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Married 20 days, sex life already over
I hate having sex with my husband. It's a chore.
I lost my virginity in my teens(in my 30s now) and have been with a few other guys. I love sex, I've never had any sexual problems. My husband and I began having sex about 9 months before our wedding so I knew what I was getting myself into...but I love him so much that I thought the bad sex wouldn't matter. Boy was I wrong, it matters. A lot.
Something is wrong with my husband's penis. He's asked me several times what he can do to get me more in the mood for sex, but I don't know how to tell him the problem without hurting his feelings.
He has a penis that retracts, never gets fully hard and is crooked. When limp my husbands penis is under an inch long and looks really odd. I find it a turn off, it retracts back into itself.
When "erect" it has a significant bend and never fully hardens. This makes sex somewhat uncomfortable and it takes him so long to enter me that by the time he does I'm bored and annoyed. The shape and structure also make it impossible to have sex in any position other than missionary.
I've looked up a lot of this on online and found that he has some sort of medical condition that possibly should've been fixed when he was a child. He thinks his penis is perfectly normal, but is frustrated that he can't turn me on and I never want sex.
I don't know what to do and have no idea how to gently tell him the problem. I'm so scared about hurting his feelings or causing embarrassment. But I'm also tired of having bad(or no) sex.
Re: Married 20 days, sex life already over
Ya'll need to sit down and talk about this and then go to a dr together. there are solutions to this (whether it be penile injections to relax the "bend' or viagra, etc).
If this is already an issue, you need to solve it now!!
Get to a doctor, stat. Counseling could probably help in this situation as well.
Why did you marry him knowing that he has this physical issue and you desire something else sexually?
Why was this not discussed before marriage? He eithers needs to see a doctor or you need to get pleasure in another ways. Worst comes to worst, you can still annul.
By your age, I see that you are a grown up (at least chronologically). You have known this man long enough to have been having sex with him for 9 months before the wedding, and knowing how the sex was, you decided to marry him anyway.
And you still can have an honest, albeit uncomfortable, conversation about sex with your husband? How well do you need to know someone before you can have this convo with them?
It's not fair to your H that you won't tell him what your issues are. Do you think he'd try to fix the problems, or shut down? Do you think he's happy with your sex life the way it is now?
And, you do realize that there are more ways to be intimate than having sexual intercourse, right? You may have to experiment to find something that satisfies you both.
Well I married him because I love him with all my heart and getting divorced or whatever is absolutely out of the question!
But thanks for most of the replies. We did pre-marital counseling, but I was too shy when the sex subject came up. We have talked about going back for some other issues. I'm really uncomfortable talking about sex publicly which is why I'm posting here.
I know I need to talk to him and that he needs help. I just don't know how to go about it without hurting him. If he told me I was undesirable because of my boobs or something I'd burst into tears and probably cover my chest forever. A penis is a part of a mans self worth. I'm terrified of making him self conscious or hurting his ego. This is the man I love after all.
Any men on the board with input? How would you respond to your wife pointing out a problem with your penis?
Okay, here's my take on this as a guy.
First off, don't feel badly about bringing up his penis problems. It's true that the potential is there that his feelings will be hurt, however this is a medical problem that needs to be dealt with. I don't think your comparison to a woman's breasts is apt mostly because they're not actually critical to sex like a penis is. You wouldn't be criticizing his looks (although the retracting penis thing is strange), you would be identifying a medical problem that is directly causing sexual dysfunction and creating problems in your relationship.
It's hard to believe that he thinks his penis is perfectly normal, but stranger things have happened I suppose. While curvature of the penis is "normal" sometimes, it's certainly not normal that his penis is never fully hard during an erection. My advice would be to leave out that it's a turn off and be honest about everything else. For example, emphasize that you're worried about health and would like him to see a urologist. Tell him that sex is uncomfortable for you with his condition. I'm sure he'd want to do something about this issue to make sex more comfortable for you.
