Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
DH feels "inadequate"
A few nights ago DH came home pretty late, and was really wound up about work.... I hung out with him for a while (drinking a few beers and whatnot, and I figured that I couldn't stay up much longer. So I told him that I was going to head to bed. He said that he understood that I was tired and that it was okay.... Then we started fooling around... I asked him, "are you sure you don't want to come upstairs?" His reply was "i'll just have one more beer then I'll be there." Thinking nothing of it, I said okay and headed upstairs. I was under the impression that one more beer meant one more beer and that he'd be upstairs so we could finish what we started. I got into some nice lingerie and waited for him... 45 minutes go by, so I figured I'd see what he was up to, if he fell asleep on the couch or what, and I found him watching porn with his pants unzipped.... "really?" is what i said to him... i didn't know what else to say... I felt so embarrassed and humiliated....
We talked about it after i cooled down, and he said that he feels that he doesn't satisfy me in bed. I asked him if I had ever complained about anything in bed, and his response was a simple "no"
I told him that I'm sorry that he felt that way, that if he didn't satisfy my needs i wouldn't be with him, and he said that regardless, that's still the way he feels...
I suggested that we put baby-making plans on hold, and maybe do some counseling..
I don't know what to do; he left the next day for 2 weeks (for work) and by the time he gets back, my mom will be visiting. while she's here, he's going to leave for a month (again, for work) and I just don't know when or if we're ever going to be able to fit counseling into his hectic schedule.
I asked him to e-mail me so we can talk about what's going on, and how we can make things right... still waiting on that e-mail...
any suggestions? I'm not so much upset about him watching porn... i know he does it, but i'm more upset that i feel that he'd rather watch porn than fool around with me..
Re: DH feels "inadequate"
I think more talking needs to happen. You need to draw out of him specific instances in which he's felt inadequate to try to get to the root of the problem.
I think you're doing really well so far, actually. Counseling could do you good, if you are able to fit it into your schedule. I don't know much about that aspect of it, so unfortunately I can't offer any advice there. Maybe you could contact some places, explain your situation and see if they can work with you. Maybe you can do sessions over the phone?
Putting baby-making on hold is definitely a good idea. This needs to be sorted out first, because it will NOT get easier after you have kids. And TTC could be a source of anxiety for him, too.
Maybe try shooting the first email? Fill it with support and love and make him feel like he doesn't need to feel uncomfortable unpacking on you. Or talking about it over IM or via webcam when he has downtime while away?
Does he really feel inadequate? You mention this one time, but unless this has been an ongoing thing that he's blowing off sex with you, I'm not convinced that he really does feel inadequate. Maybe he was just caught in an awkward situation and it was the first excuse that came to mind. He even admitted you've never given him a reason to feel inadequate.
You said you were trying for children... maybe he's not really ready, or maybe after work he just wanted to unwind and that meant pleasure without the pressure of trying to accomplish something (be that getting off or getting you pregnant?).
I agree with the others that you guys need to talk this out further. I'd try and talk on the phone while he's away or in your room while Mom's visiting... otherwise you might risk resentment building (on both sides) over this issue.
You said exactly what I was thinking. I don't really buy the "inadequate" thing either!
Since I wrote this I asked him to e-mail me (due to poor reception, and working long hours) how it is that I made him feel that way. All he wrote was:
hi honey,I know you wanted me to email you about this, so this is what ive come up with...most of the time i feel like i don't satisfy you in bed, i don't really know what to do about this and i really can't think of anything else. I love you very much.
Sorry...But that seems like a lame excuse.
He's watching porn because he feels inadequate? Weird.
If this is true (which I seem to doubt) then you should get into counseling ASAP...Oh and he should also be concerned as well...Because from what you wrote he doesnt seem to bothered by this entire thing (not emailing or calling you to discuss).
GL with this
Frankly, this exchange is troubling to me. Instead of unequivocally telling him that you're satisfied, you ask whether or not he's noticed any outward complaining on your part. Following up on that, you suggest that logic dictates that you were being satisfied in bed.
At no point in your post did you actually say that he satisfied you. I'm guessing if you aren't stating that here, you're not stating that at home, either.
My advice depends on whether or not you're actually getting your needs met sexually. If you are, you should probably say it more. Try being more animated in bed. Tell him how much you love it when he does ___. That you can't wait for __. Etc.
If he isn't satisfying you, ask yourself why. Have you ever had an O? With previous boyfriends? On your own? If nothing's worked, trying doing some things (toys, porn, visit to the doctor) to see if you can change that.
Bottom line is that I don't think your husband's fears/concerns are unreasonable, though talking to you about it is probably preferable to what he did. Good luck.