Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Totally Flameable Confession (long)
This is an AE. I have friends IRL on the nest and I'd rather they not know this.
I have a problem.
I'm bisexual, I've been married for four years, and every once in awhile I am nearly overwhelmed with the desire to be with a woman. Last year I almost cheated on my husband with another married woman. We thought about having an affair under the condition that it was just sex and we would never try to get each other to leave our marriages, but then I found out I was pregnant and didn't go through with it.
Even just the fact that I was thinking about it makes me feel horrible. I know there is absolutely no excuse for what I almost did, and I hate myself for even considering it.
I love my husband and our baby so much and I would never want to hurt them. I would never want to disrupt my baby's life by having an affair and putting my marriage in jeopardy. I know I can't go through with it, but I just can't stop thinking about it.It's driving me insane. My husband is great in bed, but whenever he gets stressed he doesn't want to have sex, and I think that's part of the problem.
We were in the middle of a dry spell when I thought about cheating, and I know it's not his fault at all, but our sex life really hasn't been great since our son was born. He's not sleeping through the night yet and DH and I are just so tired, and when we do have sex its usually a quickie because DS could wake up at any time.
I'm sure our sex life will get back on track eventually, but part of me wishes my DH was a little more willing to indulge the bisexual in me. He would never have a threesome, which I understand, but I still wish he would think about it. He also refuses to watch porn, which makes me sad, because I feel like if he'd watch girl-on-girl porn with me that might help a little.
I just don't know what to do. I really want to stay faithful to my husband, but I feel like the desire to be with a woman is eating me alive. I keep telling myself that if I was in a relationship with a woman I'd feel the exact same way about being with a man, so I should just deal with it.
I will not cheat. I can't do that to my family. But any suggestions on how to deal with this? I want to stop feeling this way.
Re: Totally Flameable Confession (long)
I had a girlfriend in high school but we just made out. I met my Dh when we were 19 and we've been together ever since.
Is your H aware of any of this?
He knew I was bisexual before we got married. The summer before last, I told him I was struggling with the temptation of wanting to be with a woman. We talked about it, he was very understanding, but he has no idea that I almost had an affair or that it's still bothering me.
The only way to begin to deal with this is to be honest with your husband. You have got to be straightforward with him about your sexuality. Ideally, it would've been better to tell him before the marriage. These feelings just don't go away because you choose to deny them (which I assume you assumed was the case when you decided to go through with marrying him).
I will reiterate that you cannot just make these feelings go away. It sounds like it is a part of you. The only way to deal with them is to discuss the feeling with your husband and try to find options on dealing with them. Will he comfortable with you having relations with another woman? If not, you may have to re-evaluate staying in the marriage, as it won't be fair to him, nor will it be feasible for you to continue denying your feelings/desires.
I'm not going to lie, it's a tough position to be in, given you are married, but you more or less got yourself into this position, so it's for you to now deal with the consequences.
GL
I can't. We have a child.
I'll just have to be frustrated forever.
Alternatively, I guess the bandaid solution is to bring up the lack of sex and that you need more. I generally call shenanigans on work stress being a valid excuse for an on-going dry spell. Sometimes, you just have to do what you gotta do.
The last time we talked about it I was sobbing because I was so upset. He asked me if I was thinking of leaving him and I said no, and I absolutely am not. So I think he knows how frustrated I was, but I don't think he knows that I still feel this way sometimes.
Also, I have a stronger sex drive than he does, so a dry spell to me isn't necessarily one to him. For instance, I kind of consider what we're going through now a dry spell, even though we usually have sex once a week. It's just that it's so rushed and not very imaginative because he's so tired and stressed. I feel totally satisfied with our sex life when things are good, but to me things being good means having sex at least 5 times a week, sometimes multiple times a day, and I'm not so into the garden variety sex all the time. I like things kinda kinky but we just don't have the time/energy for that right now.
I never post here, but I found this thread and thought I would give my $0.02 since I am in a similar situation. I'm bisexual as well. And most of the time, I am more physically and sexually attracted to women. But I am in love with and in a long term relationship with a man. The only difference is that he is fully supportive of me and my needs. With us, I am allowed to have a relationship (just sexual or also romantic) with other women. He can either be involved with her as well or not involved at all. I actually prefer him being involved, but that doesn't always happen. This has worked well for us, but I know it's not for everyone.
I think you should sit down with your husband and really have a heart-to-heart with him about what you are feeling. You can't help who you are attracted to and this is causing you pain. Let him know that your desires for other women have nothing to do with him and your attraction to him. Also let him know that you do not want to leave him. But you two do need to discuss this and find a way to fulfill your needs that won't be hurting him.
And most importantly, you need to figure out what it is that will fulfill you. Does your attraction and desire for women begin and end with physical sex? Or do you crave an actual romantic and intimate relationship with one? Would being able to openly fantasize about women be enough? Would watching girl-on-girl porn and masturbating or playing with toys be enough? Would this be something that you would want to do on your own.... could you make it a part of your sex life with him?
