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Does anyone have a senior parent live with them? HELP
Ive never posted on this board before but figured Id try to get some advice. My husband and I live alone in our small-ish home and everything is about to change. My Dad is 80, lives alone since my Mom died, got laid off and is on a fixed income for the past year and is really drowning financially. We not only pay all our bills but we also help my Dad out as well, and trust me, we dont make a lot of money so needless to say things have been tight! We decided to put my Dads house up for sale, he wants to move to Florida to retire. The house was on the market 4 months and we now got our first offer, went back and forth with counter offers and finally all settled on a price. Its not a wonderful-sit-back-and-enjoy-life deal but he will have enough money to pay off his (rediculously high) mortgage and all his credit cards ect and still have a little cushion under him. The place he wants to move to is a Senior independant living center which we went to visit and loved. They provide all his meals, cleaning, laundry ect and the place is just wonderful. Problem is they have a waiting list of approx 4-6 months right now so Dad is coming to live with us. Now I dont have a problem with that per say, I LOVE my Dad, he is my world, I have a problem with how I am around him. I feel like because if his age I have to do everything for him, and I tend to get a little Motherly to him and its exhausting! We've taken him on vacation with us a few times to Florida, rented a condo on the beach and I always feel like I have to make 3 meals a day, ask him is he needs a drink, make sure he has coffee ready in the morning, ect.. just always make sure he is ok and I never get to relax. I feel like all I do it take care of everyone and I dont get to enjoy myself. So now that he is living here I have a feeling my life as I know it is about to change. My DH and I are very laid back and relaxed in our house. For example we dont have formal dinner, we pull up a tray table and eat in front of the TV, we dont "do" breakfast, no morning coffee, at work all day and when we come hom we veg infront of the TV or I like to read. Now I feel like my down time is going to be out the window since my Dad will be here I feel like I have to entertain him all.the.time. Another thing that bothers me is that our house is 2 floors so he will have to climb stairs all the time. He is used to living in a 1 floor home and the stairs make me VERY nervous and since the bathroom/shower is upstairs and the kitchen is downstairs there is no way around it.
I dont know that anyone will really have any advice for me but I do feel better just getting this off my chest, If you've read this far, I appreciate it.
Poster my gym made of me!
Re: Does anyone have a senior parent live with them? HELP
My parents had my dad's father live with them for a few months until they could get him in the assisted living center they wanted. It was hard. They fought.
Since your father has been living on his own so he obviously can feed himself and get his own drinks. I know it's easier said than done but you really need to relax around him. If you don't it not only going to drain you but could cause some problems between you and your DH. Just go about how you normally are with your laid back ways. I'm sure your father is so grateful for the assistance that he'd never think a bad thought about you guys not having formal dinners or that you don't mother him. Good luck with it though!!
You said frequently in this post that you "feel" like you need to take care of your dad. However, DO you "need" to take care of your dad? Or do you just feel that it's what you should be doing? It's nice that you want to look after him, but you're also not doing him (or you and your H) any favors if you tend to his every need like he's an invalid. If he truly does need assistance with basic tasks, that's another story ... but if he isn't frail enough to need semi-constant or constant assistance, then do not start doing it now. There is a huge difference between a parent who needs to be taken care of, and one who wants to be taken care of. Is he sick or frail, or are you just afraid of him being lonely?
You, your H and your dad should sit down before he moves in, and talk about your normal routine vs. his normal routine and figure out a game plan. For instance, with meals, will all of you be on your own every night and it'll be up to him to prepare a meal (or at least a sandwich) when he's hungry? Will you schedule one or two sit-down meals a week with the three of you? Will he contribute at all to the groceries (chip in cash, he'll do the shopping if you provide the cash, you'll shop and he'll put everything away and do the dishes)?
