how do you get past infidelity?

fazgoune · July 2010

I met my husband in 2006 online, we talked for a year and then I traveled to Morocco to marry him, waited a year for him to be able to come and once here went through a year and a half of hell, but in that time oddly enough we did get closer, but eventually we spilt, were apart for 8 months, something bad happen to him and he said he realized he wanted to be with me and make things work, but I found out that while apart he went crazy with having sex with so many women ( also with me, we had times where he would come over, talk and end up in the bedroom) and the worst, I found out while he was still in Morocco he was having sex with another woman and saying things like " love always", although he does seem to be sincere about wanting to make things work..( hes not as picky about trying to change who I am to make him happy) but I do wonder is it a temporary thing, I was so shocked to find out about is actions that I feel unsure about his sincereity at times, I try not to question him when something looks suspious, I dont want to live like that, and he says, I should let go of the past, but sometimes its overwhelming, to the point I think I would do us both a favor and walk away from this. But then I think what if he truly has changed, so Im not sure how to deal with this.

pastrypuff9000 · July 2010

I would get past this particular case of infidelity by slapping him with some divorce papers.

Aaron'sWife · July 2010

Love is grand, but divorce is twenty grand.

Please have enough self esteem to want to be with a man who wants to be with you. You shouldn't have to force someone to be faithful to you.

Start divorce proceedings immediately.

laddiebug · July 2010

You don't get past it. You get divorced.

stinkytwopointzero · July 2010

Yu never spend enough extended time with him before you married him.

This sounds like a lost cause. Do what you think is right.

FroggyFarts · July 2010

fazgoune:
I found out that while apart he went crazy with having sex with so many women ( also with me, we had times where he would come over, talk and end up in the bedroom) and the worst, I found out while he was still in Morocco he was having sex with another woman and saying things like " love always"

Me? Divorce would be the answer to that quoted statement. No ifs, ands, or buts.

I've tried to work things out when trust has been broken drastically. Didn't work for me. And I'll never eat another decision made by a s/o that hurts me like that. Especially not pre-meditated and conscious decisions.

If you really want to make this work, the first steps are: 1) he gives you full access to anything of his (personal cells, e-mails, social networking sites) that you need. You need full disclosure here. All of his passwords and the ability to demand explanations for anything that concerns you. 2) counseling, for you individually and couple's.

It's a lot of work to fix trust issues that affect you personally. You need individual counseling to address that so that your issues as a result of this do not affect your relationship, now or in the future. You need couple's counseling to address the issue between the two of you, but really only if you're trying to make this work.

FMIL&MOB · July 2010

Get tested, get a lawyer and get him out.

pink*dahlia · July 2010

fazgoune:
hes not as picky about trying to change who I am to make him happy) but I do wonder is it a temporary thing, I was so shocked to find out about is actions that I feel unsure about his sincereity at times, I try not to question him when something looks suspious, I dont want to live like that, and he says, I should let go of the past, but sometimes its overwhelming, to the point I think I would do us both a favor and walk away from this. But then I think what if he truly has changed, so Im not sure how to deal with this.

I think froggy has some great advice (access to personal info and counseling for both you and him)

But then I reread that bold statement and think no I don't think this would work in your situation. He is basically saying that he does not take responsibility in his own actions. He sounds like he does not want to change and it sounds like deep down in your gut you know what the right thing to do is and I believe that means walking away.

ClaireHuxtable · July 2010

pastrypuff9000:
I would get past this particular case of infidelity by slapping him with some divorce papers.

Usually I'm not one to jump on the d-train, but in this instance, I second this. I wouldn't be wanting to get past this case of infidelity. Nuh uh.

MissSolo06 · July 2010

ok i can totally relate to you on some of this...ive been with my husband for 3 years but married for 14 months the whole time we were together he cheated i only knew a bout two at the time but was always catching him talking on the phone and texting other woman all the time.i found out that he had cheated quite a few times after we got married so i recently moved out and we are now seperated.of course he's gonna come back to you and always want to sleep with u because your safe sex because your his wife.but u CANNOT give in to that its going to make u feel disgusted with yourself just knowing that hes sleeping with other women and telling them the same things he tells you.in his eyes your nothing more special then the rest of them because if you were he wouldnt be doing all that to you.hes not a real man hes a boy playing little boy games.my husband just like your told me all these great things and yes i believed him at times but i knew the truth so his sincerity was only a lie to get what he wanted.dont give him what he wants...hes not giving you what you want....respect love and loyalty.i thought so many times that he could change but he didnt and he never will unless God gets ahold of his heart.let him go and let God have him

magsugar13 · July 2010

Anyone else smell green card marriage?

pastrypuff9000 · July 2010

magsugar13:
Anyone else smell green card marriage?

ITA.

christyran1228 · July 2010

FMIL&MOB:
Get tested, get a lawyer and get him out.

Yes

theclaxtons · July 2010

He is not sincere. You will never value yourself or be able to move into a relationship that is good for you if you do not walk away from this one. I suggest that you follow the ladies' advice: get tested, see a lawyer, end it, and go to therapy. For your sake, this is the best option. This man does not have a sincere bone in his body and is playing you. If you stay you will regret it for the rest of your life. Do not give this person any more power over you.

I hate divorce, and think that it is often unnecessary, but in this case *even if you don't divorce him* you MUST walk away. I don't think that you are a Moroccan native; if not, go back to your home country. You need support from family and friends while making a decision as monumental as marriage and divorce and it's highly likely that that is why he brought you there to have you make a decision based only on his guidance. Go home. Think long and hard about it. If he follows you, is willing to get counseling, and starts showing signs of trustworthiness, divorce may not be necessary, but, if not, it's time to end the farce.

MrsTiburcio · July 2010

completely agree with the green card marriage. always remember that the best relationship that you have is the one you keep with yourself and this marriage is not helping that. in the end it will be your decision but i think you should divorce. you don't want to spend a life time thinking about what he's doing? and who he's with?

angelalcox · August 2010

That?s tough! I?m sure your heart was broken and it feels fresh every time it comes up.

I?ve often wondered how I would feel if I found my husband was cheating. I think the answer to taking him back IS forgiving him and moving on, however, does he sincerely want to love and honor you for the years to come? Maybe you could ask him to do something for you to see if he?s really serious about being your husband. Ask him to date you with no intention of getting anything from you, especially not sex, if he?s serious enough he?ll do whatever it takes to win you back. If not, mabye it would be a good idea to let him have his other women.