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From no sex to no sex.....
My husband and I got married one month ago and I was a virgin when we got married.
I think we have had sex maybe 4 times since then....including our honeymoon. It hurt like a mother the first few times, but the last time...it didn't hurt!
He's been working overtime since March..50 hour weeks...and he says he's tired all the time...aka too tired for sex.
I am so frustrated right now. I am thankful that he has a great job, but I've waited so long to have sex with him and now....nothing. I've told him when he's tired we should do it anyway...even if I can't climax and he is completely against it.
I don't know what to do. I wear sexy lingerie under my clothes and tell him I would like to be intimate, but he doesn't even want to make-out...maybe it's not that he doesn't want to but he resists any advances I make...it's starting to effect my self-confidence a bit.
Any advice? Thank you!
Re: From no sex to no sex.....
My only advice is to change your screen name since it's your email.
Have you tried talking to him?
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I usually wake my guy up by playing and sucking on him. He usually wakes up horny and can't wait to have sex. If he just lets me play with him when he gets hard enough I just get on top of him. He likes it because its more adventerous for us.
Is he working overtime temporarily, or is this going to be a fairly regular thing? It's fair when you're working 10 hours of overtime for months on end to be tired. But if your home lives are suffering on account of it, it shouldn't continue for too much longer. I've learned from experience that personal happiness is more valuable than extra money.
What kind of sex are you trying to have? Are you trying for positions/activities that are especially taxing on him? Try things where he can just lie back and enjoy... at least, at first, to get him interested. Oral, WOT, etc. Maybe, once he's into it, he'll muster up the motivation to be more involved.
Did you two talk about sex before you got married? Do you even know what turns him on?
I'm wondering if a lot of this is just because you have an unrealistic expectation. You've only been married a month and had sex 4 times, no that's not a lot but it might not be something to worry too much about.
It IS hard after you first get married, move in with a guy, you want sex all the time but at the same time you also need to keep up with your regular routines (work,cooking, cleaning, exercise...all that fun stuff) and it CAN make you incredibly tired. Do you spend your evenings together? have a night to relax together and try then or wait until the weekend and try in the morning.
Ultimately though you need to talk to him (outside of the bedroom when sex at the moment is off the table). Don't blame, don't attack but let him know that you thought that once you got married you'd be having sex #times a week, and ask him what he thinks. Let him know that you realize he's stressed but you as a couple need to make more time for each other (and at the same time you won't have these unrealistic expectations. Remember at the same time sex does not equal love, it does not mean that he doesn't think you're sexy because he wants it less than you.
I'm only working part time right now, so I'm doing all the house work, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. We have about 2 hours from when we eat dinner until he goes to bed every night.
Things have been rough lately for us with stressful situations like my car breaking down and a family feud on his side....he told me monday that he is 'too mad' to have sex right now.
The overtime will be in effect for awhile...atleast through October.
I was worried before we got married that our sex life would be minimal( because we didn't makeout or fool around before our wedding since about April) and he assured me it wouldn't be.
I can ask him how many times a week he would like to have sex, but if he is too tired and only wants it on the weekends...should I just be ok with that? I feel like at least once during the week we should have sex. Is that selfish of me? :0(
no that's not selfish you both have to compromise. It does sound like a LOT has happened in one month though. 2 hours before bed after you eat is pretty decent(that's pretty much the same as me and H). When you talk to him I'd suggest having a date night, or just a day once or twice a week that's pretty set that you'll spend time together (you don't HAVE to have sex that night every night but it'll give the opportunity).
At the same time I do find it a little odd that you didn't make out or kiss a lot before you got married, I get that you wanted to save yourselves but is he feeling an actual problem with intimacy? Does he masturbate often? (sometimes if a guy is masturbating a lot their sex drive can actually decrease). Is he afraid that he's not pleasing you? Is he under the mindset that 'it's wrong" or anything like that?
Could be he is tired --- and the first year of marriage is an adjustment period. And not every newlywed couple is humping away every hour or so. Don't believe what you've heard or read.
You pick up the ball -- he's in the shower, you jump in. Let nature take its course. GL.
It sounds like life is just kind of nuts for both of you right now. And October isn't forever away. Maybe give it some time and see if the dust settling doesn't allow for things to pick back up naturally. Sometimes life just gets in the way...
If things still suck when your lives aren't hectic, that's when I'd start getting really motivated to fix things.
I would say while he's working overtime saving it for the weekends is a fair compromise... but if you've only had sex 4 times does that mean he's avoiding it on the weekends too? I know personally that I kept cramming too many activities on the weekend when I first got married like visiting family and friends and eventually relized I needed to slow things down since we both struggled with stress and fatigue during the week as well and needed the weekends to reconnect.
For some guys "jumping them" is all good and well but it sounds like your husband has a lot on his mind right now and is pretty drained. I would try making sex a relaxing experience like cuddling in bed and watching a movie Saturday night and then having one thing lead to another when the credits role or the plot gets boring. Showering or taking a bath together might help too. Also, make sure you physically touch a lot during the week without the intent for it to lead to sex. This will build of your desire and connection with each other so that when you do have time, sex won't be a chore. You don't have to make out but kiss and hug and cuddle.... stroke his thigh... rest your head on his shoulder when you're watching TV... etc.
It does sound like his sex drive might be on the low side though if he was so hands off before your wedding... When you discussed this, did he ever talk about his excitement to have sex with you when you got married? I mean, people don't wait until they're married to have sex if they don't really want to have sex right?
I wanted to make out and mess around but he did not, so we didn't and although it relieved a lot of pressure before the wedding: now it's almost all I can think about when I see him!
He hardly ever masturbates that I know of. He always showers in the mornings...so I guess he could do it then, but he tells me he rarely does that.
