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My husband likes it a little too rough, and a couple other issues...
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for two years and have one adorable 18 month old. My husband is a fantastic man, sweet, never gets angry with me is very patient, a great husband and great father. We can talk about things with no inhibitions and he always put forth effort into changing things if he is in the wrong or if it upsets me....except when it comes to our sex life. I have a couple of issues:
1: He is into very deep penetration:
I don't mind roughness every now and again, especially since he is a manly man and very strong, I find it as an attractive quality in him and like for him to show me that FROM TIME TO TIME. But, I would say probably 85% of the time when we are making love, he is overly strong in his trusting so much so that my ob dr. said that my cervix is actually tilted. He also likes to either spread my legs very far apart or lift them up well past my head to a point where I am folded like a lawn chair and then proceeds with the deep penetration to where it hurts. I tell him to stop and he does, but then a few minutes later we're back at it again and up (or out) go the legs again. Most of the time I'll be a trooper and say to myself, ok, this will just be a couple of minutes sit tight and let him get his dominant male fix and then it takes forever for him to come, by that time I'm high and dry and frustrated. It's strange because the other %15 of the time he is gentle and will actually go into a rhythm with me and it is mind blowing fantastic sex. What is the deal here? I don't know why he is doing this or how to get him to stop. We have talked about this NUMEROUS times in the course of our relationship to no avail even though he says he'll try to tone it down.
2. He is not good at letting me take control:
The rare times that I actually get to be one top, he loses interest quickly. I, like most women, like to start out slow-teasing if you will to get the mood set and a ryhtem started. He has a very hard time being patient and will start thrusting back at me and then that throws the rythem off and I have to repeatedly start over. Of course, this is frustrating for both of us and he just ends up on top. I always tell him, just let me take control-just chill and let me take over-it's not going to be slow the whole time, and he'll be ok with it for a little bit, but then we're back to square one agian and he's throwing the whole rhythm off.
Well, and while we're at it, I have a number 3 question too:
He never tells me any of his desires or fantasies. He's always mum about it. He has never once suggested doing a new position (well, one that doesn't involve one of my legs pointing north and the other pointing way due west while my butt is up to the ceiling) has never bought me lingerie (which is very upsetting because I love feeling sexy and have bought numerous outfits over the years which when I wear he just rips it off in two seconds). I have bought countless sex toys, gels, lubes, games and he never wants to try them out. I tell him I'd like to try and he goes with it for a minute and then just grabs my boob or other areas and just wants to get at it.
I feel terrible saying these things, but I am just at my wits end with what to do. We've talked about it so many times, I don't know any other way to word things. I give him praise for what he does do to satisfy me (I'm a talker in bed-he's not), I always tell him what a good provider he is and how proud I am of him. He owns his own contruction company that is doing very well and I know there is a lot of stress with that, so I am sure that is where some of the dominence issue stems from. Arggg, I just don't know what to do anymore to feel like I am a sexy goddess that he longs to touch and please. HELP!!
Re: My husband likes it a little too rough, and a couple other issues...
-your doc said that rough sex caused a tilted cervix?? I don't think this is possible is it? I mean I have a tiltled cervix but it's not from doing something, it's just the way I was built.
-My H has never bought me lingerie either, I buy it myself. and yes when I do wear it he just rips it right off (isn't that why you wear it though?) do you plan on sitting around drinking tea in it?
-The rest I totally see as a problem though, he needs to listen to what you want in a sexual relationship too. Have you tried initiating sex and when he tries to take over said in a strong voice "no, I'm in charge this time!". something very blunt and take his hands away.
When you talk to him how do you do it? when? do you talk to him about it right after sex? when you're not thinking about sex? during foreplay? My only suggestion is to be very clear and blunt to him as to what you need, let him know how it makes you feel for him to always take control. and I'd suggest talking to him when sex isn't on the table (in the car or something). "listen I have to talk to you about this because it's really been bothering me. I need sex for us to be gentler sometimes. I feel like I have no control sometimes, like there's no feeling involved, I need it to be my way sometimes too"
ohhh this makes more sense.
Ok...you guys need a set of safewords.
Usually, a safeword is an all full stop on the action...as in "If I say this word, **everything** stops immediately."
