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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
advice from all you former BM's
So, I posted a while ago about paying $260 for a BM dress and is that too much. Now, the MOH for this same wedding has emailed all of us saying that we are to send money to another BM to help pay for a shower. There are several of us not going to this shower (I actually haven't heard any plans, seen an invite, etc for this shower). I talked with them & we all decided we'd instead like to put our $/contributions towards a bach party that we could attend. We emailed this back to the MOH. MOH basically repsonded, thanks for the offer, but no need. Just send your $ here.
How would you respond?
Re: advice from all you former BM's
Hmmm...I could be reading the response wrong but I guess I'd write back and clarify that this means if I sent $ for the shower that I wouldn't have to contribute to the bach party?
If the MOH is the host for the shower, she can partner w/ non BMs to fund/co-host the party. For my shower, only 2 of my 4 BMs were able to attend and it was actually my aunt that hosted. So, none of my BMs ended up contributing and I never would have expected the OOT ones to contribute if they couldn't come. Net, I don't think you and other OOT BMs are asking too much to be excluding from financially contributing towards the shower.
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Wow. If she is hosting the shower then she should pay for it, IMO. Your duty as a BM is to stand with, support, and be there for your friend on her wedding day. Nothing else is required or expected of you. Yeah, if you are able to help and/or finance events then so be it, but it shouldn't be expected. Did she even ask if you could or were able to send money? Or, did she just say that you need to send money to BM? And, for an event that you can't even attend? That would really irritate me.
Sorry you are having to deal with this.
I agree completely. The cost of the shower falls to whomever is hosting. No one is entitled to pick your pocket simply because you are a bridesmaid.
Frankly - I was a little late to the dress thread. $260 out of your pocket is an unbecoming request to begin with, adding to that is just rubbing salt in it. You need to nip this in the bud unless you're prepared to go in the hole to the tune of at least $800-900 when it's said and done (gifts, travel, little odds & ends contributions or errands, your dress, limo at the bach party...)
I would tell her that you aren't comfortable with the change of plans regarding your contributions and ask her to clarify about her statement to not worry about the bachte party. Have the plans you agreed to support been changed for that event? Is someone hosting that instead of all of you contributing? Don't let her push you off with a 'we'll deal with that later' unless you're prepared to fork it over for both.
Man, I'm glad i posted! I was sick to my stomach thinking I was just being difficult. I really am put off by this and am glad to hear that I am not alone in feeling like that. Another email was sent to the 3 of us saying that we are more than welcome to still chip in for dinner, drinks, etc for the bach party for the bride to be, but that we are also being included in the $30 for the shower...that it's our responsibility being a bridesmaid. Talk about guilt!
It's just plain tacky. and, I'm not even a stickler on etiquette. And, the kicker, this same group of girls were BMs in my wedding and some contributed to my shower, some did not (which is/was fine and not expected) and the ones that did not are the same 2 asking me for money now. Grrr!
I can't decide if I should stick to my guns or just send the dang $$ since clearly they need my money more than me
Is the MOH someone you are friends with? If so do you want to continue a friendship? That would determine the tone of my response.
I would email the MOH back, something like "I didn't voulenteer money/help/items for this shower [unless you did, but then you should communicate with the host, not the MOH], please do not dictate what I should do." And that would probably be my "nice" response!
I remember the BM dress post, but that was when the Nest was locking everyone out. That price isn't awful if it's an attractive or flattering dress or if you get to choose your dress. IMO, I'd rather spend $260 on something that doesn't make me want to puke than $150+ on something ugly from David's Bridal (and I've never spent just $150 at DB!). However, any dress is too expensive if you feel like you're being used by the bride or others. I had one wedding where the bride's behavior pretty much ruined our friendship & another that was the begining of the end of our relationship.
Oh, gee, how nice that you are more than welcome to still chip in for the bachelorette party! That's so kind of her/them to allow you to do that! ::note the sarcasm::
I would offer to contribute for one or the other, but not both. Although I know how bachelorette parties go...the bill(s) are evenly split between all guests, at least that has been my experience.
And, just so I'm clear, she wants you to chip in for the shower itself, not a gift for the shower, right?
This.
I've never known anyone hosting a shower to ask anyone else to help pay for it.
And... I think your bach party idea is great.
