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jealous of wonderful MILs LONG!
I am so very very jealous of all of you ladies who have wonderful, loving, caring, thoughtful and laid back mother in laws. Mine wouldn't fall under any of those descriptives. Some days, I wonder if she's at all aware that DH and I are a team and by making the editorial comments she does, she's undermining our relationship because she essentially forces him to choose between us.
I am seriously considering going out and buying the book "toxic inlaws" or suggesting couples therapy - not because there is anything wrong with our day to day relationshp per se but perhaps to help DH see that the "stuck in the middle" feeling he's got is really the result of him not standing up for me and our decisions we make as a team. I feel horrible that DH feels that way but really is entirely a situation of his own making. The more MIL meddles, the more resolute and stubborn I get about sticking to our decision. I'm much more compromising than she may think but because she sticks her nose in and tries to tell DH how he should be living his life rather than letting us decide how we're going to approach things, I'm that much more uninterested in her suggestions. DH thinks he's being "diplomatic" but it basically gives both me and MIL the finger! He's giving her hope that she can continue to orchestrate his existence and he's not standing behind us either.
All could be solved by him saying to his mom, "Mom, this is what we've decided to do. Your feedback and thoughts are important to both of us when we ask for them, but you need to respect the decisions we make as a couple. Challenging those decisions isn't very respectful of wittyschaffy or me and we'd like it very much if you could find a way to put some trust in us and our ability to make decisions about our new life together."
Example? DH has gotten his hair cut in his home town since he was old enough to have hair. The same lady has been doing it. I get that, I have a hair stylist I've gone to for forever too. His doesn't take appointments an her schedule changes from week to week. The shop is 20+ miles away from where we live. MIL gets her hair cut by the same person. DH literally drove out there 4 times one week to try to get his hair cut and couldn't get in each time so I suggested that since it was such a long drive and he couldn't guarantee he'd be able to get it done, perhaps the time was right to find somewhere closer to home so it wasn't such a time drain. We were out to eat with ILs and MIL was picking at DH because the hairstylist mentioned she hadn't seen him in a while. He told her that he was trying to find a barber closer to home because he can't keep driving 40 miles round trip to maybe get a haircut depending on how busy things are and if his lady is even there. She was seriously mad at him that he is going somewhere new. Now DH feels guilty that he's not going to the same shop and his mom is disappointed and I feel bad for being the catalyst that made him feel bad even though it is totally reasonable to suggest it! GAH!
I'm trying very hard to deal with the fact that I can't and wouldn't dream of trying to change her and that the only thing that can change is me and how I react to her. She's been director of his universe for so long and I can imagine how difficult the transition is, but for heaven's sake lady, give me a break!
Gosh - that was therapeutic just to get it out! *phew!*
Re: jealous of wonderful MILs LONG!
I felt like I was reading my own situation w/ my MIL. That was just great. I felt relief for you and myself after that. How awesome.
I deal with this, too. I think a few months ago I decided that I'm not going out of my way to talk to MIL. I'm not going to play into her bs and unnecessary comments about how we should do this or that or why we aren't doing this or that. It resulted in rarely hearing from her. She used to email me fairly frequently, now I hear from her maybe 1-2 times every few months. I will stay civil to her, but I'm learning to grow a back bone and just stand up to her. My H (thankfully) knows she is a royal pain and doesn't have a prob telling her to mind her own business, otherwise it would be a LOT more chanllening.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I get how you feel. I know its hard b/c your H feels bad when he goes against her thinking, but if he does it in little steps, it will become more and more easy. Come to think of it, I struggle w/ that part w/ my own mother but am learning to step away. I wish you luck. I too wish I could have an awesome MIL but I'm also realistic at this point to know it just isn't going to happen and I'm cool w/ that.
I had to add that the longer we're married, the more I realize that my MIL just cannot let H go. He even says all the time that she is creepy clingy to him. She literally hangs on him like they are teenagers in love. I've said something before b/c its weird and that's when H said it drives him nuts. He just tries to shrug her away and she doesn't take a hint. She acts like he is their other son and tells him how to live his life, etc. (H's bro is a major messup w/ his life and decisions and has been for years) and acts like he is 16 needing the advice.
I'm still convinced to this day that she is threatened by me b/c I don't give in to the bs.
Your DH needs a big wake-up call. He's married to you now, his life is with you, and he needs to understand that every time he bends to the will of his mother, he is disrespecting his relationship with you. He needs to be able to stand up to her and tell her that because you guys are married and a team, that she can talk all she wants, but final decisions about how you guys run your life is up to you guys. Not her.
It'll be hard for your DH to do this, of course. He's been letting her get away with it for so long, I'm sure your MIL will have an opinion, and won't be quiet about it. But your DH has to be convicted enough to just let her have her tantrum, and move on. He's an adult now, he should start acting like one.
