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diminished sex drive
My wife and I have been married for 5 years now and I?m still crazy about her. Since the birth of our son (2 and a half) her sex drive has become nonexistent. This may defeat my question, but she is currently pregnant with our second child. (11 wks) I have tried to talk to her about it but she just gets angry and makes comments like ?that?s all you want from me? I feel part of her anger is because she doesn?t understand what happened either. For the first few years we dated it was like rabbits, then we got married and it slowed down a bit due to stress of a new house and added responsibilities normal everyday things. Now it has become so sparse that I don?t know what to do? I was hoping someone out there could help us understand and work through this.
Re: diminished sex drive
Do you have date nights? Do you do things just the two of you that aren't sex related? Just things away from the kid where you can relax and enjoy each others company?
I don't have kids, but I do know that a lot of the times women need to feel close to their spouse in other ways in order to want that sexual intimacy. If she's already stressed about just life in general and kids and being pregnant on top of that it's not going to help to only come to her with the expectation of sex. Take her out and DON'T try anything, let her know that you think she's beautiful, just enjoy each other like you used to, maybe she'll relax enough to want more.
When this began after the birth of your first child, she should have gone to her doc and had a complete physical to determine why she wasn't in the mood for any sexual contact..
You should have addressed this issue with her after the first child came along.
I don't see much communication here between you and your wife. What do you guys do when there's a problem or issue? You ignore it??
I don't know how long you and she have been together; you're married 5 years so I'll add on 3 more years for dating, courtship and engagement. It's normal for passion to wane but not normal for passion to screech to what's pretty much almost a halt.
It's either hormonal or she has decided the sex department is closed...and only open when she wants to procreate.
How about you? Are you keeping yourself attractive, bathing often, brushing your teeth and in general making sure your hygiene is okay? I'm guessing that you are. (nobody wants to kiss or go near somebody with BO and/or bad breath) And if you are not, START NOW.
At any rate, you need to sit down and openly and frankly discuss this with her -- have a sitter take the kid for the evening; shut the phones off and have no interruptions.
If she still won't do anything to meet you half way or she refuses, you can decide where you want to go from here. This is tough because there's kids in the picture.:(
Good luck.
Unfortunately we don?t get out often without our son. This is an area I will try to focus more time on. I tell my wife all the time that I love her and that she is beautiful. Not in the way that it becomes routine either. I admit in the beginning (6 months) it was the expectation of sex but I quickly saw my errors and let it go. I agree this is something that should have been taken care of early on but it wasn?t and we cannot go back in time. I understand that there are ups and downs in relationships and that is what I used to justify it for so long. As for myself I have always been active but in the past year and a half have quit smoking and am in better shape than I ever was. In the beginning I had the same thoughts maybe I wasn?t attractive enough. I don?t believe that?s the reason why but it does weight on me emotionally. I?m willing to sit down and talk to her, do you have any suggestions on pit falls to avoid in starting this conversation?
She will probably become defensive and look to portray herself as a victim. IMO, you shouldn't apologize for wanting or expecting sex. And not just as a chore, but as something she wants and looks forward to. If that's not happening, you guys have a serious issue in your relationship that will probably destroy your marriage unless it's fixed.
We've seen this thread before, heck, I've started one of them. One piece of feedback you're guaranteed to get is that you should start watching the baby more, clean up around the house, take her on date nights, send her to the spa, etc. While being nice and generous to your wife is certainly a good thing, these responses always rubbed me the wrong way -- as if sex were some reward for good behavior. If that's how your wife treats sex in your relationship, I think you have a problem.
I disagree with NoNotTufts here, and you don't have a problem if that's how your wife thinks (that sex is a reward for good behavior). I'll admit I might be biased since I myself happen to be a wife, but that also gives me more insight.
Sorry to disappoint any guy out there, but women really do feel more like "opening up" to you if you help out around the house, watch the baby, cook dinner, rub her feet (and not just for a minute or while you are watching TV), take her out for dinner, send flowers, etc...these types of things count, IMO, as foreplay. Probably has something to do with evolution, as in if you take care of us, we think that you can take care of a family and thus you are safe to sleep with and in fact we want to sleep with you. Guys need to stop thinking that women are ready and waiting to have sex 24/7, especially with someone who ignores us when we want to vent, can tune out the crying baby, or overlook the dirty house. Help us, and we'll help you, it's a simple as that.
Nothing is ever that simple. I?m far from a perfect, there are times I can just zone out during a conversation and I will work on that. But as a reward for good behavior I have had to do something right in 2 an a half years. The cooking is done by me and I spend every chance I can with our son to give her a break. There are things I will work on not zoning out, Date night, and a foot massage for no reason. Now the question becomes how far is to far? How much do I over extend myself to be rewarded with passion from a woman I love?
There is a fine (and important) distinction between these things getting you in the mood and these things being prerequisites for your husband to see you naked. In other words, if they truly make you want to have sex, great. If instead you still dislike sex as much as before, but you really like having your house clean and the baby taken care of, that's very different.
And no one is suggesting that wives should be on the ready "24/7," but I think wives should want to have sex with their husbands, in a vacuum. Now, if the wife is so busy that she doesn't have time to give in to her physical urges, that's understandable. Any of this making sense? Put differently, if the wife says "I need your help, because I want to have sex but I'm too busy," that's one thing. It's another to say "do the dishes, and then you can have sex."
Any of this making sense?