Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Article for discussion -- the only child
Did anyone see this article in Time magazine and care to discuss? (LVila, are you still reading Time?) Unfortunately, the complete article isn't online, but here is the abridged version if you'd like to take a look.
Synopsis:
This article addresses the stereotype that only children are "spoiled, selfish, solitary misfits".
Apparently, due in part to the recession, more couples are choosing to only have one child.
The article says that the stereotypes of only children being lonly and selfish stem from a 120-year-old study. However, studies from the past 30 years show that the stereotypes aren't true. Rather, according to recent studies, only children score higher on standardized tests and have higher self-esteem.
Also according to recent studies, only children also have happier parents -- more adults (or was it just women?) with only one child rated themselves as happy compared to adults with no kids or two or more kids.
Re: Article for discussion -- the only child
I found this article to be really interesting particularly because IF my husband and I were to decide to have a child, there is a high likelihood that we would only have one.
However, I too have often heard that it's not good or fair to the child to only have one. In fact, I once heard an older woman say that having only one child is the worse thing that you could do to that child. (Granted, obviously she was exaggerating, but still she was making a point.) So, it had crossed my mind in the past that having one child would be more "selfish" than having no children, because the kid would be miserable.
So, this article stating that all of those stereotypes are largely incorrect was interesting to me. Also -- and I wish the abridged version included more of this section -- it discussed how parents with only one child were often happier because they weren't stretching themselves too thin and they were able to experience all of the joys of parenthood, while still having enough time for themselves. And happy parents = happy child.
Very interesting.
I think T is going to be an only child, so articles like this definitely help lessen the guilt I feel when I hear all the negative remarks from people who think I should have more than one.
You should definitely check out the complete article. I don't think the abridged version does it justice. If you can't find it online, I can scan/email you the article from my issue if you'd like.
Have you told many people IRL that T will likely be an only child? Do you hear a lot of negative remarks about that?
I wonder which is more frowned upon in society -- telling people that you're only having one child or that you're not having any.
I have definitely told a lot of people that there is a HUGE chance T will be an only. Thay say the typical 'he'll be spoiled rotten and selfish or lonely and sad', etc.
I would probably say from my experience that telling people you aren't having any is more frowned upon though. Which is lame, but I think more true.
I think it's ridiculous that people still carry these misconceptions. You can have a wonderfully well adjusted only child and you can also have a spoiled child who has 3 siblings. The number of children really doesn't matter that much - the parenting does.
Personally, when/if we have a kid, I'll probably take awhile to see how it goes with the first one and then decide whether or not to have/adopt more. Growing up, I thought I wanted to pop out lots of babies, but that's changed a lot as I've aged.
Screw what other people think. I agree that if the parents aren't happy because they are spread to thin (regardless if its from having 2 or 5 or 10 children) I think it is bad for the kid(s).
I also think there is going to be a shift in perception about having one child. I think you will still get negative feedback from older adults who grew up where it was normal to have 5-10 children.
If I only have 1 child I will make sure that he/she gets plenty of opportunity to socialize with other children especially cousins or other relatives. Because I think that is one area that an only child could miss out on.
Hi. My name is Deeder and I am an Only child.
I think that it all depends on the parents if the child is spoiled, selfish, a misfit. Was I spoiled as a child, some what. I didn't really want for anything but my parents knew how to say NO and they used it often. Am I selfish. Yeah is someways I am. I didn't have to deal with siblings fighting with me or playing with my stuff. I continue to this day to be the apple of my Dad's eye. Were my parents happier b/c they had only one? I think it was a big thing for them to over come. Dad wanting more and Mom not being able to have anymore, but the enjoyed me...I think. Test score I'm not sure about I always had problems with them.
I will let you in on this little secret. My self-esteem isn't the best right, now at least and my biggest fear is being or doing things alone. I have spent my life with very few friends. Most of the time I can count them on my hands.
I recently found out that when I was in school early on that some teachers and the principal were concerned that I wasn't getting along with the other kids. I was brought to a Psych. and evaluated. After the process the DR looked at the principal and asked what was wrong with him. This child is very intelligent and thoughtful. The reason you don't see her with the other kids is because they do kids things and she would rather be with the adults in the teacher lounge. Kids do kid things and this little girl doesn't want to do that. Talk to her like an adult, that is what she understands.
My BFF was raised as an only, but has 8 half/step siblings and we share some of the same qualities. My SS is being raised as an only now although he has 2 half siblings in NC. HE didn't like his brother and remembers what it was like. He is happy with being our only. DH & I have often talked about having one our selves but always "shelved" the idea b/c of what it would do to SS. SS view is if you have another kid than you get rid of me.
I totally agree with this. And that is my plan with T as well - he already spends a ton of time with his older (also only child) cousin and goes to daycare so he's around other kids all day - learning to socialize and share
The article did mention that onlies tend to act more adult due to the fact that they interact more with adults on a daily basis than with children.
The article also addresses this issue to a degree and said its becoming more common for parents to make this decision.
Deeder, thanks for your comments! I was wondering if anyone here is an only child. My husband and I were talking about this yesterday and realized that we knew almost no one who is an only.
