Sex & Romance
Alcoholism is not determined by how much you drink or how often, but by negative consequences in your life that do not alter your drinking habits.
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Having a partner that's HIV+
I've been seeing someone and he dropped this bombshell on me last night that he was HIV+ and has been since 1994. I remained calm and cool about it, but later that night I was beside myself.
I just don't think I can comfortably have sex with this man. I'm in health care and educated on the subject, but have never been this close to the situation.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did u handle it?
Alcoholism is not determined by how much you drink or how often, but by negative consequences in your life that do not alter your drinking habits.
Re: Having a partner that's HIV+
Thank God he was honest with you about it!
Its tough.......Being educated about it, you know there are ways to avoid getting it yourself, but damn that's scary. It only takes one broken condom....
I would move on. It sucks, its painful, but best to be honest about the fear and protect yourself.
He gets props galore for being upfront with you.
I am sorry. Do what's right for you.
Man, that's tough. I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. Definitely huge props to him for being straight forward with you. I'm sure it was really hard for him, and hard for you to hear it.
Good luck in your decision!
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I'm sorry. I'm sure it was hard to hear and hard for him to tell you.
In any relationship, you have to do what is right for you, and your child.
I'll be honest in that I probably would decide against dating someone that was HIV+.
I'm in health care too and it still scares me! You have to do what's right for you and your child...I couldn't do it.
My husband is HIV+, and I'm HIV-. I knew he was positive even before we started dating, and though there have been challenges along the way, I consider myself blessed beyond belief to be able to share my life with him. For me, the decision to date (and marry) an HIV+ man was relatively easy. I knew I loved him, and I knew that he was worth all the risk. But it was difficult for my family to accept at first, and for many people, serodiscordant relationships are not the right choice - this si especially the case in the heterosexual community where HIV education is sorely lacking.
I'm glad to see that you made the decision to break off the relationship. It takes alot of courage and maturity to enter into a magnetic relationship, and for many people, it's not the right choice. Please don't take that to mean that I belive you are immature or cowardly - I simply mean that you have to really be prepared and educated and commited even before you begin. You have to be willing to face every frightening possibility and still know that you want to be with that person no matter what. You have to be willing to face the possible impact on your health, on your other realtionships, and you have to be willing to face stigmatization, prejudice and ignorance all the time. It's not easy, and so it has to be worth it to you.
But I did want to take a moment to say that being with an HIV+ partner can be worth the risks. It is to me. If I'd turned away from my husband because of fear and stigma and misinformation, I would have missed the opportunity to share my life with the most beautiful person (inside and out) that I've ever met. I know that alot of people that replied to this thread had an "oh my God, I could never risk myself" reaction. That's ok if you feel that way, but I felt that way too, once. And I'm glad I changed my mind.
And please don't take this the wrong way, but some of the worst prejudice and stigmatization my husband and I have run into has been from people in the healthcare industry. Our HIV Specialist told us that misinformation is rampant in general health circles. There's some really great information here to help sort of the fact from the fiction: http://www.thebody.com/
Why only speak to him and hug?
I do feel bad for this guy. I mean, I can't blame you for being freaked out and not wanting to get involved. It's an honest and understandable reaction, and I'm in no way blaming you for what you decided to do. But I can't help but wonder... he can't run away from it, he doesn't have the option to not get involved in a relationship where HIV is a factor. And it's got to take a lot out of him to start to get butterflies about someone, unpack this on her, and have her turn tail. This can't be the only time it'll happen. It just sucks. He's doing the honest thing and he's getting punished for it. My heart goes out to him.
Also, as much as Magnetic says here that it's worth it, she didn't seem to entirely think so here:
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/40060235.aspx
cool, I stepped back into the early eighties....that's great though because I totally rocked that hair
ReturnOfKuus: I didn't say it's easy. It's not. But it is worth it. I believe I made that point quite clearly in my post; in fact, I believe the gist of my post was that I was sexually frustrated and was tired of encountering prejudice and ignorance when seeking advice. And just because we had some sexual problems doesn't mean our relationship is not worthwhile. Anyone can have sexually frustrating periods in their relationship; HIV status has nothing to do with that. Just because my particular frustrations were the result of coping with things like the necessity of protected sex and the side effects of medications my husband took certainly doesn't mean that the best course of action was to just throw in the towel and look for "other fish." It's a fairytale to believe that no relationship will have problems and face challenges. I pity anyone who gives advice based on how easy something is versus how worthwhile it is.
I don't regret one moment with my husband. But it's true that it?s not easy, and it's not right for everyone. I still get scared every time I have to get tested. I still hate that I have to have protected sex with my husband. I hate that he has to take twelve pills a day, and that his medications make it harder to maintain erections. I hate that one day, we?ll have to jump through myriad hoops to conceive children. And because I know how hard it can be, and how much fortitude it takes, I would NEVER encourage anyone to enter into a magnetic relationship without first grappling with some very hard questions and doing some serious soul-searching ? and preparing themselves for a roller coaster no matter how much preparation they?ve done. I am happy that eriona assessed the situation and was honest enough to know it wasn?t for her.
And though I am very glad that eriona decided not to pursue a relationship with her HIV+ ex because it's clear it's not what she wanted, I do bristle at the sentiment that it's "not worth the risk" and "there are more fish in the sea." How often I've heard those exact sentiments from people who purport to have my best interests at heart but who, deep down, are governed by fear and ignorance. And I've seen how damaging that thinking can be to people living with HIV. I get really tired of explaining that HIV isn't dirty and it's not the end of the world; that it's a chronic, communicable disease that, if contracted, must be managed very diligently. And I get sick of explaining ? again and again and again, ad nauseum, ad infinitum ? the reasons I married my husband instead of just finding some ?other fish.? I get sick of getting crucified when I try to ask for a bit of advice because I ?signed up for it? and therefore have no right be have a normal relationship with ups and downs like everyone else. And more than anything, I get tired of still having to explain ? after decades of PSAs and health education - that it's ok to hug someone with HIV. It?s ok to let them play with your kids and eat at your table. And it's ok to fall in love with them, to marry them, to have children with them. That it?s ok to treat them like human beings instead of biohazards. But I suppose I'm wasting my breath explaining those things to people who so easily dismiss relationships like mine as foolish or not worthwhile. After all, there are more fish in the sea.
So you'd normally move on from a marriage because of a little frustration in the sex department?