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Masturbation vs Sex
My husband and I are recently married (2 months now) and have spent most of our dating time in a LDR, only seeing each other on weekends. The sex has always been good, he is the only one who has given me an orgasm during intercourse. I was sexually active for 7 years before I had an orgasm during intercourse. But despite this, I have a few issues about our sex life but we have discussed these issues many times before.
1st Issue: We will talk about having sex for three days. We will kinda pick a date and plan on having sex then due to our schedules. Well, needless to say that day will come and go. I will then find out later that he masturbated earlier that day. He can usually only orgasm once a day. So then the question arrises, why does he choose masturbation over having sex with me? His sex drive isn't the issue, he will orgasm everyday and it is usually because he masturbates (we have sex about once a week). It is just frustrating because we will talk and even plan about having it more often (because I want it every night but he doesn't). I choose not to masturbate because if I do then it takes me awhile to get back to where I can orgasm during intercourse. I save my orgasms for him, because he does try to please me but I get off about one in every 5 times we have sex.
2nd Issue: He does little foreplay and has never tried to just get me off. Like I mentioned earlier, I only get off about one in every 5 times we have sex and we only have sex about once a week. Which equals about 2 orgasms every 3 months. He goes down on me about once every 6 months or so and never fingers me. We have talked about what else could be done and he says he will, but then when the time comes around it does not happen.
All of this gets me down. I have never had to deal with this before and I do not know how to make sure I am happy sexually without ruining the excitement and please we have 1/5 of the time we have intercourse (which is amazing).
Any advice?
Re: Masturbation vs Sex
Guys masturbate because they have an urge. Plain and simple; it has nothing to do with you or your sex life with him.
Where is your communication? YOu need to discuss this with him, along with the rest of the issues you've pointed out to us.
I have to masturbate or else I'll be walking around work with a raging erection. It has nothing to do with wanting to have sex with my wife. It is more of a maintenance issue.
Sex is awesome. However, stress and schedules prohibit DW and I from getting it on like red dawn every night. It'll happen when it happens. Stop trying to plan it.
Um, wut? Are you for real? This is your problem right here. What the helll does he do?
I don't mind that he masturbates, I masturbate when sex isn't an option. It is an issue when we discuss and I'll say that I'll be back in an hour lets have sex then (and it has been about a week since the last time we had sex). And then I come home to find out he masturbated instead of waiting that hour for me to get home.
I do talk about this to him and I think I am willing and open. I try to be spontaneous but he is uninterested when I just spring it on him any time. My sex drive is a bit higher than his (we are 9 years apart in age) and the "planning" is a way to kinda compromise without me having to be turned down every night and without him being pressured or begged daily. It also gives us something to look forward to and build up to.
He wont masturbate in front of me or with me. He is very into the basics (missionary, doggy) and doesn't wonder much outside of that. I can only get off when I am on top and he always pushes for me to be on top and tries to get me to orgasm. He talks about what he loves (or loved) to do but then will never do it (i.e. going down on a girl or other unusual sex positions).
I've tried to introduce new things, tried to get him to talk about what he wants. But all he says is "everything is great, I love you, I'm sorry." But I don't want him to feel bad about this. I'm more or less just trying to understand and wondering what I can do to help me get what I want out of this without being upset or hurt over it. I love him and he is a great man. Just looking for a little advise on the topic.
So he'll talk about going down on other girls, but he won't go down on you? And even when you clearly tell him there's a problem, all he says is "everything is fine, sorry, I love you"
You guys need counseling stat. Preferably someone who specializes in sex therapy. You are already feeling badly. Maybe he needs to feel a bit badly in order for some changes to be made.
When you guys have plans and he doesn't wait for you, what does he say? It seems like this is a huge problem here.
A PP said that guys just have urges and act on them, which is correct. However, when a once a week plan is made, it is in no way unreasonable to just wait. It's only one day a week, at most it seems.
Well it's something that either YOU can't supply (like if he's gay/bi) or it's something that he is too embarassed to let you know about,...either and infatuation with another woman, or possibly a fetish or perversion.....
When you make an arrangement to have sex at a partikcular time and then he masturbates 'to avoid sex', you have presumably demanded to know why(?).......What does he give as the reason?
It does seem to me that you don't really know much about his sexual make and since he won't tell you, you could try to 'map' his sexual personality by discrete investigation and by asking him loaded but apparently casual questions. Try to peep in on his masturbation or set up a voice recorder,...you're looking for anythin that might give you a clue. You can also ask a 'casual' question to fire his response to something sexual,...next time you are having breakfast tell him that since he does'nt "have the time to give you much sex" you are thinking of asking one of your male friends to bed you regularly,..ask him who would be best and why,....get into a discussion of what makes a man sexually pleasing and fullfilling and see what comes out of the conversation.
If he readily agrees to the idea of you having a lover ask him straight out if hes gay or he just wants to watch and wank!...watch his reaction but keep it a light chat and don't be reproving or rule anything out....
Okay, I'll skip over the spying and focus on the advice of "casually" asking him which of his friends would be the best to have an affair with. WTF old man. If you're going to give advice like that, go ahead and explain exactly why floating out that she is considering an affair with one of his friends is going to help the OP and her H out.
OP: Don't do anything that oldbugle said. Good lord.
Is anyone else bothered that the orgasm is the goal? Why is there a maximum of one sexual escapade per day? Just because he isn't likely to ejaculate doesn't mean you can't have sex. You need to eliminate the orgasm as this ultimiate finish line that you've failed if you haven't reached. Learn to enjoy the journey and your satisfaction with your sex life will improve.
If planning your sexual encounters in advance works for you, awesome. But, since this is a method that was set up as a compromise due to his lower sex drive, he should make an effort to stick to it. He can hold out for a few hours when he knows you have a "date" later.