I know he's upset that it hurts me sometimes and I have yet to climax during sex(which I'm not surprised at)...and when I say "So...let's do it anyway" that works sometimes :0)
Nor am I -- you 2 have communication problems so not surprising you never talked about this, either - and I am willing to bet you never masturbated.
I suggest you start right now -- and then show him what turns you on.
Counseling for you both -- the communication you have is zero.
Not with a clergy person: go to a secular counselor not affiliated with any religious entitiy. You need an objective opinion and an objective evaluation.
I am a recent newlywed as well...almost one month:) I am having the same problems and was very glad to hear I'm not alone. For me too it is affecting my self confidence and image as he just is not interested in it as much as I am. I've definitely expressed my concern to him and I almost just think he is "selfish" and if he doesn't want it, then I can't have it. He merely says he doesn't want it all the time that he's scared of doing it too much and then it not feeling good and that he just doesn't want it as much as me...I thought guys couldn't stop thinking of it!!???
He's said ideally he wants it every other day, but then he may not sometimes. I'm fine with 3 times a week but he seems more like 1-2. Is this situation crazy to be worried about? I thought couples, especially newlyweds had it almost every day and I don't feel like I'm forcing it for that reason, I truly want it. I feel like maybe I'm just not attractive to him anymore since he sees me everyday and can have it now, whenever he wants. Before we would normally only see eachother on the weekends and he was always up for it...although we were trying to save it for marriage. Just curious if this is typical of a guy. Also, I am a teacher and off for the summer...maybe just too much time to think on my hands?? Some advice please!
Another classic case of high expectations of being "Blessed" and making up for "lost time". Sorry it doesn't happen.You have to start from zero as an amateur.
The rewards for virginity are not having to worry about pregnancy, VD or deeply hurt feelings with a relationship breakup.
DH is probably bitter and disappointed that the "Super Sex" he has been waiting years for hasn't happened. He's in the "why bother mode". Probably pulling his willy twice a day to a penthouse or online porn.
Is DH worried about you "accidently" getting pregnant?
Time to wear only the lingerie without regular clothes on top. Or regular clothes without anything underneath. I've drove DH wild for years with short skirts, no underwear and open neck blouses. Meet him at the door naked. Do you wear makeup, do your hair, work out, stay slim, groom your bikini line?
I'm wondering if, because you were a virgin when you got married, you are still too passive in the relationship. Wearing sexy lingerie under your clothes or "asking him if he wants to make out" is still putting the ball in his court...to make a move, to perform, to get you to climax.
Why not clear your schedules for the weekend? Make sure Saturday mornning is free of plans (errands, visits to family), turn off the phone, and stroke him as he wakes up? If you don't feel comfortable going straight for his penis, rub his chest all over, move down, stroke his legs and inner thighs. Then move up to his penis.
If you are "night" people, instead of going out on Saturday, make a nice dinner EARLY. Pop in a movie and schedule it so that the movie is over by around 9. Hold his hand, put your hand in his lap during the film. When the movie is over plan on going to bed early.
I was a virgin also, and my DH had a very hard time with the pain I was in (and still am to some degree...it's been 3 months now). Part of the issue is extreme lack of flexibility on my part, esp in the legs. He is more bendy than I am, but then that's not saying much. So, in addition to the internal pain (some from being a virgin, but my doctors are starting to suspect endometriosis, which can also cause painful sex) I have the leg issues that basically make it painful to walk after sex. And no, we aren't doing anything crazy (usually missionary...my old back injuries don't allow for WOT, and doggy was too painful).
Anyways, before we got married, my DH was thinking he would want it every day or every other. Now he's more of the once or twice a week mode, which is fine with me. We actually anticipated a lot more drive disparity than we ended up with.
My H works 50+ a week and last night was the first time in 3 weeks that we've had sex. We dont have sex all that often and I suppose were ok with that, not thrilled but when were busy or tired it just doesnt happen. The best advice I can give you is not to force it.
"I've told him when he's tired we should do it anyway...even if I can't climax and he is completely against it."
Dont go this route. you will just end up feeling empty and worse than before. like pp said, let nature take its course. try doing other intimate things that may lead to sex. Last night we took turns giving back rubs, that turned into rubbing other things that then led to sex. Or cuddle up on the couch and watch your favorite movie while he can fall asleep, when the movie is over wake him up to "go to bed" and then make your moves. Help him to understand (and yourself too) that there is no pressure. Sex should be fun and free.
.*. We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by finding an imperfect person perfectly .*.
I can understand where he's coming from with the "too tired" thing, but it may be a good idea to take advantage of you working only part time. Maybe when he gets home from work you could have a hot bath run for him or offer him a back rub, etc. He may not be the type that sees lingerie and immediately wants sex. It may take more of an active role on your part. He also may have a problem with the pain you are going through. He may feel a little bit of guilt. Do your best to reassure him.....I went through the same thing when we had sex for the first time. At first it was difficult for H to enjoy himself bc he felt that he was hurting me so badly. It got a lot better after a few times. Hope this helps. Good luck with everything!
Lindz,
My husband and I waited until our wedding night to have sex too and I think that a couples sex life is very different for every couple. But I have heard more and more that especially in the first few months it may not always be like what you hear or see in the movies (sex all the time).
For my husband and myself it was a little stressfull bc we moved in together in a new city with new people and places looking for a new job it was a lot at once! So when my husband and I would talk about the amount of sex we weren't having we came to the conclusion it was not bc we did not love eachother or did not desire one another but unfortunatley sometimes stress can take over your mind and body and sex is not a priority anymore. So we decided to make it one and things got much better. I also prayed about it and asked the Lord to bless our sex life.
I think no matter what walk of life you are in sex is just like any other part of your marriage and sometimes it will take more work than others. But it's worth the effort!