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Husband has no sex drive?!?!?!
My DH and I have been married for almost 3 months and since we've been back from our honeymoon, I can't get him excited about love making. Most of the time I try to initiate something, I am rejected. He chooses sleep, TV, computer over time in the bedroom.
He says he's happy, and that nothing is wrong. He usually works late, and he wants to "wind down" when he gets home. I have to be at work at 8am, so I can't wait forever for him to wind down.
He complains because his friends don't invite him to do things anymore, but how is this my fault? I never told him he couldn't have his man time. He also complains because I "don't let" him watch TV or play his games. If I am at work at 8am, what is he doing from then until he goes to work at 2pm? I think he has plenty of time to "be a man".
We have open communication, and he always says he'll try harder to be more romantic with me. I told him last night that I am just as willing to have sex with him as ever, but I can't handle the rejection any more. If he wants it, he has to come get it. I feel like I've given up, and that we may never have sex again.
I am sorry this is so long, and I feel like I could write about 5 times more to get the point across.
HELP!!!
Re: Husband has no sex drive?!?!?!
Well, I thought that is what we are here for.
I have been married for over a year and when we first got home there was barely any sex. there was once where we went a whole month and a half not having any sex. Sometimes when men have things on their mind they seem to have that libido go out the window. When you two have a moment, just talk to him. Let him get out all that is frustrating him. Do not. . . I repeat. . . DO NOT talk behind his back to his friends, co workers, boss, family, etc about your problems just yet. He will feel like he can not trust you.
What was your sex like before the wedding? Do you have sex on the weekends, when there's no need to "wind down"?
I think it's silly he feels like he doesn't have enough alone time if he doesn't work until 2PM. I think you two need to discuss his time management and how it is burning out the relationship. He should go to bed earlier; like around the time you do, and get up at a decent time to have lesiure time/exercise time so when he gets home from work he doesn't feel so worn out.
This also brings up the question of what your time spent together was like before you got married. Did he make time for you then but now he is no longer bothering to since you're married?
he's only 'allowed' to watch what he wants or play his video games when you're at work? 8-2 would not be a time I'd want to do that if I was him either, why can't he watch something when you're there sometimes?
Is he only allowed friends over at that time too? Do you usually not want to go out when his friends ask him to do something? when was the last time you went out with him and his buddies??
I find this the bigger problem..you sound like you're a bit controlling.
We lived 2 hours apart before the wedding, and we tried to abstain from sex, but this just made him more horny. He use to send me dirty texts about how he pictured me naked all the time and all the things he wanted to do to me.
There were times when we were having sex every weekend, several times a day. And there were times when we would go a month without, but it was VERY hard for both of us to abstain, and we usually didn't last more than 2 weeks.
Right now we have sex about once a week. Usually on the weekend, but I ALWAYS have to initiate it. I am tired of HAVING to give him oral before he's ready! I want him to put forth some effort.
He's a great husband other than this. He helps with chores, takes care of the yard and the pets. He is a great listener, and I have talked to him about this. We always come up with solutions, but he doesn't follow through. He's stuck in his ways, and I am tired of it. He feels like it's not that big of a deal because he does everything else right.
We watch TV together almost every evening because he would rather do that than go to bed. So, no he's not only "allowed" to watch TV while I am at work. But I know that he does watch TV & play games during those hours, so why does he feel like it's not enough?
And his best friend stayed at our house ALL weekend and I did not complain at all. I made them both breakfast Saturday morning and let them "hang".
The problem is that his friends don't invite us or him to do anything. We invite friends over atleast once a week for dinner or games when he isn't working late.
I am controlling on some things, I'll admit, and that is something I have been trying to be better at.
We watch TV together almost every evening because he would rather do that than go to bed. So, no he's not only "allowed" to watch TV while I am at work. But I know that he does watch TV & play games during those hours, so why does he feel like it's not enough?
It sounds like he might be a little depressed? Maybe just going through the growing pains of sharing a home/time with you?
The problem is that his friends don't invite us or him to do anything. We invite friends over atleast once a week for dinner or games when he isn't working late.
If this started after the wedding it sounds pretty normal... lots of friends will think things are different or need to give you space in the early days. I think with a little time they'll learn that that's not case if you're always reaching out to them.
Right now we have sex about once a week. Usually on the weekend, but I ALWAYS have to initiate it. I am tired of HAVING to give him oral before he's ready! I want him to put forth some effort.
Does he give you oral as well or is it you give him oral and then it's sex? I undertand his need for foreplay, my H doesn't just turn on like a light switch all the time, sometimes it takes some foreplay (they have to get in the mood sometimes too!). If he's not returning the favour though I'd speak up, let him know that you'd love it if he'd go down on you more often (or if he's never done it tell him that you'd love if he tried), let him know what you like or what you'd like him to do.
It sounds like you're really new at the sex thing, your 21 married for 3 months and the only sex before the marriage was kinda 'tabo' so it was probably a little different than regular married sex. It might take him awhile to get used to that too, but let him know, talk to him about it, don't blame him or bash him but let him know what you're feeling and what you need.
