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hypocrites...ugh...(long - sorry!)
so, i've been friends with (let's call her Olga), for 9 years now. she's married with two beautiful children.
a couple of years ago, she mentioned to me that she found herself really attracted to a man that rides the same train as her - he was the conductor. i thought it was a simple attraction/crush...nothing to lose sleep over.
well, i recently saw her at a happy hour, and she was telling me how marriage isn't easy; she was non-stop texting someone, so i assumed it was her husband. she said no, and then mentioned it was one of her friends who was going through a divorce - but she kind of made a funny face, and paused. somehow she got on the topic of this friend, and then again, mentioned how difficult marriage is; she mentioned that she and her husband (let's call him poindexter) got into a big fight, because she wanted to go on a motorcycle ride w/one of his co-workers and he got really upset. well...this co-worker just happened to be the same guy from the train that she had told me about a few years ago - and i assumed it was who she was texting.
she said that she was trying to be up-front with her husband and didn't want to go on the motorcycle w/o speaking to him first, but he apparently got very upset. he told her that it would make him look bad - his wife going out on a motorcycle with one of his co-workers (and it's not like they're all friends). she didn't see his side of it. all she kept saying was "i was being upfront". she wanted to bring up someone from her work saying "well, if you wanted to go on a motorcycle with marcia, i wouldn't care" and i wanted to slap her in the face, and remind her that she's attracted to this guy! i was really at a loss for words. i think i may have just said something like "be careful"...and she said "i would never do that to my kids"...and i just shook my head (in my mind). imo, she should have said "i would never do that to my husband". yet, when i came out and asked her if she thinks he feels an attraction to her as well, her face went completely red and she shook her head, in a shameful way.
this has bothered me tremendously since that night. this is the same girl, who years back went ballistic over her husbands friendship with a (lesbian) female co-worker. she was so concerned that he was out having threesomes with her - and doing god-knows what else. she would check his emails, voicemails, text messages constantly. then, finally, after meeting her at a work-outing...she was no longer concerned. apparently this person was really nice - and wasn't what she expected (a playboy-looking lesbian with all playboy-model looking friends).
i just don't understand people sometimes. am i being overly judgemental, or would you agree with me that this is like 1000% wrong? i would love to pick up the phone and remind her of her heartache when she thought something was up w/him and the lesbian woman. i have lost a LOT of respect for her. i feel like my friendship w/her isn't as important to me anymore.i want to tell her that she is completely WRONG for what she is doing.
ok - my rant is over...just wanted your opinions - am i being a bad friend for thinking that my friend is a complete ***?
Re: hypocrites...ugh...(long - sorry!)
I don't think you are being a bad friend. In fact, it sounds to me like you really care about her relationship with her husband and her family and that is something she should cherish. For me, I choose to be friends with people because we have a lot in common and that could be a variety of things. Some of the most important things that I look for in my friends are their values and who they are as people. What makes them laugh? What are they passionate about? What are their views on marriage, family, life, love etc? If one of my friends came up to me and said she was thinking about hanging out with some other dude other than her husband I would totally give her the side-eye. That stuff just doesn't sit well with me.
People change and relationships change. Some of my friendships have changed with people I thought were my best friends just a few years ago. But that doesn't mean anyone is at fault. Sometimes people just grow apart and it sounds to me like Olga has changed a bit so you shouldn't feel like you are being bad because she is acting a little wacky.
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I don't think you are being a bad friend. I would have lost respect for her as well. It sounds like she is one of those people that is very controlling of her husband yet wants what she wants and still be married. I think most will agree that married life doesn't work that way.
I agree with Marisa. People and friendships change over the years. Sometimes I feel like it is a cycle. That is why when you find a "true" friend, don't let them go. I guess maybe I just have high values and priorities and if someones don't match up with mine, it doesn't mean I won't talk to them, it just may mean I don't really want to be super close with them. I hate hanging out with someone and having to be careful about what I say.
No, you're not a bad friend for thinkng that. I have very little tolerance for that kind of crap. I think it just makes me sad when successful relationships come to an end over something so silly as a crush. It sounds like she's getting herself into a dangerous place for sure, and she seems to know it.
How close are you guys? If you're really pretty close, don't hesitate to tell her how you feel. She'll probably get pissed, but she'll get over it. If you're not as close, you might just continue to disapprove of her actions without laying it all out in so many words.
Hope she figures it out soon...