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prayers for me and the Mr.
Hi ladies - I am hoping that the prayers of plenty of people will be enough to help me be calm, cool, and collected.
Last night DH and I decided to order pizza and watch the Bachelorette (guilty pleasure of mine). We got an error message on our order so I was going to log into my email to see if we had gotten an confirmation. Hubby and I share a provider so when I clicked on the email link, it logged onto his account. I noticed that there were multitudes of emails to people I didn't recognize and curiosity got the better of me. There were dozens of back and forth racy and explicit conversations with apparent strangers.
I confronted DH about it and he proceeded to evade my questions and wouldn't be honest with me. I finally came clean that I had seen more than I originally let on and I was horribly disappointed in him that, when confronted with evidence, he couldn't be honest with me.
I told him that I made a promise before God and our families to love him in good times and in bad, and that this was about as bad as it could be, and that he could either agree to get help for his addiction or he could start packing his stuff.
He agreed that he has a problem and that it needs attention and will be seeing a therapist this week. It is going to clean out our entire health savings account because this won't be covered under insurance. He's going to start out in therapy on his own and once he's got a handle on his addiction, we can start family counseling and start patching up the trust issues we're going to struggle with for the rest of our lives.
I hope that this doesn't end in divorce. I hope that DH can see how deeply this hurt me. I hope that he is able to get a grip on his self control and that we're able to forge onwards. If he can't do that, then there is nothing left for me to pin my hope on.
Re: prayers for me and the Mr.
You and your H will be in my thoughts & prayers.
For what its worth, I have seen this happen to others and they have pulled through. I have faith that you will do the same. We ALL have our issues and no one is perfect. The fact that he is willing to go get help is a HUGE step in the right direction. Do what you need to for yourself as well. We're all here if you need us and I wish nothing but the best of luck and faith to you both during this difficult time.
Hugs to you!!
So, so sorry, Witty. I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Like 101709 said, I too have seen a couple go through sometime very, very similar, and they pulled through. Have faith, and don't feel like you have to settle for the first counselor you see.
Let us know if we can do anything for you.
So after you told him everything that you had seen, was he honest? Did he tell you the whole truth after you let on that you knew more than what he was telling you? T&P, but that would be my number one concern right now. If he is going to continue to lie through the "healing process," it's not going to work.
Are you going to go to counseling with him? It might make you feel more involved and informed. While he might have some deeper issues (not sure if I totally can understand the whole picture from one short post) that require therapy, you can probably do couples counseling at your church or religious organization... as a cheaper option.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, Witty. Sending lots and lots of T&Ps to you and your DH.
Like PP, I also know several couples that have gone through similar situations and have come out stronger than ever. It's great that your DH acknowledges that he needs help for this issue, that's so huge. Best of luck to you!! Don't forget, we're always here if you need to vent!!
We both agreed that he needs to start out therapy on his own to deal with whatever issues he's got unless advised otherwise by the therapist. I may go with him to talk to providers since it seems to make the most sense for him to see the same person we'll see together eventually. Once he's got a better handle on things, then we'll do it together.
Once I hit him with all of it, he did come clean. I could tell he was embarrassed by it, not out of a guilty conscience, but really truly embarrassed by his behavior. I have every confidence that he'll make his best effort at getting healthy and staying that way. He knows that I'm dead serious about him getting his act together or else we're through. I truly believe that addiction is a disease and you cure disease with treatment but the person with the addiction needs to have that "come to Jesus" moment where they realize that their actions are hurting more than just them. I think DH is there.
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This is not what I expected to read...it sucks. Lots of T&Ps are going your way.
Are you positive that nothing happened outside of the internet and IRL? For the sake of being safe (regardless of how much he's shared) you might want to get tested. If you want to talk about it, PM me, I've dealt with this before in previous relationships and have a pretty good idea of what you're feeling.
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The same thing has happened in my relationship with The Mr before we got married. It was shocking and I was throughly disgusted. The Mr. did not go to councilling nor did I even really think to make him go but I am glad that's the step you are taking. I think it will really help with any trust issues that there will be spawning from this.
T&P's to you in dealing with this hurtful situation.
Oh honey I am so sorry. I'm know it was unbearably hurtful to read those words, and so very hard to confront him on it. I know that these things can be gotten through, because it happened to us. About 15 years into our marriage, I stumbled onto much the same thing. I found it on a phone bill and then worked back from there to the computer. He was very defensive at first, saying it was just an anonomyous stress relief. Once we got into it, he realized what he was doing was cheating...even if he never touched the person...and emotional cheating is just as painful. He went to counseling for over a year and we have not had a problem since. Part of the deal was no more secret passwords, even on his work laptop. For several years after I checked periodically before I was able to see that he had gotten himself together and I could completely let it go.
I'm around if you ever want to talk to someone who has been there and come out stronger than before. My thoughts, prayers and hopes are with you.
I am so sorry, witty. I will definitely send lots of T&P your way during this time. I, too, experienced this with MH a few months ago and it's still hard to deal with. Good for you for telling him counseling was in order. I would definitely recommend you finding someone to talk to, as well, simply because trust will be so difficult now. I don't remember your work situation, but perhaps you have an EAP that would offer up a few counseling sessions at no cost to you?
Anyway, T&P to you and if you ever want to talk (I know I would've appreciated that) let me know.
Thanks all - while I wish I didn't have to say this because it means that other people got totally blindsided with stuff like this too, I'm glad that there are people out there who went through something similar and are still together. That is a huge reassurance for me that we can work through the huge issues we're facing.
DH and I sorta pre-screened some counselors last night finding people who specialize in addiction and also family therapy relating to addiction and made some good progress. The next step is to start calling these folks who look good on paper and see if they're feeling like their skills are a good match for what our relationship woes are. We're, unfortunately, between churches at the moment (long story) so I'm not sure that is an option for us. Before this all went down, we had visited a few parishes but hadn't decided on anything. DH asked for us to resume that search as part of our relationship "next steps".
DH feels completely ashamed of himself and has been spontaneously bursting into tears because he feels so horrible about himself and his behavior. It is odd because I haven't yelled, screamed, punched him, or been anything but calm about it which isn't what I would have expected about myself (although I would admit at some point to wanting to do any of the above). I had to off load some of the weight I was carrying around over it and confided in my mom. We have a fundraiser dinner tonight and my folks are going to be there and I hope that she can keep her feelings of disappointment buried for my sake. It is important to me to work on "us" without additional criticism from outside our relationship and I think she gets that. I'm not trying to hide it and if anyone should ask, I'd tell them that we were seeing a therapist about some issues in our relationship, but I really want to give him the chance to get his feet pointed in the right direction first.
We have a long road ahead of us but I am determined to work through our problems. I'm not a quitter, darn stubborn actually, and he is going to have to make some serious amends for himself and his choices. There are no more "chances" for him and if he can't do this for himself and for me, he knows that we can't continue and that seems to be some serious motivation for him.
Sorry I'm so late on this. And I'm really sorry to hear of the painful situation. It sounds like you handling it well. My BFF had something similar go down not too long ago and she talked to me about it so she'd have someone to check in with her and make sure she was okay in the process and to give her someone to vent to, etc... I hope that you can find someone else to talk to if you feel like your mom's holding it against him.
If by chance porn was in the mix too, you guys might want to check out www.xxxchurch.com. They have software you can put on your computer and it sends e-mails to whoever you choose every week or two with a report if any questionable sites were viewed. DH has it on all his computers and his iPhone and it sends e-mails to me and his BFF.
Keep your head up! *HUGS*
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