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big fat judgy vent
yesterday i learned just how much debt DH is in from school. i feel horrible for him. (i knew the ball park range, but he gave me a solid number yesterday down the the cent. mine is easily half of his)
i'm not a good enough person to not be p!ssed at ILs for having three children and never once preparing to help them with college expenses. ohh wait... they did give money to his older brother when he decided to go and drop out 3 times!!
seriously, my parents made less money than them but my dad STILL took care of 85% of my undergrad costs (granted i lived at home, so it was purely tuition) because they planned for me to go to college. (full disclosure: we went to a cardinal direction state school so tuition was NOT breaking the bank.)
i generally care so little about the way ILs choose to live, but this is just one thing i feel really strongly about. and i'm extra bitter about it because it's directly effecting his ability to do certain things . it's total BS that DH was on his own while they financially babied BIL (and still do). seriously he's getting married he's barely holding down a 20 hour a week job (he cant do any more and complains about working 3 days in a row) AND THEIR PLAN IS TO LIVE AT ILS HOUSE. like that's the plan. not the back up plan if they cant find work (which is understandable)... but the actual plan. they're still paying his car insurance, cell phone, and EVERYTHING ELSE. and MIL plans to keep doing it, even when they're married! (yet they're so 'poor' they can't buy MIL a car to get to her THREE JOBS- she's the only one in the house with steady income. but she's the one making these decisions!!!! WTF!)
seriously. bil is 27. TWENTY-SEVEN.
REALLY ILs? REALLY?
Re: big fat judgy vent
I feel for you Nobs. Some parents just suck at parenting. They think by doing everything for their kids is going to make them learn to be financially responsible and be independent. Nope, sorry doesn't work that way.
I also lived at home through undergrad and paid for my own college, and graduated with not a single loan. I also bought my own first car cash. Some people just don't ever get that and wait for someone else to always bail them out. It used to bug me so much when my parents didn't treat my sister & I the same, but I am over it now. Your situation with BIL is a different story, though. His parents need to put their foot down.
H has a lot of debt in student loans, which I worry about bc I want to buy a house soon. He tells me it is going to take like 10 yrs to pay them off. I just cringed. I knew how much he had before getting married. His parents couldn't afford to help him much (although he lived at home as well) although only him and his little sister went to college out of the 4 kids. Granted he went to an expensive private school and I went to a state school, but it still amazes me how much debt college causes.
I'd have a hard time not being judgy for that. I would be super judgy for your ILs treating your H like the second kid, but equally judgy of your BIL for refusing to take responsibility for himself. Of course, I can't me more thankful that my parents planned for our college. I got a ton of scholarships, and they took care of the rest, although medical school is a different story- I don't even like to think about how much debt I'll be in by the time I get out. I can't believe his future wife is cool with moving into the IL's house. I guess you can find happiness in knowing that you married the son with goals and the ability to take care of himself. Maybe?
Sorry it still stinks.
I would be most pissed about the fact that BIL is a lousy douche and he is being babied. Its bullshiit.
Families suck, pure and simple. Especially when things aren't done fairly.
I am definitely the type that believes parents should help out and prepare for college expenses for their kids too. I mean my grandparents set aside money for the three of us, so all of our college was paid for. And it was... we all graduated, never dropped out, and yet I am the only one using my degree. My sister graduated with honors from UofM and is too frickin lazy to get a job. And acts holier than thou when she says she wants to "volunteer" oh and favorite is that she wants to be a "philanthropist" yeah she needs fuucking money to do that. Dumbass.
Okay enough with the side track rant.... if people cant afford to help put their kids through college that is one thing, but I do think it is something I believe parents should do. That said, I think for some kids it is better for them to work their way through college and pay back loans, etc. And I understand why some parents do that. But to help out the irresponsible one, and not help out the responsible kid doesn't make an ounce of sense.
You can judge all you want, I would be doing the same thing. H has a lot of college debt too, and he cant pay a dime right now, and it really makes me realize how lucky I am. Even though I did rack up a bunch of CC debt from college, then paid it off, then racked it up again when I bought my house. So in a sense I am kind of paying off college debt. But im probably just trying to make myself feel better lol.
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H and I are definitely going to plan for our kids' college. I worked and earned scholarships to pay for my first year of college on my own. Then I transfered colleges and dropped to part time so I could work too. I asked my dad to help pay my tuition and after a huge fight he did. I was never able to get student loans because my dad is intensely private about how much money he makes and would not help me fill out the forms.
I kept working, but my classes dropped to fewer and fewer until I just stopped signing up for them. After we got married, I told H that I really really want to finish my degree. He sat down with me and helped me fill out the financial aid forms (which I could do because I am now considered an independent student). Luckily, I am still in my school's system so all I had to do was fill out financial aid forms and sign up for fall classes.
I am not looking forward to having debt (I have 0 right now) but I know how valuable a degree is and I am so glad to be finishing school.
That's totally ridiculous about your bil. My dad didn't help me much, but he didn't help my brothers any more.
all in all i live in a state where finances can be really touch and go for sooooo many families because things just shut down from time to time, and unemployment isnt a "what if" it's a "when." so i totally get it when parents cant pay for the college thing when it comes down to it. not everything can go as planned/how you want it.
that said, the fact that BIL gets special treatment burns me the hell up! even the youngest (BIL2) doesn't expect ILs to pay for anything, and he does everything he can to stay independent! two jobs!
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You have every right to upset over this. That is ridiculous!! My ILs helped all three of their children get through school, and they work their butts off to help their kids with their education costs. I didn't get any help from parents either, and will have some debt when I finish school. And I understand that with the way the economy is people are living with their parents til they get back on their feet etc, but at least pay for your own bills. My H and I live live his mom and dad because we're both still in college ( he graduates in two weeks). But we pay for our bills, help with groceries, and pay rent to them. We're hoping that he will get a job soon, because he already has set up a few interviews. Then we can find our own place.
This situation really stinks for you and your H, and I hope you both the best of luck!!
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This was actually the topic of Carolyn Hax's column yesterday. I love her:
http://tinyurl.com/2b895hu
And I'm sorry this has happened to your H -- totally sucks. Hopefully just knowing that he's capable of standing on his own two feet will keep him from feeling bitter about it.
I know how you feel. My brother has messed up countless times with college and although my parents stopped helping with actual tuition after the first year he messed up they still let him live with them for pennies and they would help cover other costs here and there. My college? After the first year they barely helped at all. They had no problem paying for a lot of my wedding though.
What kills me is that they legitimately chose to put money towards a huge wedding for me (a big wedding I didn't want but they guilt tripped me in to) rather than help with school.
I personally don't think parents have to pay for their kids college education but I do think that if you help one kid you have to help the other.
yea and they do help- and reward (they got him a car for UG graduation) but that was AFTER he bought his own first car- while neither of his brothers ever bought their own cars and expected them to be replaced after they totaled them in accidents and/or ruined them by not taking care of the (both true stories. one actually totaled TWO cars.) and still expected their parents to pay insurance (and of course, it was paid for).
granted DH hasn't ever effed up like that, because it's just not his personality, but any "reward" he's gotten for being awesome at life, came as a reward and he wouldn't get it for no good reason... but they "reward" their other kids even when they eff up big time. i just dont get it. at all.
my brother always had some issues with the fact that our parents ended up giving me more opportunities (financially) than my brother, but at the same time i busted my ass 10X harder than he did and my parents saw it as an investment because i proved time and time again that i was committed to XYZ. our parents gave us equal opportunity, and whether or not we took advantage of it was our choice.
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