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Married for 5 days and no "O"
Hi,
this is my first time moving from the knot to the nest. I have been married for 5 days. I was a virgin on the wedding night. My husband and I have been having sex 1-2 times a day since our wedding. He has an orgasam every time. I cannot seem to get one in any position we try. I don't know if it just that he cums first, and we stop, or if we are just not doing things right. I did come close one night, but feel strange having to play with myself while he is inside me just for that stimulation. I feel like there is something wrong with me. After sex tonight I started crying. I told him that I feel that way, and he said it was probably just his fault, cause two years of dating a virgin (and him not being one), he has programmed himself to go fast while in the shower ect... I got up and showered to clean up after he went, and I came back hoping to maybe get some comfort and he was snoring...so now I have to be awake 5 hours, but can't sleep because I am so upset. I almost just want to curl up on the couch and not sleep with him. I have tried several positions with him, and the only one time I came close he was going really fast. I want to have sex, but I cannot seem to enjoy it at all. I am getting to the point that it does not hurt anymore, but I cannot feel anything while he inside of me. He cums and I can''t feel it until he pulls out and makes a big mess all over me. I really want to enjoy this as I have been looking forward to it for so long, I just don't. Can I get any suggestions? Thanks ladies!
Re: Married for 5 days and no "O"
The big, BIG drawback to the 'virgin princess' illusion is that it builds the fantasy that the wedding night will be a wonderful fullfilling experience that made all the waiting and wondering and agonising all worth while as the 'new woman' gasps in wonder as the stars of unlimited pleasure sweep her to extasy........
.....In fact, successful love making and sexual intercourse are more like getting your act together in the three-legged race!...it takes a lot of trial and error, some negotiation, some kindness, some KNOWLEDGE of what its all about and also a big dose of patience! Some humour and laughter helps but the last thing it needs is the 'virgin wedding night' stupidity and all of the nonsense that goes with it!
Now that you have done the deed and that virginity nuisance is out of the way you need to forget 'having intercourse' and get back to making love to eachother and really connecting emotionally,.......sit on his lap and get into some really hot love play...tell eachother sweet nothings,..stroke his face and enjoy his caresses.....stroke his body and show him where yo want to be touched....do all this for a long time until you are both very excited and feeling really hot for eachother,...then, and ONLY then, hold his penis in your hand and rub the head inside and around your clit until you both reach a climax.......Sit on top for this and DON'T let him penetrate or start to thrust. Remember that the sexual sensations are mainly in the clit, vulva and first third of the vagina. Over the course of a few weeks you will get the hang of it and find your own style of love making as well as the positions and techniques that you like..........
.....Finally, buy and read together a good sex manual.
2. MANY women do not orgasm from penetration alone. I believe the statistic is 70% cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation. So, unless you're one of the lucky few, this doesn't mean either of you are defective.
3. Do you not feel anything inside while you are having sex or when he ejaculates? I'm not clear on that point. If it's the latter, I just assumed that's normal because I don't either. It's not like it comes flying out at 100psi. But it's not cool of him to finish and then just plop a mess on you without warning.
4. I think you've really built yourself up too much with the idea that sex will be magical and the heavens will open up and shine down on you every time you do it. As the PP said, it takes time for two people to get into a rhythm, let alone one person who is new at it. And you try something crazy and hurt yourself, or you fall off, or something makes a funny noise. But you have to laugh at yourself during those times. So, again, just talk to your husband and keep practicing.
Your vagina has only a few nerve endings, and most of those are around the opening. It's perfectly normal to not really feel anything in your vagina during sex.
And beating yourself up because you've been having sex for 5 whole days and haven't had an orgasm? That's a little over the top. As pp's have said, it takes a while to get to know what you're doing. You weren't able to ride a bike the first time you tried, either.
I just got married a month ago, and DH and I were both virgins until our wedding night. It sounds to me like you're psyching yourself out. I was absolutely beyond shocked when I managed to O our second time, but got really frustrated when I couldn't O again the next few times we tried. It got to the point where I was so frustrated that I was crying afterward because I was convinced there was something wrong with me since I couldn't O every time. Things are going much better now, so I do have a couple of tips for you:
1. Don't be afraid to touch yourself, or have him touch you while you're going at it. You said it feels strange to play with yourself, and it felt strange to me at first, also, but it really can make a huge difference in the amount of pleasure you feel. That's the major thing that helped me start being able to O again. It can be as simple as slipping your hand between the two of you and rubbing yourself. It barely gets in the way. Like someone else said, something like 70% of women cannot O with penetration alone, so it's not an uncommon thing.
