, which is why I dittoed all of Tarpon's comments.
I ditto both of you. And, why marry him in the first place? I know sex is certainly not everything in a marriage and everyone I know does in fact go though dry spells but this, is far from normal.
How old is the child? Does OP want the child to grow up thinking this is how a marriage is with two people always on eggshells and never showing affection towards each other. If a child grows up in such a manner then they are destined to repeat what they see.
If that were my situation I would have tried ONCE to have a conversation about it and if I was blown off....bye bye hubby. I know that sounds harsh but in this type of situation it sure as hellz sounds to me like he really just doesn't give a sh!t and no amount of talking is going to solve it Nobody deserves to be in a sexless,non affectionate marriage (unless of course that sort of thing floats their boat).
Kristi and Kerry June 21,2008
I'm also wondering how young the OP's H is --- it also very well could be that if he's young (under 21) he's suddenly realized that this is a lifelong commitment and that he wants no part of it.
Their former sex life is dust in the wind; what matters now is what is happening now and I vote that the OP get out as soon as possible.
And it's not just a lack of sex: he is being cruel and unyielding to the OP. As I said and as a pp said, who needs a child to be exposed to that type of father.
Please don't listen to these comments. I went through a similar situation with my wife.
It seems clear that your husband doesn't know what is wrong and may not understand other than your weird emotional outbursts that something is wrong. To him, nothing is wrong between the two of you and your sex life is not broken. It is more likely not on his list of priorities, aka other things are eating at him.
Calm down, understand your husband cares about you. Find out what is bothering your husband and fix that issue. It is not YOU! Becoming frustrated and thinking it is about you may only cause you pain and leave your husband confused (which you've said he is).
No one here can give you a magic bullet to fix the issue.
You need to communicate with him, but do that without bringing up the sex issue first. Just communicate, find out what might be wrong... don't bring up the lack of sex... it is even on the guide in this website.
Do those of you who offered destructive advice? What the hell is your problem? You clearly should not be married or get married, your advice seemed like it came from a pack of high schoolers. Please think before you tell someone to act destructively.
I personally am 34 and have been married once before to a guy very similar to this. After many talks he still "didn't get it" that there was something wrong and was very unwilling to even try to fix the problem (which as I stated he didn't think existed). We went 6 months with no sex and when we did have sex it was boring as hellz because there was no emotion between us. I can recall a Valentines Day where I bought a lovely red slip nighty (which my current dh loves) and did the works on myself to look amazing..guess what...nada..there was no reaction from him at all. After 8 very long years (we were married for 5 of those years) I finally had enough and filed for divorce.
Amazingly enough we are now good friends. I'm remarried (2yrs now) in what I would consider a damn near perfect marriage and he has a gf. Sometimes people need to wake up and realize that they just aren't meant to be together and may be better friends than lovers.
This of course is not true in all situations. However, to me a partner who is unwilling to even recognize that there is a problem and it is hurting the other partner is probably never going to recognize the problem in the first place.
Kristi and Kerry June 21,2008
I agree that there is something very wrong here...You all have only been married for seven weeks....
You definitely need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him ASAP...If you don't then it will get worse.
Dear Cassie,
The only person who can help you guys is a LPC Licensed Professional Counselor. Do not make any decisions after only 7 weeks of marriage. I think you must have known this guy was the man you wanted to marry and you have done everything in your power you know how to do. Now its time to let a professional give you the advice you need. P.S. Never go to a counselor without your partner.
Also its not good to sleep in another bed even if you have fought. Try intimacy that isn't sexual (snuggling) so that he knows he can trust you don't have ulterior motives. Know that sounds silly but, he may have some trust issues. Try and be very encouraging when he does something right, that helps men a lot.
I know it isn't you its something going on with him he needs counseling!
Lady ---- are you kidding?
(and is it me or did I just see Mrs. Cleaver come to my back door with a big plate of fresly made brownies, accompanied by a nice fresh pitcher of milk???"