You know you have to deal with this eventually, so just tackle it head on. The longer you put it off, the harder it's going to hit him because he's going to realize you've been keeping your mouth shut and suffering through sex the whole time. Good luck to you both.
This is a medical problem. Talk to him and he should see a doctor.
You need to deal with this right now. It will just get worse if you don't talk to him.
His feelings might get hurt.... but you 2 move on from it... and go see a doctor.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Thanks again for all your advice.
I guess I already knew what needed to be done and was trying to avoid it in hopes the problem would magically disappear. With all the wedding and moving stress of the past 7 months I just couldn't deal with 1 more problem. Now that the wedding is over and we're settled into our home, I realize I have to face this. It's so hard though. He's the most wonderful man in the world and it hurts me to think that I have to say something that could hurt him.
But you guys are right, I need to deal with this asap. Somehow I'll work up the nerve.
What talk would you rather have with your new husband --
"Honey, your penis does something I think is not natural. Since this could impact our future fertility, I think we should visit a urologist as soon as possible."
or
"Honey, I want a divorce because I am unsatisfied with our sex life. Your penis turns me off."
Of those choices, insisting that he see a doctor is the easiest.
(yes, the line about the fertility is a misdirect, but since he appears to be fairly ignorant about male anatomy, I don't think he will figure it out.)
Another male input;.....
If he has average intelligence, average inquisition, average general knowledge and average intuition then he already really knows that there is a real problem.
Most/many men are very concerned and interested in their penis and require a level of satisfaction and reassurance in it's appearance, size and function and it's virtually certain that he is hiding the answers to these natural questions from himself and from you. Once he sees that you deeply love him but still want this sorted out then he is very likely to be very upset but in full agreement of his need for advice and help. I don't believe that he really "thinks his penis is perfectly normal".....although he may have been desperately telling himself (and you) that it is out of fear. It is likely that he has been very miserable and depressed about this for many years so be pepared for a level of 'breakdown' when he finally faces up to the truth.
As regards your stance when telling him;.....be very loving and deeply kind but also very firm and resolved that you BOTH are going to get proper advice and that you are BOTH going to try to get it sorted out,...be absolutely clear that this is for BOTH of you so that you can eventually be much closer together .....Good Luck!
My husband and I began having sex about 9 months before our wedding so I knew what I was getting myself into...but I love him so much that I thought the bad sex wouldn't matter. Boy was I wrong, it matters. A lot.
Wrong indeed.
How to tell him what turns you on? MASTURBATE. Then show him what feels good.
He needs to see a urologist. The curved penis condition you have described isn't uncommon.
That he's having problems with erections also merits a trip to the urologist. Remember: the penis is the dipstick to a man's health. Erection problems may be indicative of other conditions -- circulatory problem or something cardiac or perhaps he's got a hormone imbalance.
And it isn't normal for a penis to retract upon itself. He needed a doc's opinion eons ago.
He should have seen a physician about this problem long before he met you -- I am pretty certain this problem existed then.
He needs a urologist. His overall health depends on it. GL.
ETA: Why didn't a pediatrician pick up on this? What kind of doctors did your H see during his childhood? Nothing was done about this? Nobody addressed this condition with his parents? Lovely.
First off, this is my first post here. Secondly, I read the previous posts, and as a male who is just trying to be a better husband, I think I might have something to say. I've been married for two years and two months; I've learned that things get complicated easily and communication is the only way to solve anything.
OK, so this guy needs help. What does he have to say about his condition? That's the most important factor, as it's he who will need to man up and deal with it; I believe that he coming to terms with there being a problem would be the first step. Feelings may be hurt, and it may take more than one try, but before you two can get help, you need to both be on board with the fact that you need help in the first place. Look at therapy, but also look at books; I think that when we're young, we're much more immature than we think we are. We have legal rights, we get married, and when problems come up, we don't have answers; young people, and I mean folks like myself, under 30 (no offense to 30+ readers: my wife and I are already anticipating that in the next 1-3 years), have a lot of learning to do. This is something I've experienced first hand.