I know how difficult it can be when you have conflicting feelings about your sexuality. Take the time to really think about what you need to be fulfilled and go from there. I'd also suggest some therapy so that you can express your thoughts and feelings to a non-invested party. Good luck and I hope you work something out between you and your husband.
Thanks for your reply. I really don't think my husband would be fine with me having another relationship, and I can't blame him for that. I wouldn't want him to be with anyone else eitehr. I wouldn't want a romantic relationship with a woman, just sex, but there is just no way he is ever going to be okay with that.
I'm not at all considering leaving him, but even if I did, I'd be even more miserable. I'm in love with him and losing him and our family would break my heart. It's not like I would all of a sudden be free, because I would really miss him and everything we have.
If I was with a woman, I would miss being with a man, so that wouldn't really solve anything. And I know I wouldn't be satisfied just sleeping around with random men/women, because I want to be in a real, committed relationship.
Maybe I just need to come to terms with the fact that this is my life. This is the life I chose, the grass is not always greener, and nothing is perfect. I really only feel like this when we're going through a sexual dry spell, so I should just wait it out. And maybe get myself a subscription to playboy
What I kind of keep seeing you say here, is almost a "woe is me" kind of attitude.
It seems like you've established that you will not ever be with a woman again, because you are choosing your marriage instead, as your husband will not ever support you having any type of relationship with a woman.
Perhaps you need to take all of the energy that you are using in feeling down for yourself and your situation, and put it to good, productive use in improving your sex life with your husband.
It sounds to me like if your sex life with the hubs was more satisfying to you, you wouldn't feel this strong urge to spice up your life with a woman.
Have another talk with him about this, except this time focus on what you *need* to feel fulfilled in your relationship with your husband. I think he doesn't quite understand how something like watching girl on girl porn with you could make you feel more satisfied in your life with him. And he may need to go out on a limb with some things like that.
Maybe even go to some sex counseling type sessions as well - that could lead to more productive conversations and ideas. It's clear that you'd rather work on your marriage, than cheat with a woman, and I think that's a good start.
Thank you for your reply. I actually just talked to him about what we can do to make things more interesting, and he said I can order whatever I want from good vibrations and he'll try it with me.
I know he's not into porn (he knew some guys who got totally hooked on it and it kinda ruined their lives), but I will just talk to him about it again and see if he'd be willing to try it. Maybe I'll ease him into it with the soft-core variety.
I'm feeling pretty hopeful after our talk and I'm sure that once our sex life gets better I'll feel better. If not then I'll talk to a professional.
I don't post here either, but maybe your DH would be into the idea. I know its not the most healthy idea, but I know a few men that don 't consider it cheating if its with another woman. Mine would want to watch
Just because you are bisexual doesn't mean that you can't be monogamous.
I think some of this could be attributed to the fact that you met your H at 19 and haven't gotten the chance to date other women or men. The stress and exhaustion from a new baby certainly doesn't help.
I think you need to do two things here (1) be completely honest with him - let him read this post and (2) you two need to go to counseling together to work on this.
He might see all of this and then think, you know what, renting a porn with girl on girl action and watching my wife masturbate is not so hard.
Communication and compromise are going to be key for you. If the idea of letting him read this post is absolutely out of the question, then you need to talk to a counselor on your own first and figure out what you want.
Thanks for your advice.
The more I think about this, the more I'm convinced that this has less to do with me being bisexual and more to do with me being unsatisfied with our relationship. The last time I felt this way it was right when the honeymoon phase of our marriage was ending and I was feeling really lost and confused.
I think the reason I'm feeling like this now is because of the aforementioned dry spell in our sex life. I've been really depressed lately because we haven't even been sleeping in the same bed for the past few months. Our son will not sleep alone, so he was sleeping with us, but then he started to take up too much room, so now DH sleeps on the couch
We are planning on remedying that situation and transferring our son to his own bed next month (he's sick right now so we're going to wait until he's better), and I really hope that once I'm feeling intimate with my husband again the urge to be with a woman dissipates.
I am putting forth the idea that perhaps you have a sexual addiction? I say this in the nicest way possible and with real concern. Either that or some other emotional issue that is driving your need to have a committed, involved relationship with a woman?
It sounds to me like either it is all about sex and you are afraid to admit that you just want to boink another woman frequently over a long period of time. Either that, or you are fundamentally dissatisfied with your choice to marry a man. It sounds like a very compromising, scary and heart-breaking situation to find yourself in. I am sorry that you are having to go through this struggle.
How was your relationship with your mother? How is it now? There is something that seems a little bit off or like there is more to your story than you are letting on. I am sensing some attachment issue or something very deeply rooted that is causing this conflict.
No matter what I hope that you are able to get the help you need to help you with this issue. I would sincerely recommend talking to a professional who can help you sort our your feelings. It couldn't hurt to do some couples counseling either. Both of you deserve relationships that are fulfilling in and out of the bedroom. Your child deserves parents that are 100% committed to each other. I hope you get what you need.
I don't think I have a sexual addiction because its not as though I can't control myself. I was under the impression that sex addicts have sex with whomever, whenever? I have turned down lots of opportunities for sex, even when I really wanted it. I think I definitely have a very strong sex drive and I know I want it a LOT, but I wouldn't say I'm addicted.
