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weird about sex since getting married...wtf?!
I don't post often, but this has kind of been a problem and I would like some advice, or know if anyone else has gone through this and what helped them to get out of it!
My DH and I have been married for 10 months, and for some reason, ever since exactly after the marriage, I have been WEIRD about sex. Before we got married, I had a high sex drive, loved having my boobs played with, loved giving head, everything...and haven't been able to get back on the wagon since the wedding.
One thing that was frustrating at first was, the 3 years my DH and I were together before the wedding, we had sex all the time. But for months before the wedding, we were trying to be abstinent for religious reasons. I would stay over at his place all the, but then a few months before he didn't want me staying over anymore and we would get in arguments. I wasn't as on board with the 'no sex, no staying over' as much as he was, and him turning me down really hurt, even though we were trying to be abstinent. Then, on the day of our wedding, I was a little hurt because once the reception was over, I wanted to go to our room (duh!) but he wanted to go down to the hotel bar with his buddies and keep drinking....I practically went to the room by myself!
After the wedding, I just got weird about sex, and went into a bad depression. I went on antidepressants about 2 months after the wedding, and emotionally, I was back 100%. Looking back, I realized I should have gotten back on my meds long before the wedding, but I was so busy planning the wedding that I wasn't aware of my emotional health.
So, fast-forward to now being stable on my meds and dumb no-sex before marriage phase, I still haven't been able to get back into the swing of things. We still have sex often, but I don't feel turned on like I did before we married. I know that a large part could be my meds (I'm on Zoloft) and that really affects my sex drive. But I want to feel like I want to get my freak on again! It's sooooo frustrating because I was like a sex-crazed lunatic before this, and I want that back! Now, I can barely stand having my boobs touched (it just feels like 'too much') and before I just could not get enough of it. Every now and then, I'll have a night that I am really into it, but not like before. Also, when I am 'into it' I can O every time. But when I'm not, I'm don't even put the effort into getting an O. I think another thing may be that my DH takes a long time to have sex.....like, its 45 minutes every time. And I can O in about the first 10.
I just want to get out of this rut, because my DH is awesome, he LOVES foreplay, he's great in the sack, and I feel terrible that I've barely given him head since we've gotten married. I used to love doing it!
We've had open communication about it, but i just don't know how to get over this "weird" feeling. Has this happened to anyone else?!
Re: weird about sex since getting married...wtf?!
I agree with the PP, you should talk to your doctor about the medication they put you on and see if there are other options that won't effect your sex drive as much.
The no sex right before you get married probably wasn't the best option for you either, it's never awesome changing the dynamics of the relationship up so much right before you decide to commit your lives to each other, that would probably freak me out too and cause a bit of confusion.
I never really understood the whole...let's have sex for a few years on a daily basis and then stop for a couple months before the wedding 'cause after all we're religious. So apparently God wasn't watching the beginning of your dating relationship?
I'd suggest you go to the doctor about your sex drive and see if you can get a different medication. I have no idea what effect it can have on your libido, but it's worth checking out.
I'd suggest even more strongly that you get counseling. The sex break was stupid. I'm wondering if there are psychological issues at play here. For example, for those months, sex was taboo as being dirty, sinful, against your religion, etc. So I think it makes sense that a piece of paper and a big party wouldn't all of a sudden clear the way for it to be something good and pure and virtuous. Does that make sense?
Plus, I'm wondering how much of this is you subconsciously sabotaging the sex because of resentment for your DH. It sounds like you feel like he almost has earned this response from you because he kept turning you down and making you feel dirty. So that's what he gets, right?
THERAPY, my friend.
It sounds like you reconnected with the religious indoctrination that told you sex is sinful, and you haven't been able to shake it. IMO you are going down the wrong road if you attempt to fix this chemically. You need to see a therapist.
This
You need to see your doctor about the side effects to the zoloft and then you should see a counselor about your resentment of the "no sex until we're wed" edict from your FI/H.
How does your H feel about all of this? Does he know?
I understand where a lot of you are coming from, but I suppose there is a lot more to the 'religious thing' than I mentioned. And I can understand where a lot of you would think it was stupid.
As for resenting my DH...absolutely not! He is an amazing man, treats me with respect, compassion, and has always always been great with communicating with me in all areas, especially with sex. He has never had the attitude of 'now I deserve this.'
As we got more serious about getting married, and knowing how important the religion he was brought up with was to him, I decided to take classes to better understand it. I realized that so much I loved and respected about him had to do with how he was brought up, and I wanted to be a part of that. I chose to join the church, and we realized if we wanted to truly follow our beliefs, we had to do it in action, not in just in thought. Unfortunately, as with many things, it is easier said than done!
Also, I have other friends in relationships became Cathlolic, and decided to be abstinent after years of being sexually active with their partners until their marriage. For them, it has not always been easy but people do make changes in their life. Just because my husband and I decided to follow a religion and do our best to live our lives by its teaching does not mean that I need therapy or that all of a sudden we thought sex was dirty.
As far as 'god not watching during the beginning of our relationship,' at the beginning, we didn't care, because we were not religious. It is true that I was hurt by the rejection, but I also hurt him because I was tempting him when we both had agreed upon remaining abstinent. I had a much harder time controlling my urges. He has a will of steel, and I have terrible self control!
Bel, your comment on antidepressants totally sums up how I'm feeling. I WANT sex, and we flirt and are still touchy-feely, but my body just does not seem to respond.' It's like my mind just can't let go and enjoy. I made an appointment with my doc so I we can discuss my meds and this annoying sexual side effect. Another thing that probably points to it being mostly the medications, is when I take a 'holiday' from my meds, I get horny like crazy. But then it throws me out of wack for a few days after my missed dose. Thankfully, I was able to get an appointment this week! We'll see what the doc says.
