Oklahoma Nesties
BoyMom21
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
On big issues, how do you compromise?
You are dead set that YOU are right. Your H feels the exact same way on his side of the issue--he is right and there's no changing his mind.
This could be buying cars, having children, moving to a new city, or what's for dinner....how do you compromise when you're very passionate about what's at hand?
Re: On big issues, how do you compromise?
We try to talk things out. When I was dead set on having kids and he wasn't we compromised and said that we would start trying to have kids when we reach these certain goalsthat we set in place. It made DH feel better that we had accomplished something big before starting a family.
I think we both reach our compromises pretty quickly because we really do talk things out so the other person can see why you feel that way. Sometimes we don't get want we want exactly and we might get into a fight about it but in the end we always come up with a solution that feels right for both of us.
So far we've only had two issues that needed compromise.
1. H wanted his marriage to be recognized by the Catholic church. I'm not Catholic. We got married in his parents' church. The priest commended me for compromising.
2. I wanted a house. H wanted a dog. I told H that when we got a house, he could get a dog. We now have both a house and a dog and we are both very happy.
Okay, so what if it was an issue that came up that you haven't encountered yet...say, you want to attend church and he doesn't?
Or he decides he wants two kids and you want one? (This is our issue)
You want to spend money on a new car and finance it but he is adamant about paying cash for it? (This one is stupid, but money is a big divorce worthy issue for some!)
I agree with Tavia that my love for H is bigger than any issue we may come across (to an extent...if he's layin' the pipe to some random hooker I might jet my own way), but it's hard to find a way to compromise on something when you know you're right and you don't want to give up your stance.
I'm not sure. I guess I would just have to tell him I'd be willing to compromise if he is. Prayer and communication would be key.
If he didn't want to attend church, and I did, I would compromise by not asking him to go if I could bring DS. If he wanted two kids and I wanted one, I would compromise by telling him I'd keep an open mind to a second one if he wouldn't pressure me time-wise and if he'd also open his mind to the idea of only having one.
I know we've talked about this before (how it's not only for people struggling in their marriages), but maybe also getting a third party opinion and advice would help. (a.k.a. counselor)
DH doesn't care to go to church, and I don't push the subject; however, he doesn't reject me taking DS and I'm satisfied with that. And, I don't expect him to go with me, but it sure would be nice every now and then.
We've had issues regarding money and how its spent, and those are always difficult...especially when the money is involved with family. No matter what, I always end up looking like that bad person. I don't think we'll ever come to an agreement regarding the issue, either. Not that I don't love my family nor wouldn't do anything for them, when it's irresponsibility that leads to financial woes...don't come to us. Or, don't plan a destinatinon wedding when the ILs can't afford it, and expect them to go along with everyone else who can't afford it. (BIL and SIL did this last November--and they divorced in May. HA!)
Wow, just realized I vented there a bit. My bad.
Overall, like you and Tavia, I love DH too much to stand strong for too long...and I hope he'll come around and see my point eventually.
Well, most of you know our current issue (he wanted two kids yesterday, I want one kid tomorrow). We actually had a big conversation about this just this weekend.
It used to be that I wasn't ready to have kids, but now I think it's more that feeling of not being financially ready. I mean, we just bought a house. We're in desperate need of a new car because I will not be putting a child in my death trap. So we discussed, and decided that we would make several changes to our financial situation. And once those goals are met, then we'll start trying.. or at least stop preventing.
As far as the two kids versus one kid thing, we're going to take it one step at a time. Tavia said it well, actually. If after having one he still wants two, I will keep an open mind about it and give it serious consideration as long as he can respect the fact that I may never be ready for two.
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Holy crap. Those were our exact two issues.
For 1., we had a very small private ceremony (parents and grandparents) at the church that morning, then had a big ceremony that night in a ballroom with our siblings performing the ceremony. It was really important to DH to marry in a church (that he hadn't attended for 15 years and never has attended a day since, but I digress) and it was really important to me to have a more "personal", non-religious ceremony. We both won that one.
For 2., I really wanted a dog, DH didn't. He said we could get a dog if we waited 2 years. I waited. About a year later he said we could go "look" at puppies and I knew I had him hook, line, and sinker. When those little balls of white fluff came running at him I knew there was no way he could say "no."
If he wanted to go to church, fine. Go. I'm definitely not going to stand in your way, but I don't plan to go with you, either. I'd give a little by attending some of the less-religious social events with him (e.g., Summer Socials, hanging out with couples he met there, etc.)
I'm firmly of the Dr. Phil school, though, that having children takes two "yeses" or only one "no." He would just lose that one. I wouldn't get my tubes tied just in case I changed my mind later, but I also wouldn't have a child unless I was 100% sure I wanted (another) one.
For the car, pay cash for half and finance half.
I think you are my soulmate. That's what it is. Wine on Wednesdays and this have me convinced
Okay, so for the "bigger" issues then, this is how it's gone for us:
We used to say we'd never live together. Then we did. It was a mutual decision.
We used to say we'd never get married. Then we did. It was a mutual decision (though, I was waiting around for awhile, getting a little impatient while he held on to the exact ring I had picked out when he wasn't even at the store),
We used to say we'd never have kids. Then we started talking about it nonchalantly. As in, "so, what do you think about having a kid or two? When should we get on that?" And the other would respond, "Eh, we'll get around to it. I imagine after we get a little more settled we'll work on it." "That sounds good to me."
H would be fine if I decided to go to church. Even if it wasn't "his" church, which he doesn't even attend. He's fine if I don't go. If we have kids, and he wants to take the kids to church, then he can do that. If we would rather be heathens on Sunday mornings like we are now (which I dearly love my lazy Sunday mornings and I think he does, too) then we'll continue to do that.
The car thing would never be an issue with us, because we're both fine with financing a car because we've both done it. We usually have a reasonable enough down payment to keep the monthly payment low. But, if he manages to get enough money someday that allows us to buy a car outright, then why not?
Honestly, all these big "issues" and "compromises" that people make a big deal out of just aren't a big deal for us. The thing we bicker the most about is who does the most housework. We both think we're right on that one. However, in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter who emptied the dishwasher last? No.
When we first started dating dh wanted kids and I was adamant that I didn't want them. He understood how important my goals were, he backed off. I pursued career/education and he still wanted kids. I explained to him that IF the future held it in the cards then we would have them after we were both done with school as I am not the stay-at-home, doting mother type.
Dh went out of country for awhile and got baby fever, I brought him back to reality by asking who would keep said child. Now we are both in agreement that I will finish up my education and we will talk about kids in the distant future, they are not in my cards at this point.
I think dh likes the idea of kids but once I rationally explain that my career has been/always will be important to me then it begins to sink in. He still wants kids and it is not my intention to deny him that (as I am not totally closed off to the idea) I just have to explain to him how we are not ready.
Honestly, the majority of compromises end with DH giving in. I tend to be the dominant personality in the relationship and argue my point more adamantly (stubbornly?), and DH often ends up giving in on issues of little lasting consequence. I recognize that he does this, so after I'm over being happy that I got my way I generally try to offer a more fair compromise that suits us both. We've had several conversations about DH's willing to aquiesce, so I know that when he doesn't give in the subject is really important to him and I try to be more flexible than usual.
Our only major issue of compromise is children. I don't really want them, DH does, but we knew that from the beginning of our relationship. We've agreed to table the issue for now and revisit it in several years after we've gotten established in our careers, had a chance to travel, bought a house, etc., though we do casually bring it up every few months to see what our current thoughts about it are.