Or, if he does masturbate beforehand, he should suck it up and have sex with you anyway, even if he knows he's not likely to orgasm. He got his rocks off, now it's your turn. It's only going to breed resentment between you two if he gets the Queen of Sheba treatment in the bedroom and whatever happens with you is secondary. There should be a continuous back-and-forth on who is getting preference in any particular session.
If you'd like him to try new things, try to suggest them in a really excited, really fun way, instead of having a grave sit down and saying, "You need to try to do this, this and this--and, break." Go, "Hey! I was thinking we should try this position tonight. It sounds like fun! Wanna!?"
It really sounds like he's not too interested in meeting your needs. Obviously, he doesn't need to "be in the mood" to go down on you (which he allegedly like to do, right?), for example.
I'm sure you've already been clear about what you'd like, but I guess keep it up and see if anything changes. You've only been living together for a little while, so who knows, maybe he'll figure it out eventually. If that doesn't work, maybe try a sex therapist. He might be more convinced by a person with authority on the subject. It just sucks that he won't listen to you.
Btw, does he ever have a reason when you asked why he didn't wait for you?
"I don't know" sure doesn't seem like a good answer to me. My only advice is to make sure he knows this is a big problem for you (as it should be). Maybe make a really simple list to show him.
1. You have sex a lot less than you'd like, and on the infrequent days that you two have plans to have sex, he ruins it by whacking off (with no explanation why). Then, he doesn't make any effort to satisfy you (e.g. with oral, manual, etc.).
2. In addition to infrequent sex, he doesn't meet your needs with foreplay.
3. He won't go down on you or anything else that is not missionary/doggy style sex, despite overtures that he likes giving oral sex and other positions.
I think you need to stop accepting his half-assed "I don't know" answers too. Press him on these things. I don't have much else to say. I can see how this could get infuriatingly frustrating.
Agreed. It's fine if he has a hard time expressing his reasons, but if all you're getting is "I don't know, I'm sorry," it's hard to go about solving the problem.
Sorry for the "O" spiel--your original post included a lot of math based on when he orgasms, when you orgasm, and an overtone of, "well, he came, so today's out the window."
I don't know that "I'm too tired" or "I'm not in the mood" is a good enough excuse. Maybe occasionally, but there are a lot of relationships where one person will feel this way, but engage anyway in an effort to make their partner happy. A lot of women have to start having sex even though they're not in the mood because women are wired not to be aroused until the ball is already rolling.
I would think about counseling. A professional can study your specific style of interaction with each other, weigh it against where each of you is coming from, and may give you a mindset and/or some communication techniques that can work you over this hump.
So what you're saying is, this guy would rather masturbate than have sex with you, doesn't bother to get you off four out of five times, and tells you all about how he loved doing things with other women that he won't do with you?
Forget counseling, or talking to him a different way, or seducing him - you can't turn this sow's ear into a silk purse, or even just not a selfish jerk who's crappy in bed. A better use for your time would be figuring out why you thought a guy like this seemed like a keeper.
So to recap, you married a selfish lover who gets his rocks off by having power over your sex life and making you suffer (withholding sex by masturbating; telling you about what he did with past girlfriends but refuses to do with you).
Real prince you got there.
And I refuse to believe he's an awesome guy outside the bedroom as well - selfish in bed, selfish in life. I guess give him a chance to shape up by seeing a counselor, but if he doesn't see a problem or want to change, then he's not going to. Up to you whether you can live with the status quo for the rest of your life.
Have you thought about introducing sex toys? If he can't get off and you want to have sex, maybe he could use a vibrator or dildo on you a couple times a week to help. The fact that he never tries to get you off is a problem to me. Do you think it's possible that he feels like he doesn't know what he's doing, and he's shy about trying to get you off that way because he thinks he might do it wrong or you might not like it?
I think it might be time to take matters into your own hands (no pun intended, lol). If he won't use a dildo or something on you, maybe just get one and take care of it yourself. When you're messing around, before you have intercourse, just take his hand and put it between your legs and see if he'll take the hint.
I would tell him to go get a physical examination by his doctor. I am being serious about that. Low sex drive or other issues (especially ejaculation abilities) can be indicative of heart troubles or blood-pressure issues. There is also the thought of Diabetes. If he has a complete workup I would see if there wasn't an issue with hormone levels as well.
All of that being said, his masturbation habits were established LONG before you came along. Also, I am pretty sure he can ejaculate and orgasm more than once a day. If not, then he needs to get evaluated by a doctor ASAP.
Masturbate when you want to masturbate. You don't have to save your orgasms for him. Masturbation is about self-gratification. I would worry about orgasm later. You can't predict it and so its best to let things be the way they are going to be.
You are trying to plan this whole thing way too much. Have sex and enjoy the sex. When you can't have sex (for whatever reason) enjoy time to yourself.
Listen to Kuus, she knows her shiit!
(Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
(Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
Now we're getting somewhere. You mentioned his porn videos. Could it be that he has masturbated so long to porn that his mind automatically associates masturbation with orgasm? To the point that sex with a normal woman is rare...Stop and think about it. If he's masturbating to porn with your knowledge/consent, he's almost assuredly doing it WITHOUT your knowledge. Does he spend a lot of time on line? Facebook, MySpace and thousands of other websites give people the opportunity to "view" pictures, movies and have "cyber sex" that can destroy a marriage.( I'm speaking from experience. I was told that masturbation was "easier" than real sex. He never initiates sex and when we have it, I have to be on top.) The 2 of you need to get a handle on this NOW. I would suggest counseling and/or therapy. He may really be addicted to porn. I hope not.
http://www.sexualrecovery.com/pornography-addiction.php