As for needing a comitted, involved relationship with another woman, I do sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed with my high school girlfriend. I guess what I probably should have mentioned above is that we didn't break up because we didn't love each other, we broke up because I was raised in a very strict religious home and I would literally wake up at night crying because I was terrified that God wouldn't love me anymore and I'd go to hell. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it nearly destroyed me. I guess I have never felt closure from that relatioship because we really did love each other (even though we were just kids), and I was pretty much devastated over losing her until I met my husband.
I am not going to lie, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have married him. Not because I am not attracted to men, but because I had a lot of issues I really should have sorted out before committing to anyone. But we're married, and I love him, and I'm in love with him, and when our sex life is great, it's really, really great. I guess I just thought that if I was married I wouldn't have to deal with wanting to screw random men/women, because I could screw my husband whenever I want.
Yes, I was very dumb. But when you're weighing your eternal salvation versus sex, it's difficult to choose sex. Ugh, I am a mess. Why did you have to reply to this thread? lol.
Oh god, what am I going to do?
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that this has more to do with your unhappiness with the status quo of your marriage then your sexuality.
You are looking for the 'greener grass'. You will always be looking for those greener pastures until you become satisfied in your life and your marriage. However, that doesn't mean you should settle.
But the power is in your hands to try to find out WHY you tend to become dissatsified with your life. I suggest you talk to a therapist/counsellor to figure that part out. I would also suggest couples counselling for you and your husband to find a way to find happinesss again and satisfaction in your marriage.
This seems like a solvable situation, provided you both are willing to put the work into fixing it.
GL.
I feel so sorry for you and your predicament and sincerely hope you eventually find a more fullfilling happiness........
However, your husband could be a bit more understanding, and he could look inside himself and find a little more kindness!!......
.....and if he can't find any then he should damn well look a lot harder!!
Honestly, I don't even know anyone that's bisexual, so I hoping I'm not offending you when I say this, but bisexual or not, I don't understand why you can't remain monogamous to your husband. I only like men; that doesn't mean that I don't find other men attractive and wonder what sex would be like with them. That doesn't mean I'm going to hop the next guy I see and do him though.
I also don't think it's fair to say it's on your husband that he can't be more understanding of your bisexual nature. My husband would never approve of me sleeping with anyone else, male or female, just because I had an itch. Yeah, he can help improve the sex you guys are having now, but I don't think he should have to find a way to help your issue with wanting to sleep with another woman.
I'm glad though, you've realized it seems to be more about your relationship that your attraction to other women, and I hope y'all can improve things. Good luck!
(Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
(Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
Do you KNOW that he wouldn't let you be with a woman, or are you just assuming that because you think another person = cheating?
I am bisexual as well, and have only had serious relationships with men, who have ALL given me the OK to do whatever I'd like with women. Most men that I know, if their GFs/wives are bisexual, have a "women yes/men no" policy. It's extremely common. Guys are usually turned on by it, actually. You should find out for sure from your husband before you throw yourself into this eternal "woe is me, I'm so unfulfilled" mindset.
Just saying--it isn't cheating if everyone involved has signed off on it.
Wow.
Thanks, that feels good.
First of all, I don't think it's your place to tell someone whether they are bisexual or not. I've known I was bisexual for over ten years now, it's not a passing phase because I'm bored.
I've admitted that I'm sexually frustrated and that's the main problem, sometimes you just need to say (or write) something in order to get to the bottom of how you're really feeling. I feel like I did that before you came in here and told me I sound stupid.
Clearly this has been linked all over the place, judging from the astronimical view count, but I just needed a place to vent and I did that and now I see things more clearly.
I'm aware that our baby sleeping in bed with me is causing problems, and while I'm sure that it's usually the woman that insists on this arrangement, that's not the case in our marriage. My husband is the one who wanted to bedshare with our son from the start because it was the easiest way to get him to sleep. It was fine when he was much smaller (though I would have preferred for him to stay in his crib), but it's only recently become a problem. I have told my husband repeatedly that I'm frustrated with the way things are and want him in his own bed, but he cannot stand to let him cry or have him be upset at all, and he won't agree to helping me make the transition. About a week ago we got in a fight about it because I'm sick of sleeping without my husband and he just doesn't seem to care. I pretty much had to beg him to help me think of a new sleeping arrangement that would benefit all of us, because he is fine with the status quo. I think secretly he doesn't care because I'm the only one who has to get up with our son while he gets uninterrupted rest.
Anyway, I did mention above that we are moving him to his own bed in his own room so things can get back to normal. We are just waiting for my husband to go on vacation from work so that losing sleep won't affect him as much.
And to the person who said I'm making all bisexuals look bad? Very sorry, but honestly, do you really think that's the case? If I was a heterosexual thinking of having an affair, do you think a bunch of people who be here saying "stop making heterosexuals look bad?" Get a grip.
YGPM.
Oy.
My DH is NOT a jerk. He just can't handle listening to our son cry. No, he's not perfect, but neither am I, clearly. Like I said, we have reached a compromise on both fronts.