As far as your social lives, you shouldn't need to entertain him 24/7. Again, maybe set up one or two nights a week where the three of you can spend time together. You and your H need your private time, though. And he absolutely needs to establish his own social life ... help him get involved with some activities in your area, like seniors' centers, church groups, a part-time job or volunteer activity, bingo nights, whatever. From personal experience, I urge you not to let him sit and watch TV all the time. He can become a hermit that way, and it's not fair to him or to you and your H if he's just sitting at home wasting away in front of the television 12 hours a day. Encourage him to find an activity or group that he loves, and regularly participate in it.
As far as his physical limitations (climbing stairs, etc.), I would personally talk to his doctor or a physical therapist about what he should and should not be doing.
The more you mother/baby him and do things for him, the more dependent he will grow on you and your H. Anything he can do for himself, he SHOULD do for himself. Please trust me on this. I'm in a situation where we're basically taking care of a parent who just plain doesn't want to do things for himself, not because he's unable to care for himself. It's very sad, and frustrating, to watch a parent waste away just because (s)he's become used to people caring for him/her and doesn't want to make the effort to be independent.
my first thought is, that you'll be thankful for this time with your dad once he moves and you don't see him as much. you have a really good plan and the good news is, there's a time line on it so you'll at least be able to focus on a finish line. I think you need to sit down with him and explain how you do things around your house. Explian that you don't make breakfast but he's welcome to use anything in the kitchen, give him a "tour" like we keep this in this drawer and this in this cabinet. Figure out grocery shopping, will you do it all or will he want to go buy his own food. Remind him this is a chance to still make his own meals, because once he moves they'll do it all. Talk about laundry and things like whether he should make his bed.
I feel like there has to be a book about all of this, maybe a senior center can reccommend one
I couldn't agree more. I've been a caregiver to my mom since her husband passed in 2004. She is only 63. However, in her case she does have physical limitations and she is confined to a wheelchair 24/7. From 2004-2005 when she was walking with the assistance of a walker, she lived with my dh and I. We fought all.of.the.time. She couldn't accept the fact that her health was declining and her indepenence was being stripped away. It was the hardest year of my life. I suggest you talk to your father and talk about your fears and ask him what he expects. You never know, he may have the same fears that you do. But definitely encourage him to get out and socialize (my mom does not, even living in a independent/assisted living facility). The only socialization that my mom does is if my dh or myself will pick her up and have her over for dinner. It's a battle that I've stopped arguing with her about since she's been on her own for 5 years and she's not going to change.
Other soulutions:
Is there a senior citizens/fixed income housing complex in either his town or yours? See if you can get him onto that list and into one of those apartments.
What about a smallish apartment or a similar living arrangement that your father wanted but nearby you? Or the same type of living arrangment he wanted but in another part of Florida?
I fully ditto mbcge - there is a lot of "I feel" in your post, but your dad still is a functioning human who can take care of himself. Back off about how YOU feel and focus on how HE feels for a moment. He may not want "to be taken care of". He may want, at the age of 80, to feel like he can still do stuff for himself!
You sound ready to basically treat him like a child. Don't. Dont' fall into this trap.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
With this information, my first thought is "you're doing him a disservervice by interlaizing guilt to the point of taking care of someone who doesn't need care".
I don't want my gramps to be lonely...but having me try to fill the void in his life, the void taht should be filled by friends, family, spouse, etc? not healthy for EITHER of us--one person can't be all that. It leads to burn out and weirdo unhealthy lean-to relationships.
And I can say that gramps has avoided the 'activities' too...but guess what? we make sure he goes anyhow. Just like an unsociable kid who gets dropped at daycare in spite of himself.
There are resources--call your county's dept on aging (names vary by county but I"m sure you can find it)...consider Meals on Wheels--this was something we did less for the 'food' and more for the idea of 'someone will visit gramps once a day'. Consider home-health aides--insurance may cover some of this and, if his medical needs are fairly non existant, this may be very affordable--it may be just companionship but that's a good start.
And, all things considered, don't dismiss the possibility of depression--it's often under diagnoised and treated in the elderly; having him talk to someone, if you can pull it off, could be very helpful.