Maybe suggest a date night once a week or twice a week where you make sure you spend quality time together, watch a movie, have dinner, play a game whatever just do something together and you can have it with the idea too that this will be a good time for sex, if it doesn't happen that's fine, but it gives you a night when both of you are relaxed, happy and have the opportunity. (if you suggest a date night though, make sure your expectations are all clear to him before hand!) .....we have a date night every friday and honestly it's awesome, it doesn't always end up with sex but it usually does and if it doesn't we'll suggest to the other person "sexy time tomorrow" and that just makes it easier the next day to both expect it and make it happen.
Is he masturbating while you are gone in the morning?
And here is another example of it being a bad idea to live apart and then get married without living together for an extended period of time. You would have been able to figure out this pattern before tying the knot.
Love is an action verb. All the pretty words and "listening" isn't going to change the situation.
I do not regret this decision to not live together at all. Our story, relationship, and marriage is unique to any other, and I am proud of the way we chose to live.
To everyone else. Thank you for all the advice and suggestions! My hubby and I will have to have a sit down and figure out what is best for both of us. If anything, I think I just needed some other women to talk to! Thanks again!
This. We got married at the end of May and got back to "real" life in the middle of June. We have had almost the exact same problem- husband is more of a night owl and he wants to "zone out" when he gets home from work by sitting in front of the computer. I get frustrated bc he gets home at 9pm and then wants to *** around for 2-3 hours on his computer; by that time, my mood to have sex is gone and I'm annoyed and doing something by myself, and probably nearly ready for bed time. He also has the same issue with friends, except a little bit different- he moved to this city to be with me, and neither of us are from here- I'm here for graduate school. So he doesn't really have friends here to begin with, just a few people he has met at work.
I have talked to him about this quite a bit because it upsets me when I feel rejected every time I come onto him when he gets home. He is depressed being here; he's the only one working right now since I have not been able to find a job since returning for the second half of summer and school starts again in a month. He hates his job and when he comes home, he hates when I ask about it because then he just has to think about that stupid place longer. The combination of being broke all the time, having no friends/social interaction, and working a job he hates has him depressed and this reflects itself in our relationship. For awhile I was feeling depressed too, trapped in our house with nothing to do and feeling guilty for not bringing in any income at the moment (coincidentally, I changed to a new birth control and seem to be feeling substantially better now). The husband also informed me that morning is better for him sexwise...while this is still frustrating that our schedules can't seem to sync up, you do what you can you know?
I've realized that a big part of this is that I'm not working or in school, so by the time he gets home I've been alone all day and I'm bored out of my mind or lonely and would like to spend time with him. So some days, he zones out, and other days, we watch a show or play a board game together. One thing he hates is when I want him to spend time with me but don't have a suggestion for something specific to do and want him to think of something, so come up with a few ideas. I was also feeling taken for granted because even though I'm not working right now, I'm the one who keeps the house clean and has dealt with all the post-wedding wrap up not to mention all the extreme hassle of changing my name to take his and paying the bills etc. I take comfort in the fact that this is temporary while our schedules are so different and there are a lot of stresses going on, and at least we communicate about the stuff that's going on.
I totally understand. I never thought that sex would be our number one cause of tension after marriage, but it is. Our sex drives seem out of sync. I want sex every day, or at least every 2 days. My husband would be happy with once a week or less, I think. (I'm too impatient to wait him out! But hate forcing sex...)
I've had to have the awkward discussion about how important sex is to me 3x since we married 2 months ago. Each time he clams up, tells me he loves me and that's the end of the conversation. I have tried to initiate, but he changes the subject, puts his clothes back on, consciously or unconsciously rejecting me. He tells me "I can be persuaded," but the reality is that he can't. And what woman wants to have to persuade her husband to have sex with her? When we were dating, we were abstaining from intercourse but our experimentation was wild and exciting. When I think about sex now, I start to cry. I feel so desolate. He's an amazing man who cares for me and shows me love in so many ways, but what I need most from him he seems reluctant to give and can't understand why it is important to me. I'm totally sidelined by this and don't know what to do.
I know I am the one who started all this, but I can tell you that things are better today. Be patient and try to calmly explain to him that he is hurting you. I don't know if you are a Christian, but if ya'll are 1 Corin 7:2 says .... "Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you BOTH agree to it, and it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting- BUT ONLY FOR SUCH TIMES."
I read that to my husband last night. And told him that I wanted to rip his clothes off, suck his *** and hump the jiz out of him. Then say, "see, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Apparently that turned him on. He made love to me like he hasn't since our wedding night. He kissed me the whole time, told me I was beautiful and everything he could ever want.
It's just a start, but we're on the right track!
Girl, I've been married for four months, and a month ago, I could have written this post. Every single thing you've said, I experienced too.
The only thing i can tell you is that you're not unsexy and your marriage isn't over. The first 3 months of my marriage I was in despair bc i wanted to have sex all the time and be frisky and he hardly ever took the bait. His interest was in his newest video game, and going to his friends' houses until 4am.
I felt like i had done something terrible to turn him off or that he had tricked me with his pre-marriage behavior.
But that's not true-- I had NO idea this was common until i was talking to my aesthetician and we got on the subject of men and she described her first year of marriage as the hardest, and she said she never cried more than that year (and for the same exact reasons as me). It sounds silly, but i was so relieved to know that i wasn't struggling with some embarrassing weird marriage problem. It seems weird that just knowing that made it all better, but it did.
and p.s.-- she said it gets better.