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Grossed out and worried...wwyd?
I have a 14 y o cousin who is really more like a little sister. My uncle and her mother divorced a few years ago and DH and I (and my parents) worry a lot about how much freedom she is given (my uncle keeps good tabs on her, but she is with her mom during the week and she is too busy with her boyfriend to really pay attention to her kids, not to mention my uncle is kind of a trusting soul). Plus, she has her cell phone/computer/camera...it is just such a different world from when we were that age! DH and I keep a close eye on what she posts on FB.
I have a second (third? w/e) cousin who is about 23. My mom and I have commented in the past few years about the attention he gives to the teenage girls in the family. He is always hanging out with them at family functions. At our wedding, he went outside with my cousin and went for a walk. We later found notes he was writing to her about how bored he was and how they should go hang out somewhere else. I had noticed them together during the wedding and alerted my mom, who mentioned it to my uncle.
Yesterday, my cousin posted on FB that she had a sports meeting (she starts HS this year) and then was heading to the campground where her dad spends the summer. The guy posts on her wall "You should have me over to hang out. Text my cell." I freaked out when I saw that and called my mom, who called my uncle and let him know. DH, my dad, and my brother all had the same reaction- what 23 year old wants to hang out with a 14 year old? There is clearly something wrong here.
DH posted a comment that said "Jeez, name, don't you have anyone your own age to hang out with?" to let him know that we were aware of that comment and that um, hi, that is freaking weird. The guy deleted his "hang out comment" within minutes of DH's comment.
I feel like I should talk to her about it (and just how often they are talking...she has his freaking cell number?), but she is 600 miles away. It isn't exactly something I want to text her about. I won't be seeing her again until Christmas. We've made my uncle aware of the situation and that it makes all of my womanly instinct go "oh hell no!" But I really worry about things when she is at her mom's house...no one watches her at all.
Would you call her up and say something? Wait until Christmas? I would be devastated if anything bad happened to her and I could have prevented it in any way. I'm also worried that telling her to stay away will just make hanging out with him more enticing...she is a teenager after all.
Re: Grossed out and worried...wwyd?
You say you're like sisters... do you talk or e-mail on a semi-regular basis? If you didn't go out of your way to call her about this, would the next time you talk to her (at all) be Christmas?
If you two regularly talk or e-mail, I would bring it up. Otherwise, I would rely on the fact that your Uncle knows... and keep him posted if you continue to see strange behavior out of your second/third cousin.
Call. Teenagers many times live in a fantasy world where nothing bad happens and no one gets hurt. They need someone willing to put reality in front of them...preferably with real life examples. In our family, we had to deal with a 13 year old niece who was posting totally inappropriate photos and comments on Facebook...which also included her hometown and name of her junior high school. We found out because my daughter is one of her friends on the site. Heather was uncomfortable and showed me what was there. I called her mom. Heather shared her page and password so the mom could see.
It takes a village!
I have to be the different one... I'm pretty sure saying anything at all to her about it will push her toward him. It's happening with my SIL and it was happening with my sister when she lived with my mom. Someone that age is going to do the oposite of what everyone wants them to do especially if they know they can get away with it.
You might have more luck talking to him about it. If her father contacts him and reminds him that he WILL take action if he finds out anything is going on it would probably scare him away and the girl wouldn't even have to know why.
Side note on my sister: she was doing very inappropriate and dangerous things on the internet. My mom tried everything including showing her news articles about girls who did that and ended up dead or raped. She didn't stop doing it and later told her therapist that she mainly did it because she was told not to and she wanted to be right.
I would talk to her, but approach it as her sister/friend rather than like an authority figure. The last thing any kid that age wants is to feel like they have more people telling them what to do. Just say that you noticed her talking to/spending time with the creepy cousin and see what she says. Maybe bring to her attention how strange it is that he doesn't hang out with people his own age. It's totally possible that she's creeped out by him but doesn't know how to say something or who to say it to. Especially since he's a family member. If she knows that you have noticed it too, she might be more willing to open up, and it can be a dialogue rather than her feeling lectured. Maybe share a bad choice/judgment you made when you were a teenager. I'd close the conversation by just making sure that she knows she can tell you anything, anytime and you won't judge her for it.
I also think that someone, probably a man up a generation (your Dad, maybe, or another trusted Uncle type) needs to lay into this creepy cousin. He needs to know that people who are authority figures to him are on to him and watching him, and watching out for the teenage girls in the family.
Thanks, ladies. I think I'm going to give her a call this week and kind of feel her out. We don't talk super regularly on the phone (mostly texts and FB messages), but I don't think it would be too weird, especially with her starting HS - I do really want her to know that a) I'm not so old that I don't remember what that was like and b) that we are here for her to talk to about anything. I think if we just talk about normal stuff and I mention that comment (she knows we saw it since DH commented on it) and that I find it a little weird it will open up that subject.
Her older brother totally gets the "we are still kind of hip to the struggles of being a teen" thing and calls DH for girl advice all the time (it is really cute), so hopefully she'll get it, too.
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