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is anyone no longer friends with a BM?
sigh. one of my bridesmaids and I have grown apart over the last 2 years. we're in the middle of a huge...discussion, let's say, and I'm not sure if either of us will want to continue this friendship anymore.
there is always just so much drama going on in her life, and I don't feel like either of us can really empathize with how the other is feeling. I have so much going on right now, and as we're getting ready for baby, my priorities are shifting dramatically. It sounds awful, but I don't have time for this. I don't have the time or energy to deal with negative people in my life.
it just makes me really sad that she was once one of the people I thought closest to me - we could talk about anything, and I felt that she would support me. and now, well...i'm always having to worry whether I'm going to upset her or piss her off. sigh.
wwyd?
Re: is anyone no longer friends with a BM?
I'm not sure I can really give any advice, since I'm actually going through something similar with my sister (yes...sister...) right now. She totally doesn't get that even though I still enjoy all the stuff I used to, I'm not the same person I was when I was 18 - that I have a husband and children, etc. Blah.
Anyway - I hope things work out, one way or the other, so that either you guys will reconcile or amicably part ways. I know it sucks. (((hugs)))
I only had one BM and we've been friends since we were 14 (holy crap, that was 23 years ago). We've drifted in and out of each other's daily lives but as we've grown and changed, had kids, gotten married, etc, there are times where we'd talk a lot and times when we'd talk very little. There have been times when we've loved each other to pieces and times when we couldn't stand each other, but it's all been part of the journey. Now when we see each other - we actually got together at the beginning of this month, but prior to that I hadn't seen her since her baby shower last summer - it's like no time has lapsed.
As for drama....I won't tolerate it in my life. At all. I've lost friends over it that I miss, but the drama sucks the life out of you. I COMPLETELY get not having time or energy to deal with it, and you shouldn't. Do not feel bad for making a choice to end the relationship. In the long run, you're better off.
Too many people hang on, drag it out, put up with it, etc and it's so toxic. I am definitely the type of person who decides I'm done and moves on. If you need to do that, don't beat yourself up over it.
My BFF gets super-dramatic at times, but it's just part of her nature. She's an amazing friend who sometimes falls off the deep end, but she always climbs back up. I just ride out the drama until it's over. It's absolutely worth the temporary frustration.
But I did "cut off" two other friends, who would probably have been BMs if I'd been engaged when I knew them. Our situations changed (one got a boyfriend, the other moved in with me) and things just went bad. It got to the point where we weren't getting any fun out of the relationship anymore - just resentment and frustration. It was exhausting every day.
Losing the friendship sucked at the time, but in the long run I was glad we didn't try to keep it going. I still have fond memories of our times together, but I miss who they used to be - not who they are now. Even those memories would've been tainted if our fighting had gone on until we hated each other. I guess some people just aren't meant to be in your life forever.
ETA: You mentioned you weren't sure about talking to her about things because she might have a bad reaction. That might be your answer. I've actually told my BFF "Don't mention this to me again, I love you, but I cannot hear it anymore." and it was okay. If you have that level of understanding, the friendship has a solid base and you'll make it through. If not, and the conversation ends it, maybe that's not so bad.
I love Hawaii!
Tara & Ian . 4/24/2008 . The Kahala Planning . Married
I think this is really good advice. I only had one BM, my sister, and she and I are best friends. However, MH's best man and he are no longer on speaking terms just a year after our wedding. I won't get into details, but basically this "friend" betrayed him in a way that really hurt and angered him, and then tried to hide what he did. But mostly, the guy always used to upset MH with his drama, and I think MH is a lot better off now without him. He has a healthier outlook on a lot of things now that this toxic person's attitude isn't there tainting his perspective.
Mine was my would-have-been MOH. I say would have been because she decided to spend all her money having fun rather than save a little to make it to my wedding. I was paying for her dress, had a place for her to stay, etc but she couldn't spend a few nights at home saving. She complained to me about her money problems, stringing me along until about a month or two before yet she was posting stuff on Facebook about how much fun she was having whitewater rafting, traveling across the country for Broadway plays, etc. This is a person I would wake up in the middle of the night and stay awake until literally an hour or so before work to listen to her relationship drama. I would constantly make time for her, always answer her calls yet I can count on one hand the times she's actually answered when I called and needed to talk. Oh and I bought her bridesmaid dress for our other friend's wedding ($275.00) and after a year of waiting for repayment, I got a check for $25.00 with no note. Later I got a check for $100.00 with a quick note saying she hoped this covered it.