Ditto. I can't even get past this part to give a valid response to the rest of the post.
BFP #1: 6.26.12 EDD: 2.11.13 missed m/c: 7.31.12 @ 12 weeks
BFP #2: 10.1.12 EDD: 6.11.12
<a href="http://s205.photobucket.com/albums/bb264/chaleybeth06/?action=view
I never understand this...
I really find it quite rude how everyone is attacking you for not having sex a few months right before your wedding.
My Husband and I did the same thing right before we got married, and it was more of a "get centered" thing...and even after our wedding, we really weren't "feeling" it. We were so tired from getting back into the swing of things, with work and whatnot that we still didn't sleep together for a week after our wedding. When we did, it was amazing though.
We talked it out, and realized that we got so comfortable just saying kissing eachother goodnight and going to bed, that we kind of got out of the groove of being sexually attracted to eachother.
As for the medication, I would speak to your doctor about it before you take yourself off of it, or try another medication. You may be over-medicating. Or there may be another underlying issue.
Regardless, stay strong, and don't let these mean posters get you down. its your relationship, and you and your husband know what is best for each other.
Ok. Forgive me but I didnt read 100% of what other posters said but I wanted to give you my experience. Im sure I will get flamed but from what I understand internet flames are easy exstingushed.
I knew my (now) DH for over 3 years before we got together. Once we decided to be a couple, we pretty much had sex from the beginning. After 11 months, we were married. During those 11 months I still felt the guilt of being raised religious and realizing that what I was doing was technically sin.
I remember our wedding night. I remember thinking "this is my H and this is what I am SUPPOSED to be doing with him". Not only for his pleasure but for mine. My guilt was gone and although we never obstained (except for the few days I was stressed with wedding planning) it almost felt different.
I am a lurker but I have to comment. Like someone mentioned...I am not understanding completely why she is being bashed on abstaining. It does work. Me and my H did the same thing. Not becauswe of religious reasons. Our thought was that if we had waited to have sex before the wedding that on the wedding night it would be amazing.
It helped us to become closer than ever to each other before the wedding. We are very close as it is and without the sex our bond grew. We were forced to be intimate in other ways. Cuddling etc.
Our situation turned out different, it was the anticipation of sex on our wedding night that turned up the heat. I think it helped us more by waiting. Obviously with your situation it didnt turn oout the same way.
I think the communication wit your H needs help. He may be a great, amazing man who loves you and cares for you. But, he needs to understand what is going on with you. I would first talk to H and then I would talk to your DR. If you are having thoughts like this that are impeding your sex life, its only going to get worse. I am sad you let it go on for 10 months.
I lurk on this board a bit, but rarely have much to add to the conversation. However, I wanted to throw in my $.02 on this thread.
OP, I think your issue is 80% related to zoloft.
It seems to me that the remaining 20% has to do NOT with the decision to abstain for a while before the wedding itself, but because of not exactly being on the same page about the whole "abstaining" thing.
Let me see if I've got it right: You felt conflicted over whether to abstain. Part of you was enthusiastic about converting to his religion, and you wanted to do the "right" thing. But part of you felt what many of the replies have indicated, that abstaining for 3 months after having sex for 3 years is -- in some ways -- an arbitrary, meaningless sacrifice. You clearly saw no problem with occasionally breaking your decision to abstain, and tried to put the moves on your FI. You probably thought your FI would feel the same way you did, that an occasional "slip" if your hearts were in the right place was no biggie. When he actually did reject your offers, not only did you feel rejected, you felt a little guilty, weak, and ashamed of yourself for not being "strong" enough to stick with the abstinence plan.
This disconnect is not insignificant, and you probably still feel some conflict about the way things played out. Your feelings were hurt, and it's just hard to get happy about a person who contributed to making you feel guilty, weak, and ashamed, if my guess above is correct. Then, on top of it all, you're dealing with zoloft side effects, which is probably most of what's going on.
Hang in there. This isn't the last time you'll go through a disconnect when it comes to sex. (I've been married for close to 14 years, so I feel I can speak with some authority about this!) Staying flexible and keeping lines of communication open about it makes these inevitable wrinkles in a married person's sex life much easier to deal with. You'll be back where you want to be before too long.
I have to question the posters who are giving you a hard time (some being quite rude) about your pre-wedding decision. That is a tough situation and you and your husband deserve some credit for making that decision and seeing it through. My pastor gave my husband and I a hard time about living together before marriage, but we were ok with it. We stopped making love the week before the wedding to amp up the wedding night.
I was in a long term relationship with a guy who was very religious. He did not believe in sex before marriage and, at that point in my life, neither did I. Early in the relationship he started getting increasingly physical and when I would say no he would persist. I started giving in, thinking it was what he wanted. It was the first serious relationship I had been in so I didn't make the smartest moves. After we would have sex he would feel guilty and start blaming me. Then I would feel aweful. It was an aweful cycle and I hated sex for the duration of the relationship. It was painful and felt like a chore. Thankfully I had the sense to finally end the relationship, moved on and eventually found my husband. I was worried about what sex would be like with him because of my past experiences. Thankfully, I didn't have to worry
Attitude can have a huge impact on your enjoyment. I don't doubt that you love your husband completely, but without being aware of it, you may be holding some sort of resentment in the back of your mind. You need to talk to him about how you feel. Lay it all on the table, repressing it only makes it worse.
I definitely think your medication has a part in this too. I've never taken anti depressants, but I do take lots of medications and anti biotics. They can have a big impact on my desire/enjoyment. Talk to you doctor ASAP. Hang in there and good luck.