Call me crazy but I hate Bachelorette parties and think they need to go the way of dinosaurs.
Anyway, this MOH is out of her mind. She needs to firmly but politely be told that you are under no obligation to pay for a shower and that she has no authority over your wallet. It is not for her to determine how you spend your money.
DONT HESITATE to stand up. I am out almost 1500 for a wedding in a few weeks because I didnt and its killing me. Our clothes were 250, she split up who was "hosting" the showers and I got stuck with a $250 bill, airfare 500+, hotel 575 (4 days in a small area), rental car and other fun expenses. Its very irritating that people expect that but unfortunately, most are brazen enough to ask.
I know I'm really late to the show on this one, but seriously, what is this MOH thinking? I've never heard of this in my life. I have heard of BM's offering assistance...cook food, help with decorating, etc. If the BM is co-hosting the shower, then, yes, she'd be expected to pitch in money. Otherwise, no.
Completely different note: $260 for a BM dress is outrageous. I know people pay this and more every day for BM dresses, but that doesn't make it right. I was very conscious of how much I was asking my BM to pay for their dress. Seriously, it's 1 day and they are not the "star" of the show. Asking someone to pay almost $300 for a dress, is to me, rude.
I'm late to the party too, but I have to say that MOH is out of line in asking you to chip in to pay for the shower (if it were a group shower gift then it might be different). Your job is to stand up next to the bride, make her look good, and support her on her wedding day--not finance some outlandish celebration that you aren't even attending.
$260 is a little much for a BM dress, the most I've ever paid was $186.
If this were a friend of mine, I would reconsider continuing the relationship.
p.s Christine, I want to make that coffee cake and eat it right now!
I too am late, but I have a different perspective, and so this response is long. In my circle of friends, paying $300 for a bridesmaid dress / $100 toward a shower / $500 toward the bachelorette party, (assuming it is in town, and more if it is OOT) / alterations, gifts, matching purse, matching shoes, professional hair, professional makeup, travel to and from the wedding, and a boutique hotel or chain hotel for the wedding night is not unusual. I am not saying that such expenditures are right, just that to certain people they might not be unusual, whereas to others they might be unusual. When we were younger and had very limited funds, (I was in school working a graduate assistantship, and my husband was landscaping), and had several weddings throughout the year, the majority of those expenses went on our credit cards. Again, I'm not saying that is right, only that such was our situation, and that was the choice we made. If I wasn't willing or able to pay the expenses that accompanied being in the wedding, I wouldn't have accepted being in the wedding. Your situation seems to be different in that you didn't expect the expenses, and you might not be invited to the shower. So, from my experience, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't see the money aspect as that unusual, but I would see the fact that I wasn't to be invited to the shower for which I was being asked to contribute as highly unusual. (You are saying that you aren't going to be invited to the shower, correct?)
I suppose my rambling is intended to lead to the point that this doesn't necessarily sound to me like villanous behavior, just different perspectives, and if I had to respond, I would give the bride and the maid of honor the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are making these requests because this is common to them and that they aren't aware that they are uncommon to you. In which case, my response would be something along the lines of, "Hello, [Maid of Honor]! Unfortunately, I am not accustomed to the practice of the bridesmaids assisting in paying for the bridal shower, or I would have budgted accordingly, or I would have told you in advance that I would not be able to help pay. When I accepted the offer to serve as an attendant in the wedding, which I am very excited to do, I budgeted only for the dress, the bachelorette party, and the wedding gift, because in my past experiences, those are the things that I been asked to contribute. I am unable to incur debt at this time. As you know, I love the bride, and I want to make her wedding event a special event, so I would be more than happy to help in any other way that I can help. Can I cook food for the shower? Can I help decorate for the shower? Can I help plan the bachelorette party? Thank you for your understanding, and I can't wait to have fun with everyone at the bachelorette party and at the wedding! Sincerely, [You]"
I usually only lurk, so I am sad to post with a differing response, but I wanted to let you know that at least the dress situation isn't entirely unheard of and to add some balance to some of the above responses. Also, I fully realize that the bride and the maid of honor might be asking something that is unusual to them, (princess bride or princess maid of honor), but I think that skimming over that point and just graciously stating you can't and won't be paying is the thing to do. If you're going to be in the wedding, then you can set boundaries and enjoy the day, even if the MOH is a PITA
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