Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How to bounce back?
I had my daughter 7 months before we got married and ever since then my now husband feels like I have "lost" myself. Granted I wasn't a real party girl before I had the baby, but I did go out from time to time or have drinks after work with my co-workers. Now, most of the time I stay home by choice. He feels like I do not have a social life outside of him...and our love life went down hill also. As we approach our 1 year anniversary in October I sit back and think did I really lose myself or is it that we are adjusting differently to parenthood and marriage life.
Did any of you get into a rut like this? If so, how did you bounce back?
Re: How to bounce back?
It sounds like your husband is genuinely concerned about you so perhaps you should listen to his concerns. Not all men want to be married to a dumb woman and he may be one of them. Perhaps he needs to come home to someone with an active brain who can carry on an active conversation with original opinions. Even if you are tied to the house with a young child you can still keep your mind and emotions moving and stay well informed about whats happening in the world. This has nothing to do with going out for a drink with co-workers or simple socialisation, and it's NOT about being a "party girl", this is about retaining your personality and even developing it further. Find a new study to get into and make sure you 'skim' the main daily newspapers (pick a 'brainy' one and a popular one so you get both angles) which you can do online so that you can carry an intelligent conversation with your husband..........This will enable you to respond to anyones statement about almost anything with; "I read a piece in the Daily Telegraph recently that said........." etc etc....
.......Have you thought about a new career or online training?
Does everything in your life revolve around your DD? That's what you need to ask yourself. You are a mom, and that can be an all-consuming job, but you are a wife, too, and you may need to concentrate a little more on that side of who you are. Lots of women tend to lose themselves in being nothing but a mom when the LO is little, and it does take some effort to focus your attention elsewhere. (I know this happened to me.)
You might try to have date nights, hire a sitter, go out with your H and spend some time being a wife. It can be hard at first, leaving your LO while you go out, but it will make you a more well-rounded person. Don't become one of those people whose whole existence revolves around your LO!
We do have date nights, but I'll admit they can be more frequent. In terms of activities outside of the house...I used to be more active as an independent business consultant with PartyLite, but that fell off for me during my pregnancy and hasn't really rebounded since. I am actually going to our National Conference this week to get re-energized so I have more of a reason to get out and about to meet new people. I don't know. It's just hard at times to wear all hats and wear them well and that is what I am still getting used to.
And as I am sitting here responding to this post...I think it may also have to due with what we expect of each other. I automatically assume that if he seems me getting bogged down with things that he will jump in and help pick up the slack. That doesn't always happen like that and I then have a million and one things on my plate while he still goes out with the guys on a regular basis because he "doesn't have anything to do". I need to be more vocal in those situations. I am so used to having to do things for myself and now that I have a partner to help its hard to pass things on.
I always think that the most constructive conversations come from emphasizing the positive.
Tonight, over dinner, tell him how much you love him and value your marriage. Ask him to think about 3 positive things he would like to see return to your life -- but don't tell them right away. Ask him to really contemplate his answer and say that you will discuss them tomorrow.
I bet that you came home really charged with your success after throwing a party. That fire can really be attractive and I bet it really got your DH's engines going. Perhaps he will tell you that he really liked how nice you looked when you would get ready for a date night.
By asking for positive things, you can avoid conversations that head toward "I hate that you don't _____ anymore." or "Why don't you fix yourself up more?" Neither of those statements will make any person want to change.
I don't think the OP said that her husband thinks she's boring to be around. Just that he wants to see her acting more like herself.
IMO I don't think it has anything to do with being a "party girl" or even being bored so he wants you to stay busy.
It has everything to do with not losing your own identity in the process of becoming and being a wife and mother. It's important in marriage to have an identity as a couple first, as well as individuals, and as a family. It's when you become so enmeshed in each other and the day to day grind that you "lose" yourself. This is why your husband still goes out with the guys, it's not because he has "nothing else to do" or that he doesn't want to be around or help you. It's because he still needs to have his identity along with that of being a husband and father. You should do the same.
Start small with just taking the time to do something selfish while you're child takes a nap like read a magazine or take a bath. The laundry may need to be done but YOU need to make yourself a priority once in awhile. Then maybe meet up with some of your friends or coworkers you haven't hung out with in awhile for coffee, a drink, or get your nails done. If you start doing something for yourself on a regular basis you'll feel your old self coming back more and more.
The plus side of this is it will relax your husband when he doesn't feel like he HAS to be your everything and he'll be able to see the little things that made him fall for you in the first place. I promise it will make your sex life better as a result:) Good luck.