Plus, it's unfair to you because it makes you look like the bad person in the relationship, when what you're asking for is completely reasonable. Even if he has to put down ground rules, ie only calling once a week on Sundays, visits have to be scheduled around when you guys are available (and keeping them to a minimum), and him telling his mother only what she needs to know about your relationship (which, frankly, shouldn't be all that much). He also should tell her that he needs her to be supportive of you guys, and not critical. That he won't listen to her criticism, unless it's constructive or supportive.
I hope your DH can do this, because he's the only one who can.
BFP 1/22/12 | Ectopic pregnancy found 2/14/12 | Methotrexate to complete m/c 2/15/12
I think that my MIL's relationship with HER MIL was somewhat strained. There was apparently some resentment when my FIL left their small town to live in the big city when they got married and that left some hard feelings. Because that side of DH's family is a good distance away (3 hour drive), we don't see them as often so I haven't had a lot of opportunity to see them interact. To be honest, I'm a little scared of DH's Grandma myself - she's got one of those prema-frowny faces that is just intimidating! I don't think that she means to scowl all the time but it throws ya a bit if you're not prepared.
I actually share with my DH stories from Family Matters and Relationships, and it serves as great communication tool.
I totally agree with picks. Your husband needs to man up on this.
Just curious, what was your relationship like with MIL before the wedding?
Things were very much the same while we were planning but had been relatively fine beforehand -probably because DH and I weren't "serious". I was totally careful about making sure that ILs had a chance to have input on our wedding day since DH is an only child and they got one shot at this (we made no promises that we'd go with their thoughts but we promised to at least hear them out). They didn't seem interested which was fine. However, when DH and I made decisions MIL didn't like, she certainly had an opinion then!
I've had some long heart to hearts with my own Mom who has had a tumultuous relationship with my Grandma over the years mostly because my Grandma speaks before she thinks and doesn't realize how hurtful she is 90% of the time. That has helped me tremendously actually because I know that MIL isn't trying to be awful but this is new to hear and she doesn't know how to handle her changing role in her son's life. Much like my Grandma, she isn't thinking through the ramifications of what she's doing/saying and doesn't realize how damaging it is to DH and I. If she had any idea of how it is putting a giant wedge between us on certain things, I have to believe she'd keep her mouth zipped. Unfortunately, DH is the ONLY person who can talk to her. If I do it, I'm the bad guy which will only make things that much worse.
I know this is easier said than done, but you need to realize that there are going to be people throughout your life that really irk you. And issues, caused by other people, will come up that you and DH don't agree with. So for the sake of your marriage, the TWO of you need to find a way to deal with these things. Regardless of the issue with your MIL, I think a bigger issue is that you aren't on the same page. You (i assume) tell DH how you feel, expecting him to handle a similar situation differently the next time, and then he doesn't. So then I'm sure you both get more and more frustrated each time the same issue is brought up.
I would probably recommend seeing a counselor together if you cannot come up with a compromise for yourselves that seems to work.
I totally agree with you. I'm mostly getting frustrated with hearing "you're putting me in the middle" because that is where DH has stuck himself. *sigh* I think sometimes it takes and outsider to guide realizations like that for some people. DH really does think that he's trying to keep the peace but in doing so, makes it that much more difficult.
Yep - I have told him straight out that he's the one who has inserted himself into the middle by not backing our choice up when his mom tries to meddle. He is the one making the her versus me situation in the first place by not telling her that there is no discussion and that WE have made a choice. It is totally his nature to keep the peace and I can totally understand why it is difficult for him to tell her to butt out since it is NOT going to be pretty at first. He's got a kind heart and doesn't want to hurt anyone but by protecting her, he isn't seeing that he's hurting me in the process.
Eventually, if DH is able to tell his mom to butt out, I really believe that everyone's relationships will be more healthy. Ours will be more healthy because I know that he's firmly behind us with no waffling. His will be healthier with his Mom because they will have a more appropriate Mother/Adult child relationship, and MIL and I will be able to be more relaxed when we're together too.
Despite it all, I don't think that she's a spiteful or hateful person, nor do I think that she doesn't like me. I think that she's just acting out of a little internal panic because she is suddenly forced to deal with the realization that she's not first fiddle for him anymore and doesn't know how to act yet. She's reverting back to what she is comfortable with, bossing him around, because it is what is safe and normal for her.
When I was talking with my Mom about this whole thing, I was joking about how I hoped that someday MIL and I would be better friends because I'm going to be the one making long term care decisions for them in their elderly stages so she'd better start being nice!
Only teasing of course. I'm trying really hard to see all sides of this but at some point, somethings gotta give and I really hope that DH can start to see it from the other side! 