Kasa - Thinking back I don't think I knew anyone else while I was growing up that was an "only" either. There was always at least 1 other sibling.
I also know a parent that was having a problem with the 1 child she had so she had another one to see if it would help if he had a playmate. Um yeah it didn't.
As for me having a kid, I told DH that I either get a baby or a puppy for my 36th Birthday. I'm thinking it will be a puppy.
I'm also an only child. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I turned out just fine.
I agree with trying to make sure onlies get as much socializing with other children as possible... that's the only thing I think I missed a little when I was growing up. I always wanted siblings, but it wasn't like I was lonely or completely sad about it. I also completely agree with Juli in that children can be well- or not well-adjusted regardless of whether they have siblings or not.
If you have any only-child questions, I'd be more than happy to give you my opinion on the matter!
Ha! Love it.
I had one sibling -- a brother who was two years younger than me. Growing up, I always wished I had a sister. But I wasn't lonely or depressed because I didn't have a sister. I suppose this is similar to only children who grow up kind of wanting a sibling from time to time. I made due without a sister... in part by dressing up my brother with costume jewelry and making him play barbies with me.
Likewise, I'm sure only children are able to make due without siblings just fine.
Also, hi, KtotheO! Nice to see you here. You haven't been around here too much lately, have you?
Okay, I was thinking about this subject more. If you can't tell, it's very interesting to me.
When I was in elementary school, one of my best friends wasn't technically an only child, but her one sibling was a brother who was 12 years older than her and he was out of the house by the time she was in second grade. So, to a large extant, she was raised as an only child.
This friend of mine was waaaaaay more into imagination-based games than me or any of our other friends. She always liked to play dress up, put on plays, etc.
I wonder if this is common with only childs? Since they don't have siblings to play with, perhaps they have more developed imaginations than the rest of us.
Deeder? KtotheO?
For me it was. I was lucky that I had 2 playmates that were sisters only 2 blocks away to play with. When I couldn't play with them I had my imagination to play off of. Even if it was going to the park behind my house where my Dad would sit and read I would play by myself and had no problem with it. Although I was a bit apprehensive if other child showed up. I wouldn't want to play with them right away. I was easy to entertain for the most part, I think.
I remember when the sounds of nature tapes came out. You know the ones that sounded like rain or oceans. My mom had a Thunderstorm one. I would put it in the tape player and build a "tent" in the living room and play camp and I would be stuck "inside my tent" until the storm was over. Of course I've never been to camp so I didn't know what they did when it rain so I made things up to do with my other camper (aka stuffed animals).
My first reaction when I read this post was to wonder what has changed from 120 years ago to today, if many of the findings back then (lonely and selfish) no longer are true.
XN was raised as an only child - he was an "oops" and his brothers are 14 and 16 years older than him. Was he spoiled? Helllllllllll yes he was! It's actually pretty widely acknowledged in the family that he is the favorite child. (Which makes me actually wonder what kind of psychological effects that had on the older brothers...but that's a different topic.)
However, even though he was spoiled, he got very thorough lessons in manners and etiquette. His parents and grandparents made sure that he always be polite, chivalrous, think of others first, respect women, etc. Sometimes I wonder if his parents didn't like the way their first two kids turned out, because they definitely parented him differently, and it shows. His older brothers are a lot more selfish/inward-focused than XN is. And I can tell you that he is way more selfless, generous and kind than I am, too.
Research techniques have changed. The article states that modern-day researchers criticize the subjective research techniques used 120 years ago.
Interesting, thanks for sharing.
The article discussed how only children tended to do better in school and on standardized tests in part because their parents had more time to focus on them and help keep them on the right track. My initial thoughts on your comments about XN's manners and etiquette is that it is related. Perhaps his parents had more time to focus on him and teach him to be good, polite a person?
I think that last sentence makes a very good point.
As for tests and whatnot, though, he didn't fit the norm there. He never has done well in school or on tests. In fact, we were just talking about this a few weeks ago. He kind of feels slighted by his parents because they never pushed him to DO or BE anything. They encouraged manners, but when it came to school, they had a very hands-off approach. XN said he didn't have the self-discipline to push himself, either, so it just didn't happen. He is smart, but couldn't make himself do well when his parents were happy whether he brought home an A or a C. So he just settled for Cs.
Kasa, I think I still get Time. Unfortunately, it doesn't come with "time" to read it :giggle snort @ the corny joke:
Anyway, I'm on the fence on this subject. If you would have asked me before I had a baby, there was NO WAY I'd ever have a Only. I'm sure that the Onlies would say they weren't lonely and bored just b/c they didn't know any different. Those of us with siblings can't imagine not having them.
Parenting definitely plays a part in how an Only (or kids with siblings) act. As a parent, I would say it's much easier to parent one child. I simply can't imagine having a 4 year old to parent in addition to my 11 month old. I'm sure my imaginary 4 year old would get away with a lot of stuff. On the other hand, having only one child means I can focus 100% on her, which isn't necessarily better than having a 4 year old get away with stuff. Does that make sense?
I'm fairly certain we'll have another child, but it's really appealing to stick with one right now. This is coming from someone who LOVES kids and wanted five of them at one point. Parenting is hard work. The perfect number of children in a family is however many the parents can handle productively.