In your situation, you will need a series of words to indicate how things are going. Most people use "green light", "yellow light" and "red light". "Green light" means "I like that a lot, please give me more." "Yellow light" means "I am getting close to my personal threshold, so proceed with caution." "Red light" means "STOP RIGHT NOW!"
In my opinion, your husband has serious D/S fantasies and they freak him out. His actions (deep penetration, highly gymnastic positions) speak to a very strong desire for domination, especially given his return to those activities despite the fact that these positions cause you pain.
It is time to have a long, positive conversation with him about your sex life. Do it during a non-sexual time...not anywhere near your bedroom...and preferably when your daughter is in bed or off with a sitter. You need to be free to really discuss your feelings bluntly.
You need to discuss your feelings about what is happening in bed. Tell him that you love him and love the sex that you guys have, but that some times things get rougher than you would like. That some of the positions are not as comfortable as others. Tell him that you want to be Good, Giving and Game. Tell him that you want to talk about fantasies that both of you have and how to make them happen.
Tell them that you believe that he has domination fantasies that he just doesn't want to admit to. Tell him that you are game to play with them. Tell him that there are positions in which he can be very dominant but that will be more comfortable for you -- thereby ensuring your continued enjoyment of the games. Tell him that you are willing to engage in his fantasies if he is willing to make some of your fantasies happen as well.
Tell him that you want him to buy you lingerie. Tell him it will be part of the fantasy play -- that he is your master and has the right to order you to wear something specific. You should send him the links to 3 different outfits that you would be interested in wearing for him and tell him to order one for your play time.
You guys also need to educate yourselves on Domination/Submission play. You guys need to remember that it is just "Cops and Robbers" with your clothes off. Care needs to be taken to make sure that the play is a positive experience for both participants. There is a lot of mental damage that a bad "top" can do to a play partner by being cruel, playing without paying attention to the bottom's feelings. One way he can make sure that you are OK without "breaking the mood" is to ask you during sex "You want more, don't you? Ask me for more." Or "Tell me how much you love it deep." Or "Beg me for more. You know how much you want it."
Your DH has a lot of shame and fear attached to his fantasies, so he will need to acknowledge them first. Chances are they are super extreme because they are just mental daydreams that really can't be lived out in real life. Your DH just needs to learn how to do the things he is fantasizing about SAFELY, how to listen to you and your needs and where his own personal limits are. Try reading SM 101 or The Loving Dominant to get some clarity on the responsibilities of both the top and the bottom.
Good luck!
Summerhollis:
I think you may be right on the money, I have never heard that a tilted cervix can cause pain during sex, which surprises me that my stinkin gyno never mentioned that. It is very painful during exams. I did a bunch of google research just now on it, and found that the positions you use make a big difference. If you don't mind my asking, what work best for you?
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
I know that you have tried talking about it and it's not working. Sometimes it is good to bring in a mediator. It's hard for men to talk about what they are doing wrong especially when it comes to sex it hurts their egos. And then the conversation can turn into them getting defensive. So by bringing someone in that you both trust to mediate the problem that will help control the defensive attitude. A sex therapist is another great idea they will help you improve your sex life physically as well as the communication and emotional part. But your husband needs to realize that you have needs as well and he has to get over his bruised ego and be patient and work through the issues and a professional sex therapist could help him get through that maybe better than you alone can,
Just my $0.2 good luck =]
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
Daring Miss;
Fantastic insight, I think you are on the right track as well. I will talk with him again tonight, and say what you have said. I bet we will get to a root of a problem that stems from a long time ago.
Everyone, your comments are really helpful, keep them coming!
DaringMiss had much better advice than me, but here's my two cents anyway:
I would feel a little humiliated folded in half like a lawn chair and pounded. I think if I were in your place I would simply not allow H to put me in that position and force him to figure something else out in the moment. I would let him bring it up if he is frustrated since you have already tried to talk to him about it numerous times.
It's weird that your H is fine with hurting you. You have told him straight up that it hurts and he is a-okay with that.
No don't do that anymore is NO don't do that anymore and that is NO questions asked and no exceptions:
I don't know why he is doing this or how to get him to stop. We have talked about this NUMEROUS times in the course of our relationship to no avail even though he says he'll try to tone it
This behavior has me very worried.
