Sex & Romance
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Just found out DH uses porn
DH gave me his old laptop to use because mine died. I installed Picasa and imported all of our digital pics. Well, the program found a couple dozen pornographic pics from some website. DH reluctantly admitted that he's been doing it since college.
I don't know how to feel. I am angry because he lied about it for the seven years that we've been together. Granted, we only started having sex when we got married 2 years ago. Also, I'm hurt because he wanted to have sex more often and try new things but he never told me. I can't read his mind and if he would have just asked before I would have been up for it.
Has this happened to anyone? How did you handle it emotionally? What did you do?
I don't know how to feel. I am angry because he lied about it for the seven years that we've been together. Granted, we only started having sex when we got married 2 years ago. Also, I'm hurt because he wanted to have sex more often and try new things but he never told me. I can't read his mind and if he would have just asked before I would have been up for it.
Has this happened to anyone? How did you handle it emotionally? What did you do?
Re: Just found out DH uses porn
That's what I want to know.
2011 AthensGAHalf official time: 2:33:31
Ze Blog
I know that this is an uncomfortable conversation for a lot of men to have, but he's probably "used" (he's an addict, lol!) porn a lot more than he's confessed to and that it's quite likely he started "using" before college.
I'm not being snarky, but go ahead and assume that he masturbates regularly too. Now become okay with that.
Actually I didn't jump down his throat, I simply asked for the truth. He told me the truth, and we've started talking about things. He's said he wants to have sex more, especially in the mornings, and that he'd like to try new positions. I'm totally fine with all of it and want to do it. We already have a book of positions, he just didn't seem interested in it when I bought it last year.
It's more the lying and the hiding stuff part that gets me.
If he made me a part of it, that would be great. We watched some on our honeymoon when we were in Mexico.
Also, I'm hurt because he wanted to have sex more often and try new things but he never told me. I can't read his mind and if he would have just asked before I would have been up for it.
That he *GASP!!!* uses porn isn't frightening.
The fact that there is zero communication in your relationship is.
Want to be a spouse or a silent partner? The choice is up to you and up to him.
haha Most guys at some point DO want something else. It's about variety. That's why there's porn, toys, outfits, games, roleplaying, etc. To spice things up. Men (and many women!) like variety! And yes, there's a chance you're not 100% perfect body type like he watches and fantasizes about. But probably neither is he either! Just like in movies where people are all hot and things happen perfectly, porns show super hot chicks and hung dudes all over. It's not reality, and like PP said, maybe if you try enjoying it WITH him or enjoying the point of it (to turn you on!!!), it'll be okay.
Here's the dirty little secret: guys watch porn a lot. They masturbate a lot. They think about sex a ton, several times a day. Believe it or not, the porn industry is not supported by perverts and sex offenders, but rather regular dudes with normal jobs and family lives. It has to be -- just look at how much porn is out there.
And no, they won't tell their women about all of it, because they know you don't watch porn/masturbate/think about sex as much as they do. I always laugh when I read on here about the poor naive wives whose husbands "don't watch porn now that they're married," or who "haven't masturbated since they started dating."
Right. That's right up there with the husbands that don't believe that their wives fart.
There's nothing wrong with your husband watching porn, nor is there anything wrong with the fact that he hides it from you (though it's a bit odd he wasn't comfortable enough to admit that he "used" until you caught him red-handed. Maybe he's a bit insecure with your relationship?). It's good that you two are starting to talk about your sexual appetites more, but he's only going to tell you as much as he thinks you can "handle." He doesn't want you to judge him. So open up yourself. Tell him what you want, what turns you on, etc., and he'll feel comfortable doing the same.
I'm in a similar situation. My husband always swore up and down that he does not like porn or strip clubs. At first I did not believe him and prodded him a little, but he insisted.
The morning he left for his bachelor party, I was still in bed and I woke up to moaning blasting out of the speakers (apparently one of us had the volume turned up the night before). After he left, I looked at the history to see he was visiting pornhub nearly every day. I was hurt not by the porn but by the lying.
He said his friend sends him links to 'funny' porn. I know he's not being truthful because it's every friggin day and, well, I'm no fool...
He promised to stop and it hasn't been in the history since. He may just be covering it up but I don't feel the need to investigate. The funny thing is I wouldn't mind watching it with him, but he has declined on a few occasions.
I don't mean to hijack your thread, but I understand why you are hurt--it's not the porn is the dishonesty! It made me wonder what else he is lying about, kwim?
2 things:
1. He's definitely hiding it better now. Most guys eventually figure out their way around the privacy settings on a browser.
2. Guys hide porn habits because they (correctly, most of the time) assume their women will react negatively if they knew the nature, scope, and quantity of their porn-watching. Again, there are parallels to be made here to women's flatulence.
Why do you think this?
My first thought when I read the title was "Injection? Huffing? Alone or with friends?"
He was embarrassed, so he lied. Maybe it's hard for him to tell you what he wants, I wouldn't be mad at DH, I'd just use it to open up communication about our sex life.
This is sort of what we do even though it's not some hard and fast rule...it may also be used if the other person isn't feeling well or is too stressed out/overwhelmed to really enjoy sexy time. That, or sometimes we watch it together.
I think most women make too big a deal about men watching or having watched porn in the past- if it's not interfering with your sex life (ie, he's not choosing it over you) what's the big deal? If I'm gone or too busy to help out, I can hardly be upset if he proceeds without me.
I totally disagree with PastryPUff. While she's right that you don't need to go crazy and scream, etc.... fear that someone will be really angry with you is never an excuse for lying. In addition, you have every right to be angry and if you want to express your feelings in an adult manner without screaming, you should be able to do so without fear that it will cause him to lie more. You lying about your feelings isn't going to make the situation any better.
I can understand how angry you are that he lied for so long. I would just have a really serious talk with him and let him know you're more angry about him lying than you are about the porn even. Ask him to open up and be honest with you.
Due 12.12.12
I was talking to my best friend about this the other day, and she said the same thing. I'm just embarrassed to watch it with him. And I'm not sure I would be able to do the role playing. I think I would laugh too much and be a kill joy.
This happened to me. I tried to be okay with him looking at porn. I even looked at it with him. But I wasn?t okay with it. We talked about it, and he said he would stop. I found out later that he was still looking at a lot of porn. We talked about it again, and he has since stopped.
Despite what most people say, it is okay to NOT be okay with porn. Just communicate how you feel, and why you feel that way ? and listen to how he feels and why he feels that way. Then come to an agreement and stick to it. But neither of you should agree to anything that will cause resentment later.
It doesn't have to be an issue you solve in one night, so return to the issue if you have to. Make yourself clear without making him feel guilty.