2. Remember that sex can be enjoyable, even if you don't O. That was the hardest part for me. At first, I was convinced that I needed to O for sex to be successful, so I spent the whole time stressing about it, and trying to find the best way to get there. DH took extra time to make me feel good and loved and special, and we spent a lot of time talking, and I've now found the joy in the rest of sex, rather than just the O. If you spend an hour feeling amazing, but don't O, I say oh well. The O is icing on the cake, but it shouldn't make or break whether it's a good experience for you. Having that mind set also helps you relax, and when you're relaxed and not focused on "I need to O!" it will help you get there easier.
3. Also, as someone else said, communication is key! Talk to your DH before, during, after, whenever is most comfortable for the both of you, and make sure that he is on the same page as you are, because he can help a lot. My DH can tell when I'm starting to get frustrated and will talk to me, and calm me down so that I can relax and enjoy, rather than stress about wanting to O, and it makes a huge difference. Sex is a two person thing, so you shouldn't be trying to handle this on your own.
Sorry for the length. I hope I at least helped a little.
First of all, calm. the eff. down. Rephrase one of your first sentences. You've been married for 5 days? No. You've been sexually active for five days. You are putting WAY too much pressure on yourself.
It is ludicrous to expect yourself--within 5 DAYS of being sexually active--to orgasm via penetrative sex alone. Most women don't accomplish that in their entire lives!
Do you masturbate? You should. Learn your body and what gets you off. And teach it to your husband.
Use a vibrator. Please, dear god, use a vibrator. And use it on your clitoris, that'll be your most sensitive point. Don't just use it when you masturbate, either. Use it during sex with your husband. It will give you that boost and make your brain connect penetrative sex with higher levels of pleasure.
Does your husband perform oral sex on you? Have him try. This is often much more stimulating to women, and it won't make you feel like you're "racing" him.
Nix that thinking, btw--it's not a race. It's supposed to be fun. Don't feel like you failed at having sex because you didn't orgasm. As soon as you stop thinking of the orgasm as some kind of finish line, the easier it will be to get there. It's a journey, not a destination. Just do what feels good.
And give yourself more than five days. Give yourself more than five months. This isn't an overnight thing... one reason why waiting until the wedding night isn't really the brightest idea. But your life isn't over. Just calm down, take it slow, take the pressure off. You'll live.
First of all, congrats on your marriage! But you are certainly not alone in this situation! I got married June 12, and both my husband and I waited until our wedding night for sex. We were both virgins, talk about awkward honeymoon sex! lol
Rule #1: YOU HAVE TO TALK WITH HIM! You need to communicate to your husband what feels good, what doesn't, if you want to try something else, etc. He may be more experienced having sex with other women, but every women is programmed differently when it comes to sex. I know a girl who can orgasm by penetration alone (lucky girl!) and I know a girl who has only had one orgasm in her life. It's all about communication, you HAVE to be able to talk to him even during sex. If something feels good, tell him so! But then here comes rule #2.
Rule #2: You have to be patient!! Like you, we are having sex daily and I have not orgasmed once but he does every time. I am not disappointed by this because I know it will come eventually as we get more comfortable in the bedroom. It took me a few weeks for penetration not to hurt anymore and not to have to go very slow at first. I know it may take several more months until I orgasm, but in the mean time I am still enjoying my husband and the whole process of sex as itself.
When you say "I can't feel anything when he's inside me" it sounds like you're being over stimulated, probably from him going fast right away. Ask him to take it slow, foreplay is a huuuuge factor for women when it comes to building up for an orgasm. Tell him you're so glad he's having fun in bed, but politely ask him for one night to make a point to try and get *you* off. It was awkward for me to stimulate myself in from of him at first, but that's expected! We talked about it and turns out he thought it was super hot!
It's great if you can have a sense of humor about it all, sex can be so awkward and not go as planned, especially for those of us new at it! I can't tell you how many times my husband and I burst out laughing in the middle of sex because of something silly that happened. If you get frustrated about it, you'll eventually get stressed, which certainly won't help you, and you don't want to end up crying on the couch again! Just remember it wont be like this forever and it DOES get better!
If your husband is willing to try what he can to help you, then realize it's not his fault! Sex is complicated when it means pleasing both parties. You need to realize what you see on TV is NOT what happens in reality. You probably wont orgasm together, and there will by times only one of you orgasms. It just takes practice! So make sure you talk to him, be patient, and to practice practice practice!
I think this may be one of the saddest posts I've ever come across.
Sweetie, there is nothing wrong with you . It takes time. You have only been having sex for 5 days. Seriously, you're overreacting. It takes time to learn your body, learn what works and doesn't work. Having a satisfying sexual relationship with your partner is not a sprint, you have to pace yourself and find a groove that works for you.
Stop beating yourself up and tell your husband to stop beating himself up. He will more than likely always orgasm first, because he's a guy and that's what they do. Take some time, play with yourself, look at some diagrams of your vagina and figure out what the hell is going on down there. You have it built up in your mind, that it was going to be some mind-blowing experience. It rarely is (the first few times).
