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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Advice
Hi Ladies,
I touched on this yesterday in the WTF post, but I didn't know if any of you had some advice for me. I love being married, and I love my husband. But I'd lived in the same house my entire life (except for college) and I'm beginning to feel really home sick.I realize I'm an adult and that I can't be at "home" forever, but I think I'm still adjusting. I know it's probably just a passing thing, but I didn't know if you guys had any insight for me. We've been married and have lived in GA a little over two months now. I'm assuming that's about the time that "reality" sets in. I just miss my parents and my siblings and my house. Am I crazy?
Re: Advice
No, you're not crazy. That's why they say the first year of marriage is the hardest. There is a LOT of adjusting to do, regardless of whether you came from your own place or your parents house.
However, one thing to be careful of is how you handle these conflicts. Based on your posts, it seems like there is a lot of "freak outs" going on, which I interpret as yelling, screaming, crying and overreacting. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Acting like that can have long term damaging effects on your relationship that you can't undo. Learning to handle issues in a constructive way is really important to a good marriage. Did you two go to premarital counseling? If so, this might be a good time to pull out any tools or workbooks that you were given, and go over the things you learned.
Dealing with your H's Mom is something that needs to fall entirely on his shoulders. His Mom, his problem. You two definitely need to present a united front, and he has to be on your side. There shouldn't be any kind of "giving in" to her nonsense. This is where being an adult comes in. He's gotta cut the apron strings with Mom and stand on his own two feet, regardless of how she reacts.
HTH.
I think you're definitely getting it two-fold also. Not only did you move in together, but you moved away from all of your family. On the positive side, your husband is always there for you to talk to, but it can also be a huge adjustment becuase he is always.there.
I was homesick for a few weeks after we moved, but I knew I had school and wedding planning to occupy my mind. Maybe try to find things (book clubs, church groups, etc.) where you know you can get out of the house and meet new people. My church is starting a sunday school class for young married couples on August 15, and you guys could come with us if you want.
What are you guys yelling at each other about? I would specifically address these issues. Both of you need to realize you need to make some compromises. The wedding itself only changes legal rights and tax filing status it does not change people. The irritating things DH did before we got married bothered me 10 times more right after we were married. Now? I realize it is what it is.
Being homesick sucks and is most likely compounding an already stressful situation. That said moving away from everyone is great experience where you really find out tons of things about yourself. Do you have many friends around? Make it a point to go out with them.
Good luck to you and remember you both need to communicate with each other in a rational way.
Sincerly,
A very high strung person
I totally agree with what P&R and Noelle said.
I'm sure things are harder because you're now in GA and the rest of your family is not. This can be tough if you're really close with them. Perhaps talk to your H and see about planning a time for them to visit you here so that you can create a better association with this area. Seeking a therapist will help you sort out which feelings you're having are associated with the move, marriage, and family. A therapist will also help you figure out the best way to communicate and handle these feelings/stresses.
With your marriage, definately openly talk with your H. Don't assume that he knows what you're thinking/feeling/seeing. I have found that asking for DH to do XYZ occurs more easily if I ask him to do XYZ for me and thank him when it's done. 9 out of 10 times he does whatever X is.
As for IL's, the child of the parent is the one to deal with the parent. I'm so very lucky to have a wonderful MIL. Poor DH, my mom takes delicate handling. My mom actually thinks that DH and my SIL are the reason that my brother and I don't talk to her as much as she would like. Even after I told her that I find her emotionally exhausting. If she ever says anything to me/within my or DH's ear shot I will speak up on behalf of DH. So with your MIL situation, have your H stand up to her for you. If he's not willing to do this I'd have to suggest couples counseling.
HTH
DH and I had pretty much ONE throwdown/blow-up proir to being married. He wanted to keep our incomes/$$$ separate. Oh, hell naw. We had a huge fight. But we also did this while living together, enagaged, prior to the wedding. We did end up combining funds and we're both a lot happier for that.
We have also done "family therapy". It was not "marriage counseling" to us because we needed help in how to deal with the crazy ILs. Both his (reaaaaaaaally bad) and mine (just plain crazy, but manageable). DHs family just became too much for us to handle without professional help (turns out we were handling the situation the best we could - the therapist just verified our emotions) and having a 3rd party validate our feelings and tell us how to deal with emotional blackmail was good.
If you go to the "Family Matters" board you'll see that a lot of the advice is that "you don't have a MIL problem. You have a DH problem." You are now your DHs priority. He needs to learn how to run interference with his mom and make sure she gets that you are #1 in his life now.
Call me Kat =^..^=
~~~MARRIED BIO~~~
I think we may be the same person.
Everyone has provided good advice including a therapist (I think many of us have gone this route! Nothing wrong with it). I'll add that you need a hobby.
Seriously, find something to occupy your time. Join a book club. Start a knitting club? Do you like to exercise? Join a gym, running group, etc. Do you go to church? Do they have any ministries you could volunteer for? Find another service agency and volunteer. Get out and meet people. There are tons of young married couples in Athens. Maybe now that you are working, it will help. I think your young charge is a bit too young for the park, but maybe you will meet other people once you can go to the park, play facilities, etc.
Southeastern Cycling
My Nest Bio and Cycling Advice
hah, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I asked him in that fight "so will you being paying me for being pregnant, since I will be the one not being paid while on Maternity leave?!?" <--- throw. down.
busybodyk made a good point too. We go to the gym 2 nights a week (Dh runs outside on Sundays so we go our separate ways on that day) and its a standing time that we know we're together. So when we have an invite out on those nights we know to answer "sure we'll meet you around 8 - after DH and I go to the gym". Its set in stone, that's where we will be, sweating it out together and being active.
Call me Kat =^..^=
Yes!!! H makes 4 times what I make. However, he does remember I found him the first job that launched his career, and the job he has with his current company.
Ditto on the activities. H and I have been doing laps around Grant Park on the weekend. It a great way to spend time together, talk about whats going on, and clear your mind.
you were right, we ARE the same person. I found DH his job too. His p/t college job (I FOUND) turned in to his F/T post college job which turned in to where he is now & it turns out he's 4 pay grades higher now than his last boss. Holla.
Call me Kat =^..^=
Yay!! Dealing with your own family's phuckery is the rule of my house as well.