I can totally sympathize with this, I really can. And I really do feel for you, and I think you're great for taking care of him and trying to make him happy.
However, he needs to understand that he'll only be alone if he allows himself to be alone. Keep trying to get him involved with things, and remind him that his life is absolutely not over yet. Don't let him get into the habit of thinking, "Woe is me, I'm all alone and my daughter is the only resource I have to live."
PLEASE believe me ... if you allow him to get used to you and your H taking care of him, then that will continue for the rest of his life. If an opening in the seniors' center comes up in six months, he will not want to take it. He will whine, moan and groan about how you and your H are "abandoning" him and how he'll be all alone at this new place, and you will probably wind up feeling guilty and allowing him to live with you for the rest of your lives. He needs to get used to the idea, NOW, that he should pick up and carry on with his life. Otherwise, it'll just get harder for both you and him to change this lifestyle down the road.
Even when parents and adult children have great relationships, living together (especially in close quarters) can change that over time. I had nothing bad to say about my FIL before I lived in the same house as him, but now that we've been in close quarters for about a year, there are times where I can't even stand to look at him, and it makes me sad that his annoying/irresponsible qualities are overshadowing his good qualities in my mind. And it's maddening to watch him waste away, in many different forms (memory, eyesight and hearing, health, social skills), because all he wants to do is watch television all day and depend on his son to take care of him. And he's only in his 60s, so we probably have another decade or two at least of dealing with this.
Your dad is in control of his own life. PLEASE do not allow him to just give up on life and depend on you and your H for everything. Make it very clear that this living situation is temporary, and that its purpose is to get him used to living and functioning on his own while he's still physically able to do so. Tough love is still love. And you'd be doing him no favors to become his caretaker if he doesn't need to be taken care of like a baby.
And sorry to be long-winded, but I also want to add that if you and/or your H wind up being displeased with this arrangement, it's going to lead to fights or ill feelings, and it could potentially put a strain on your marriage. It gets really old, REALLY fast, to have to constantly worry about a fully-functioning adult who ought to be taking care of themselves. It really hurts when you just want to spend Christmas morning or Valentine's Day or New Year's Eve alone together and you can't, because of the guilt of making a dependent parent lonely (even though they are choosing to be alone). It's no fun to resent a parent for mooching off his/her adult children and to resent them for horning in on what should be a private time for newlyweds or a young couple. It's no fun to realize that, if you're taking care of a parent and are also planning to have kids, you may not have much/any true "alone time" until the time your kids grow up and move out. And it's no fun to be arguing over something else entirely and then getting into a bigger fight because the, "Well, I'm tired of your dad living with us!" complaint somehow works itself into the argument.
There are usualy tons of things for seniors to do -- lots of towns have seniors' social clubs.
I have an uncle who remarried when he was well over 80; he and my aunt were married over 55 years.
Why don't you think fussing around your dad is completely within your control?
I mean, you clearly articulate that you morph into uber hostess and mother hen around him. I don't get why you don't just say "Gee, this isn't a weekend or vacation, this is a long-term living arrangement. As such, he'll adjust to our home life and I will ALSO adjust to integrating dad into our home life"?
What's going on that you can't recognize he's been independently living (providing for his 3 square meals a day, drinks included) up to the moment he walks into your house - and build on that as a strength? He's clearly capable, yet you choose to ignore that in favor of "doing everything for him" and then exhaust yourself. Why?
This is completley within your control. I suggest you look at some of the root causes of why you are feeling this compulsion to be so exessively attentive. If you can identify the root causes and then can overcome some of the panic and OCD behaviors, then you might be able to enjoy what could be a very precious time together. Otherwise, feel free to ignore yourself and make yourself and everyone else miserable for next 4-6 months.
EDIT: And I totally agree with other posters that if you treat him like he needs all this hand-holding and support, he could easily begin to believe you. Then become too dependent on you to want to move in 6 months. Then what?