I agree with this, especially the bolded part. I even read your post to my husband and he got a shocked look on his face. He said that next time your husband does this, tell him to STOP and to get off of you. And that's his last chance for the night.
I would imagine that in 9 years you've tried positions other than missionary and WOT... if you haven't, you should. It could have him get his DP on without you having to take quite so much... if you did it doggie style, his penis would have a longer distance to travel before entering the vagina, so he wouldn't have as much reach even if he did get carried away. Also, try laying on your stomach and having him penetrate you vaginally from behind. Keep your legs together (in this position, it's kind of hard for him to grab them and pull them apart). He'll get friction against your thighs, but you won't take as much as him so as to hurt you.
I don't want to condemn him for assuming the positions that hurt you even though you've talked about it... I'm sure he tries, but sometimes if you've only adjusted yourselves slightly, he could get caught up in the heat of the moment and not realize limbs have drifted, y'know? I'm not trying to let him off the hook; if he does it repeatedly, he should absolutely try harder to mend his ways. But I like to cut people slack for oopsies.
As for fantasies... some people don't have 'em. From the way you've described him, your H sounds like a "guys' guy"... i.e., not sensitive, not overly emotional, not deep-thinking, not overly analytical... he sounds like a meat-and-potatoes type, and guys like that can have a very plain outlook on sex. I've been with guys who refuse to get into toys or roleplay or anything extraneous, with the argument, "Why can't we just do it?" This is what you've chosen and you kinda have to just deal with it.
Most guys don't buy lingerie. And most guys rip lingerie right off. You can tell him you'd like him to savor you a bit, or even pretend to to indulge you. What kind of lingerie are you wearing, btw? Why not wear something you can leave on during sex? Wear some thigh-high stockings and something with the breasts cut out so he can still access everything he wants to without you taking it off.
Maybe you should get a book or two and read it together? Or a movie? Or a game? Don't make it a bedroom event, just check it out and maybe something will click in him.
When he is doing the things that cause you pain or discomfort, don't allow him to continue to do it. If you tell him to stop, he needs to stop. If he goes back to it, everything stops and clothes go back on. He'll get your point. There is absolutely no need for you to be in pain while you are having sex with your husband. If he's going to be selfish about it, end it. Simple as that. If you have to treat him like a 2yr old, fine. If you can't play nice, you can't play at all.
I could not agree more with these bolded things. Your husband is being selfish in bed with you. He knows that these things hurt you and still does them 85% of the time after multiple talks and multiple promises to tone them down? Selfish. He's not getting lost that frequently in the heat of the moment.
I think the very best thing you can do if you have indeed made sure he understood your past conversations, is to get out of bed and let him finish himself off/get blue balls. Seriously. He's hurting you. He's been told repeatedly he's hurting you. He continues to hurt you.
I bet it wouldn't take but a few times of completely cutting his session off (no getting back into bed for a few hours minimum. I'd personally do a full day) for him to straighten it up.
Wow, you seem like you really love your husband and its clear that you don?t want to say anything negative or mean about your husband, I do understand though sometimes you?ve just got to get another woman?s eye and hear that maybe there IS something you can do! J
I know from what I?ve tried my husband is quickly responsive to any noises I make?but I also know that when he?s in the grove, its hard to get his mind onto anything else but the final goal he has in mind. I wasn?t or orgasming at all for a few weeks after our marriage, mostly because he had a rhythm and I was a little shy about teaching him mine, it sounds like you?ve done a good job about being vocal, but I did notice when I?d go mayb a day or two without having ?sex? I could get him to focus on me a little more. Let me explain?I?d give him a blow job maybe 2 times in a day and then a hand job in the morning the next day?tease him all day long with notes or emails, (my guess is your husband is kinda like mine where he likes graphic notes or pics of you. J) I?d teasingly tell him that tomorrow I was gonna give him a chance to make me moan all night long... Then on the third day I?d do whatever I need to make myself feel awesome?and then go for it. Most often then not, he?ll want to please you. If there is still a problem, maybe telling him exactly what you wrote here would help, that you feel he is sometimes domineering in bed to the point of severe pain. Anyways, I think you're doing a great job trying to make the BEST out of your sex life, and lets face it...its SO rewarding when you're in tune wth each other sexually.