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A terrible antithesis: VENT
My mom called me last night and told me that she is divorcing my dad because of some serious and bad behavior on his part that he won't own up to or attempt to resolve. Now I know this is much more common than it used to be, and that I'm grown up and moved out, but I still feel like I've been lied to all my life. And at my wedding, less than 3 months ago... what was all that being in love crap they pulled? We even gave them a dance at the reception because it was the week of their 25th wedding anniversary. Silly me, and I was counting on my marriage lasting "till death do us part."
Thanks for listening. The divorce is in its beginning stages, so there's not a lot of people I can vent about this to yet.
What are your individual takes about divorce, just out of curiosity? While we obviously were not planning on divorcing when we got married, is divorce an option for you and your husband?
Re: A terrible antithesis: VENT
I'm really sorry about your parents!
I agree with stu, I believe it to be the absolute LAST resort. I do feel there are exceptions such as violence and cheating but just to divorce for the sake of getting out of your relationship doesn't sit well with me. HH and I both agree we are definitely in this till death do us part =]
I am so sorry to hear about your parents. I agree w/ PP that it can be necessary but I also view it as a last resort. My parents got divorced after 18 years of marriage when I was 13. I was going through enough awkward times in my life already and a divorce on top of that was really crazy. But it was for the best. My dad is a lying, cheating, emotional and physical abuser. My mother tried to make the marriage work but in the end, he would never change. Now she is happily remarried and has a man who truly appreciates her for who she is.
My HH parents are also divorced, but they divorced when he was 5. So he really never knew anything different. Both of his parents now say they wish they stuck it out and went to counseling but they are also both not happily remarried. So its tough, I think its a really big decision and I dont think being an adult and out of the house really makes it that much easier.
Divorce is something that all though it affects other people it is between the two people that are going through it. They are saying something that they worked on for so long is broken and irreparable. You need to be there for them both although it may be hard. I am sure they were still struggling to make it work even at your wedding. It wasn't a lie it was them holding it together. Parents do that for their kids. It sometimes does more damage than good but that is what it is.
I know this is hard on you but think how hard it was for your mom to make that phone call and tell you. Think about how hard it was for her to find out whatever your father did and that she probibly is feeling the same way you are. Lied to deceived and that her whole life that she lead up to this point was a lie. It feels like you are in a black hole with no way out! Its hard and horrible!
Hugs hang in there! Sorry you are feeling the way you are and we are all here for you.
I'm so sorry to hear about that.
I think, like you said, that it must be especially hard to have this news coming so soon on the heels of your own wedding.
Matt and I have a very conservative-Christian view of divorce. Basically, in my mind, it's only an option in cases involving of one of the three A's-- adultery, abuse, or abandonment.
My parents started dating in high school, too, and 30-odd years later, their marriage is still very strong. There has never been a divorce in my family on either side that I am aware of. Ever. Matt's family is the complete opposite; everyone in it who is married got married 10 years ago or less. EVERYONE in his family (both sides) who is not currently in a newish marriage has been divorced at least once.
It was hard for me to realize that my MIL views me as the mother of her future grandchildren but probably expects me to only be in Matt's life for 3-7 more years. Matt and his brother have always been determined to turn around their sucky family legacy of alcoholism, mental illness, welfare, toxic relationships, and divorce. I'm worried about BIL and his wife right now, though. He's making some really unwise choices (siding with his mother instead of his wife and supporting his mom financially behind his wife's back), and I'm afraid for what that means for his marriage. I would hate to see anything happen to them because I love them both to death. Also, she and I rely on each other to help deal with this nutso family!
This exactly. I always find myself agreeing completely with what katy says; our view points are almost identical on most things!
I am so sorry hun.
It is definitely something Aaron and I have discussed. His parents had a really nasty divorce when he was a teenager so I was worried that would effect the way he looked at getting married. Everyone on my side of the family is still married after 30+ years. He reminded me that his dad is the only one out of the family to get a divorce. All his aunts and uncles have been married even longer than mine have. His grandparents are coming up on 70 years married. Although he loves his dad, he uses his grandfather as more of a role model in life.
I am so sorry to hear about your parents. I don't think it's easy to see your parents separate at any age.
My parents are still together and have been married 40 years but I know there were times they considered divorce for whatever reason. My best friend's parents were told her they were getting divorced when we were in colllege (we were college roommates) and it was heart breaking to see her try to deal with it.
My views are pretty much what others have said. It's not an option just to get out of the marriage. If there is abuse, divorce would be the only option, if our views on children change and are drastically opposite, I would consider divorce.
Thanks so much for caring and commenting, even tho I'm not the most well-known poster on here! I'm sure once we see things working out it'll be easier. It is definitely for the best-not just for my parents but for my little sister as well who still lives at home. It's really reassuring to see how some of you have divorce in the family, and still can feel really good about getting married. I'm so glad to hear about some of your relatives who have found much better second marriages... I hope we'll eventually move on in my family.
I'm so sorry to hear about your parents. My HH's parents divorced when he was a freshman in college. His mom wound up having an affair, it was a mess. Thank god they are amicable now. My HH had a hard time with it, it was devastating, regardless of how old you are. It didn't seem to affect his view of marriage. He was always under the impression that his parents got married because she was pregnant with him.
My parents on the other hand, just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary and to be honest I wonder sometimes how they never got divorced!! HA
I don't know that we've ever really thought about divorce or talked about it. We both agree that we entered this marriage as forever. We've been together 10 years already, so I guess it never really crossed our minds, even with his parents situation. I do believe divorce is ok, but I dont like that it can be used as a cop-out. Marriage takes work, you can just run away at the first sign of trouble.
Please vent anytime you need to, and don't feel that because you are an adult that your parents divorce can't affect you. So many ppl get caught up in the kids and divorce that they forget to think about the grown children. It affects you at any age.
We are all here for you *hugs*
Sorry to hear about your parents.
There have only been two divorces in my family with one being the result of an affair. So I don't have a lot of experience with it and was definitely raised to believe that marriage is forever and you only get a divorce in the case of adultery or abuse. However I think that if you've tried everything possible and still can't make it work then divorce should be considered because no one deserves a life of unhappiness.