So whether this guy needs medical help or not, the ONLY recourse you have is communication; he's not to blame, and that's the thing to stress. It's a problem, you're married (which is a life-long [hopefully] contract), so deal with it the same way you would deal with a broken leg. Sex is like eating, breathing and sleeping. IMHO, one should deal with sex problems as one would deal with problems in these other, necessary life functions.
I agree. Communication is key. As much as you don't want to hurt his feelings, it's not fair that both of you have to suffer because no one wants to talk about it. If you can't talk about sex with your husband how are you going to do it if and when you have kids?
I know first hand that it hurts to hear your partner say "the sex is not good to me". My husband and I had that talk. It hurt at first, but now I am not sitting around thinking that all is okay when he wasn't happy. We are both working to make things better by providing feedback or non-confrontational coaching along the way. Please please please have this talk before you two come to resent each other. That is not a good way for a marriage to exist.
Another guy here.
Yes, you need to talk to him about it. His penis won't fix itself, and it can't read your mind. There may be things (painful and expensive things, but...) that he can do.
And just FYI, you should expect to hear a certain amount of anger from him. Yes, some of that will probably be due to the fact that you're insulting a very important piece of anatomy, a metaphor for his manhood even, but the other aspect here is that you're a b***.
You knew you didn't like having sex with this man, and you went and married him anyways. Because of that, you never want to have sex with him, and I doubt the sex you do have with him is very good for him (most guys like pleasing their partners, for instance). This has probably frustrated him and made him quite unhappy as well. The fix to this problem could be very expensive and painful (i.e., surgery), and now the guy is in a position where he must choose between that and getting a divorce. And no matter his choice, you've kept him unhappy for quite a while.
All this is to say that you have quite a bit to apologize for, and a heartfelt apology will go a long way toward keeping you together. Good luck.
Aside from the post calling me a b**** this thread has been quite helpful. That and the posts about getting divorced. Dramatic much? I'm not leaving the man of my dreams because of his penis shape! But I do agree, a girl that would do that is a b****.
Thanks to most of the replies I've read them several times, practiced what to say and we had a very good conversation just this morning.
He seemed to be alright with all that had been said, I was the one who was an emotional wreck and started crying. He insists that he is shaped normally and says he's never mentioned it to a doctor. But he did admit to looking up penis shape once online. While hesitant to seek help he did offer suggestions for how to make things more enjoyable for me.
So we're not at 100% but at least the ball is rolling and moving in a positive direction.
Yes, you are correct that he has a medical problem. The severe curvature of the penis is called Peyronie's Disease, and while it's not uncommon in men, it can make sex not only difficult, but painful. His pediatrician may not have noticed it if it is a result of a past trauma (i.e. mean little girls that think it's funny to kick boys in the nads...dangerous!) It's also most likely the pesky little cause of his erections not lasting. And no, it's not normal for a penis to retract, but again, not uncommon. Just like the testicles can retract into the body, so can the penis- this is usually corrected with an outpatient surgery. He can go to his physician, but in most cases they just refer to a urologist, so it would actually be quicker to make a self-referral to a local urologist, who can give a wider span on treatment options.
I hope my input helped, good luck!
Bummer! I?d tell him definitely, there?s a saying that what someone doesn?t know wont hurt them, but on the other hand its hurting your marriage by effecting your sex life. I?ve learned though, never bring a problem without a solution. The problem, weird, unatractive, and sometimes painful penis. The solution: (this is just my opinion) ask him to put a lot of effort into turning you on before taking his briefs off. (then you wont be looking thinking, don?t put that near me!) Then ask him, for the first couple days to help you orgasm by fingering alone?then you get to come but he?s not inside grossing you out or hurting you. You get to be intimate, he gets to please you and believe me?the louder you are, the better it is for him. J Then allow him to come inside, but only after you?re all done. As much as you can offer a blow job or hand job if you?d prefer that to penetration, it?ll take away his need for it and will minimize his need to be inside. Check into more medical options though, I?m sure with all the technology now that there is something that could help or correct this.