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The "kids" question
This past weekend I ran in to some old high school friends and a couple of them were talking about their kids. Soon enough the question came up about when DH and I were planning on having kids. I responded probably in a year or 2. They proceeded to question why we were waiting, listing reasons like, "You've been married for almost a year" and "you don't want to put it off too long, you're almost 30" as reasons why we should be starting now.
My response to their persistance was that we had a plan in place to ensure that we were financially ready to have kids and that waiting a year or 2 would put us in a much better position.
They wouldn't let it go! They couldn't believe that we would wait for financial reasons. They insisted that we should just start now and the money would figure itself out.
Now, am I crazy, or is waiting until we'll be more financially ready a good idea? Why would we have kids now, when we know we can't afford all the added expenses (daycare, diapers, clothes, food, etc) that comes with that?
And finally - why do people assume it's ok to be so damn pushy about this?!?!
So - from now on I will respond to the "When are you having kids" question with a simple, "Someday," and leave it at that. If they push, I'll just say I'm not interested in discussing it and change the subject.
Re: The "kids" question
First, I think it's rude to be that pushy on any subject. Second, I think waiting until you're financially ready is a great reason to wait to have kids. However, no one needs to have a reason to do anything, if you want to wait just because you want to wait, then that should have been a valid enough excuse for them to shut up. I think the only thing to keep in mind is that there will never be a *perfect* time to have kids. Just like getting married, buying a house etc. There's a good time and a bad time, but never a perfect time. As long as you're not waiting for that, then by all means, wait as long as you want.
Ashley & Josh ~ The Reef Resort ~ Grand Cayman~ May 15th 2010
being at my 10 year reunion this past weekend, i thought this was going to happen to me, but i was shocked when it didn't.
i think you are wise to wait till you and DH are ready. no need to add stress to a new situation! i'm sure if you had an opps, you would work it out, but if you want to wait, then wait!
i think sometimes people are so pushy cause they are trying to justified that they made the right choice. does that make sense?
I think our financial situation is one reason why I feel like I don't want to have kids, right now or ever, I don't know. I don't know the future, and I've stopped trying to predict it, as it always seems to change from what I pictured.
I also don't understand why more people don't take their finances into account when they decide to have kids. I know that people end up with "happy surprises" but for the people who actually plan and get PG, I just think it's the responsible thing to do to make sure you're financially stable.
My IL's are like... on our butts to have kids. My BIL & SIL always said they wanted 4 kids, but now after having their second they are both saying that they're done. So the pressure was off of us for a while, but now my FIL is just piling on the pressure. We don't go into detail when we have discussions and finances come up, but they know we aren't really established yet & our savings is pathetic. So, I just always feel like saying that us having a baby right now would be a recipe for disaster.
And seriously... finances don't "figure themselves out". I hate it when people say that.
Being financially ready is #1 on my list of things to do pre-baby. I know that figuring it out as you go works for some people, but Alex and I are hardcore planners when it comes to finances. Kids, in general, are expensive. Kids in where we live? Oy vey. You need a big enough apartment (which will cost you seven figures). Private school (starting in kindergarten) is $35,000 a year-- just under $4,000 a month. Per child. For school.
When people argue that there is no "perfect" time, I simply say, "you're absolutely right. There will never be the perfect time. But for us, there will be a planned time." Why? Because that is our choice and it is our fing kid.
People should take a daily STFU pill.
I survived the RoLex wedding and all I got was this lousy husband.
One&Only Palmilla - Los Cabos, Mexico
Couldn't have said it better myself! There never being a perfect time does not mean to jump the gun and get yourself into something you're not ready for.
Ugh I hate this question. Luckily it's died down for us. I think we've made our point quite clear...but a good response from now on is "I'm sterile, thanks". Shuts them up and usually makes them change the subject really quick.
I was always told you'll never be financially ready to have kids, but your plan is your plan regardless of reasoning. If you want to wait 2 or 10 years it's none of anyone elses damned business.
*The Wedded Plans/ Reality Bio - Updated Always*
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*~FOR SALE~*
Ditto everything Esther said!!
Luckily for us this question has died down a little bit, and nobody has ever been that pushy, but we have gotten some rude reactions. Specifically, the girl who said, "I would never have kids in my 30's. I don't want to have a Downs baby."
OMFG lady! At that point I hadn't mentioned that we wouldn't be in a place to have kids until I was around 30, but I sure as hell didn't contribute to the conversation after that!
And how!! Agreed.
I'm going to be able to afford my previously discussed private school tuition by inventing that STFU pill. And I'm going to make this girl my test subject.
I cannot believe the ignorance.
I survived the RoLex wedding and all I got was this lousy husband.
One&Only Palmilla - Los Cabos, Mexico
This. Eric and I have many reasons why we're not ready to have kids yet. Most of them are the same ones you listed. We also want to be married and in our home for a few years before. And we want to travel a lot more.
Rose, I would gladly support putting your kids through school if you could invent that pill! And trust me, the girl who said that needs to STFU about a lot of things, so she'd be a prime customer.
This exactly!
We already have one child so we always get the question: "so when is the next one coming?" Why is MY family planning THEIR business? My answer is now "never" just to end the conversation. I do think its wise to have a plan (being financially prepared, etc.) but I do not think you have to justify or explain it to anyone.