My first time? He was tiny and I thought, "Dear God, no." You can't be serious that this is what it's all about. Obviously, it got better and it will get better for you too. Be patient and stop being so flippin' fatalistic.
Don't worry, I'm working on it.
Get it on!
"one reason why waiting until the wedding night isn't really the brightest idea."
I understand what you're trying to say, but please be considerate when saying things like this. For me and my husband, we have no regrets waiting until marriage. It was the best decision we've made (besides getting married lol,) but I certainly don't tell my friends that not waiting isn't a great idea for them. Thank you
I'm glad it worked out for you. Personally, I think it's a pretty risky move.
Agreed.
Co-signed.
Don't worry, I'm working on it.
Get it on!
I don't think waiting until you're married is necessarily the problem. Every friend I've gossiped with about their first time experienced the same surprise, confusion, physical pain, and the immediate realization that they needed to do some research... married or not!
I've never known anyone that didn't need a lot of practice, and I don't think fantasizing about losing your virignity is reserved only for people who wait until they're married. If that were the case, then why would anybody want to have sex if they didn't imagine it to be mind blowing.
My concern though is that I think a lot of girls who wait do not educate themselves on sex... like they think it will just come naturally. The good thing though is that it's nice to learn together with your husband, and knowing that you're safe with him and he's not going anywhere
This I agree with 1,000%. Education does worlds to help women with their sexuality (usually, to help anybody with anything
).
Hardly anyone has a good first time. I didn't. My aversion to waiting until marriage is that, there are a lot of relationships which are torn asunder by horrible sex lives and huge sexual incompatibilities. I think it's a huge gamble to not know if you're going to be sexually compatible with the person you're committing to spending the rest of your life with. People underestimate the importance sexual compatibility plays in a relationship and that leads to a lot of undue sorrow, IMO.
Some people who wait get lucky and marry someone they happen to be sexually compatible with, or with whom they can at least make it work... and that's great. I really hope this girl is one of them and that she just needs to get over the hump of beginning her sex life, which is certainly a struggle for pretty much everyone. But for those who don't get dealt a good hand... it's hard to be pro.
Risky- I guess that's in the eye of the beholder. To me lots of sexual experience pre marriage is risky. I know, you've heard them all: pregnancy, STDs, emotional loss from broken relationship, potential of basing the quality of the relationship on the quality of the sex... Just trying to put it into perspective when someone says that waiting until marriage is risky. As if premaritial sex isn't. But to each his own. I also have no regrets-- actually, every person I know who has waited has had no regrets for their choice. BUT that's just a sidenote to the actual poster's question.
As to the OP's main concern: Definitely agree with the other posters who are saying you're being too hard on yourself; it's a learning curve. It really does take time to get in sync, but what's cool is that you get to learn the process together, not from some other experience you had prior to your marriage. BTW I don't think his getting excited too fast is from his past experiences, I think it's part of being a man, which he can get under control. It can be frustrating at times til you get the experience you want, but you will and it can bring you even closer together.
The other posters have offered some good advice. I especially like the recommendation of reading a book, both you and your H together. It can really open up communication and give good info.
Cheers
This is great
Ok, OP, first, calm down. It is really not that terrible that you have not had an "O" in five days of having sex. Once you get the sex thing down, and it will take a while, you will probably not "O" every time.
Now, I think your H is being an enourmousass here. He knew he married a virgin. He knew you were inexperienced. For him to "go fast" and get through sex for HIS orgasm is unfair, selfish, and frankly quite immature behavior. I think this is actually the problem here.
Sit your H down. Tell him that you deserve for sex to be mutually enjoyable. Trust me, he can slow down, he does not want to slow down. You two need to figure out how you can have sex in a way that is satisfying for both of you. If you continue to pressure yourself to have the orgasm you're never going to. He needs to take some time, and you need to respect yourself enough to demand it.
THIS.
Like I said, my DH was a virgin and he waited 2 and a half years for sex, and our first time after 20 minutes I had to tell him to hurry up and finish because it hurt enough that I was ready to be done. If he can last that long the first time, your DH [who has experience, if I remember correctly] can certainly slow it down enough to be able to try and let you enjoy it as well.
being a virgin on wedding night?! wow. that takes some willpower. i have always lived by "you dont buy a car unless you test drive it first" but, to each his or her own.
sex with anyone, for a female at least, takes a bit of time to get an O. My husband and I dated for awhile before we got married and we were sexually active the whole time, but that being said, I didnt get an O the first time, or the first couple times, every time. Sex is a learning process, you need to be in tune with each other and maybe your husband needs to take the time and explore your body and get you "humming" before penetration occurs. Even though I am capable of an O with my husband, we still look at Cosmopolitan and get new ideas for new ways or tricks to try out on each other. If you feel uncomfortable touching yourself, dont, guys are totally turned on by women playing with themselves in front of them. Otherwise, we tried out a c-ring that vibrates and stimulates the clitoris while its on him. New sensations and I am pretty sure that Trojan makes one that is like $10-$15. Good luck, relax, you might be trying too hard and too wound up for it to happen. If you drink (which I dont), it doesnt hurt to loosen up with a glass of wine and let him pleasure you for a night...Best of luck!