As much as it hurt to lose her in my life, there's no point in continue a one-side friendship. She is a great friend, amazing to be around as long as you live in the same location as her. If not, you're on the bench. She didn't put any effort into our friendship and ultimately really hurt me with not coming to my wedding. I completely understand money problems - which is why I helped her out so much - but blatantly showing all your fun adventures while crying financial distress to me... no thank you.
I have an up and down relationship with one of mine (I had two - they're sisters to each other). It's not drama based reallly... it's based more on her insecurities. She's made some poor career choices and it's really affecting her right now, and she's taking out her frustration and fears on those who she knows won't turn her back on her. Sigh. We've been friends my entire life (she's 4 years older), our parents are best friends, our brothers are best friends. We're two super close families.
Having said that, she's been a rock for me too. So, it's about weathering out the storm for both of us.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
thanks ladies. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this, and you've all brought up a lot of good points. i'm lucky in that she hasn't betrayed me, and it wasn't a one-sided friendship. But i'm thinking it's time to let go. I got another email from her this morning, and things are just getting worse.
lisa - that sucks about your sister
at least i can walk away from this relationship if i choose to. with a sister, not so much. hugs back at ya.
amy, i think that was exactly what I needed to hear - thank you!
I had a friend in hs who decided she wasn't going to put up with my whining and crying about my (no-good) bf any longer, and stopped talking to me. while I was hurt at the time, i realized long ago it was exactly the right thing for her to do - for both our sakes - and oddly, I was glad she had taught me that lesson.
this. exactly. things are escalating - more and more resentment and frustration, not less. it IS exhausting!
tara - i think part of the reason i'm hesitant to break things off is b/c she was *in our wedding*.
sounds totally stupid, but she's in all the bridal party photos! and i don't know - it's like i feel like we *should* continue to be friends for the rest of our lives, or something - if only so i can look at the photos years from now and not be upset or something. glad i'm not the only one, and that life goes on afterwards 
i'm reminding myself that at the time, she was the right person to be there with me, and i shouldn't feel bad about the decision to ask her to be a BM, or my decision now to let the relationship go.
alyson - yes, it's exactly about her insecurities! everything single little tihng can somehow be a statement about her abilities, or lack thereof. someone saying something, or not saying something, can send her into a downward spiral of questioning her self-worth. and it's not even like she's made poor choices. she just isn't comfortable with who she is yet, i think. it's exhausting for everyone around her (or at least, me
) to constantly hear her complaining and self-righteousness, and still try to be sympathetic and understanding, while helping her be more reasonable. so i feel selfish too, but i'm being as patient and as understanding as i can, and i'm getting really sick of having her lash out at me (since I was the unlucky one to send her off the deep end this time).
anyhow, I've drafted an email which basically ends with me choosing to walk away (and preserving the good memories), but I'll sit on it for a few days and see how I feel before I actually send it. so far, there's only been a sense of relief that I don't have to deal with her negativity and drama anymore
thanks again for the support!
(sorry this was so long!)
I'm late to this thread but I'll chime in anyway. I'm sorry that you are having these issues with a friend but know that you are not alone. I was MOH in my EX bff's wedding and she was MOH in mine. We had a HUGE blow out in January and are now out of each others lives. It's sad but I have to say, I'm so happy she's not in my life anymore. She really is a great person but she was so weird when it came to me... so competitive, judgemental... I put off getting pg for six months because she asked me to, she couldn't get pregnant and she didn't want me to get pg before her. Once I was pg, she did pretty well until the end of my pregnancy when she started being a bit crazy. She almost ruined my baby shower and wouldn't leave me alone when I stopped talking to her. It feels so good not having to tip toe around her and her moods & issues anymore and it's opened me up to make several more girl friends, ones that will never be a bff, but never will make me so unhappy like she did.
Yes she's in our wedding photos. And she's in so many meaningful memories from the past 10 years. I don't regret anything except trying to keep the friendship with her when it really needed to be ended a year ago.
If ending the friendship is the right thing for you to do, you might feel very relieved once the smoke finally blows overr.