MASTURBATE.
That will show you what makes you orgasmic -- and then show him what touches feel good on you.
He also needs to s l o w d o w n. This is sex with his wife, not the Indy 500.
Thanks everyone. I figured the crying was more hormonal than anything...I have been a bit extra emotional this last week. He si actually really good with me and I do have fun. I have talked to him, and we are working on it. It is not just a one sided thing. I just thought it would be easier to figure out I guess. Anyway, Thank you all again for the advice. We will be working on it...and I won't panic anymore. Anyway, I had to reply to someone's message instead of how I would normally do it because even though I am signed in, it won't let me just post a response to everyone. Thank you.
Ive been with my fiance for 8 years now --8 years of sex also.
I dont ever think ive had an O- (i just got off of birth control though so im hoping it might change for me though lol)
the only way i do is by foreplay.
its not your fault, its not his fault. Not everyone has an O
it doesn't mean that sex is over. don't think about it as you HAVE to have an O. just enjoy it. foreplay is the best way to getting to an O.
one thing he can do is learn how to control himself so he doesn't ***.
Ive had at time told me FI to wait cause its enjoyable- i think he just thinks about something else to get his mind off of sex to let it last longer. sometimes he even stops and we just kiss for a couple minutes and then go back at it.
not to give TMI: but im a from the back kind of girl :'') i know when i prop my one leg up on something i get a Great Feeling ... i think i was about to have an O if he would have lasted longer... but its ok.. it happens.
good luck.... and dont think about it just enjoy it.
Most women can't orgasm during sex vaginally. I would suggest him taking care of you beforehand or you working your clit while he is stroking.
I have found that I prefer orgasming before intercourse because it loosens my vagina up and makes for easier entry. Just a tidbit from my own experience.
I agree that it is not a bad idea to wait. Both my husband and I waited until our wedding night. It took 3 days for it to actually work "all the way" because I wasn't stretched out enough to account for his "girth". But when it did finally work, it was great. And it only got better! I do not regret one bit waiting. Working through the first tough days were a lot better knowing I had someone helping me who cared enough to commit his life to me. Also, if we had done it before we got married, it would have SUCKED not being able to work right. We'd have felt like fools!
Anyway, in response to the original post, I have been married for a year and have yet to reach clitoral orgasm from intercourse. I know I can by myself, but it has yet to translate in the bedroom. I have often had g-spot orgasms though, which are still good. And even when I don't have any, sex still feels good, and I consider it a success. Don't focus on the O, focus on the fact that no one else in the world gets to share that special time with you and your husband. What a privilege! Also, I do recommend getting to know yourself so you can teach your hubby what you like, but don't let self-pleasure ever take his place.
Oh, and one of the best pieces of advice I got before getting married was this: No matter what, don't EVER sleep separately, meaning don't make him or yourself sleep on the couch, no matter how angry, hurt, or upset you are. Once you start sleeping apart, you'll get used to sleeping apart, and your intimacy will decrease. So even if you're upset and can't sleep, go lay with your husband. It's for the better. And just because he fell asleep after sex doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. It just naturally happens even to the most caring of men!
Blessings on your future sexual adventures!
It is very, very normal for a woman to take some time before her body learns to orgasm with a partner. The majority of women cannot orgasm just from intercourse. There is nothing wrong with you. You need to have him give you some type of "foreplay" before and/or after intercourse. If he tries for a long time, you tell him what feels best, and it still doesn't work, then fine. It's ok because you won't feel neglected if he just tries. Eventually your body will learn what to do. It's very strange, but it really is not just finding the thing that works. Something just has to click.
Personally I was semi- sexually active for at least a year (with my now-hubby) before I ever had an orgasm with him, and it was not for lack of trying. And then when we started having intercourse it was another whole step to learn. Now things usually work out fine for me (still can't usually O from intercourse), but it just is not automatic for many women like it is for men.
First thing, don't let anyone put you down or make you want to regret waiting. That is not the problem. My DH is my one and only and we don't regret it for a second. We have not had to stress about a lot of things that our friends who have not waited have had to stress about.
With the O, be patient, it will happen in good time. Do not be afraid to let him know what makes you happy. If my DH finishes before I do he allows me the same satisfaction. Keep communication open, be patient, and don't be afraid to tell him what you need/want. Sometimes my DH has to use his hands as well, yours might need to do the same.