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Help! I can't keep my house clean
I'm beyond frustrated at this point. I constantly tell my DW and DD to pick up after themselves (DD is better at it than DW!) but it just doesn't happen. I am a SAHM and every day is filled with cleaning, not just light cleaning but lots of laundry, dishes, picking up other peoples stuff, cleaning up dog poo in the yard, litter boxes in the house, etc.
DD is good at keeping her room clean (for a 6 year old) and helps to pick up the rest of the house when I give her specific directions. She also begrudgingly picks up the dog poo in the yard when I ask her to, this was supposed to be DW's chore since they are her dogs but she says I always need to remind her to do it, that her ADD makes her forget (same with feeding the dogs).
DW is a whole different story... She is driving me nuts with her lack of motivation to keep the house tidy. I remind her not to leave her dirty dishes on the counter and she still puts them there or I find them left on some other surface throughout the house (mostly cups or bowls). She leaves piles of mail everywhere and then forgets about them. If she is making food and drops something or spills a little bit she leaves it there. I don't let her do the dishes because I don't like to find food still stuck to my "clean" dishes, I don't mind doing the dishes so it's not a big deal.
Our bedroom is the worst... She throws her dirty clothes in a pile in the bay window area next to my hamper (she has a small laundry basket but it's disappeared in the pile) and she won't do laundry for weeks. I end up tripping over all her clothes when I get out of bed (my side is next to the windows) and when I tell her that she needs to do laundry she complains that she doesn't have time and I end up doing them because I'm tired of looking at the pile and tripping over it.
What can I do to combat the clutter? I'm tired of being the only adult who cleans and picks up after herself.
Re: Help! I can't keep my house clean
74 books read in 2011
She doesn't work FT, she does about 30-35 hours a week. When I was the only one working (40+ hours) she expected me to come home and help cook dinner, do dishes, do my own laundry, generally help out around the house. Her excuse for not doing the same for me is that she works harder; I had an administrative job that kept me on my feet at least 25% of the day and she works in the food service industry, is on her feet all day.
Two Mommies Healing Hearts
AND... I run a custom cake business out of my home and at times am working more than 8 hours a day on a cake, on my feet the entire time. I work too, just not an everyday job.
Two Mommies Healing Hearts
So, what exactly are you looking for? Just an excuse to vent about your poor, poor filthy home?
Look, my H isn't very good about cleaning up after himself. I knew that going in and I didn't really expect it to change. However, over time, he has taken over some chores (laundry, mainly) because he doesn't like the way I do them. Go figure.
I don't think anyone is going to give you any answers that you like or will want to hear.
Not looking for an excuse to vent, looking for a way to get DW to help me. My house isn't filty by the way, just full of piles of crap that my DW leaves everywhere.
DW kept our apartment clean when she was the SAHM, we've since moved into a house and she started working and refuses to help clean.
Just want to see if anyone can give me tips that might get her to help. I don't want to be a nagging wife and I difinitely don't want to be a maid.
Two Mommies Healing Hearts
Hmm, well, I guess I don't really have any suggestions. I know if H were here all day and was a SAHH then I would certainly expect him to do the lion's share of the housework. I do more around here in the summers when I'm off from teaching (but when I'm in classes in the summer, I tend to do the same I do during the regular school year).
We've found a reasonable balance over time. I do all the little things he doesn't think about (dusting, for instance) and he does the big things, like mowing, vacuuming, and laundry. The rest of it we both just kind of do as we see it is needed.
I have made it a point to really praise H when he does help with cleaning chores, like when he empties the dishwasher. Little things like that make my day, and I make sure he knows that. Maybe your DW just needs a reason to do it other than to avoid being nagged. If she realized how it makes you feel to have help, then maybe she would be more likely to help?
One thing that really helps in our home is having list of things that need to be done. Also, doing things together. I may not be able to help much when I have DH do projects around the house but he has pointed out that he really enjoys me being there to keep him company while he works on something.
HTH
She hasn't been on meds in about 2 1/2 years (before we got married and lived together) and she won't go back on them. She says they make her too sleepy and out of it. I'm not sure at this point if she is using her ADD as an excuse to get out of helping... I understand what ADD is and that it seriously affects those who have it so I'm not saying that people use it as an excuse but she tends to throw her ADD out there with stuff she doesn't want to do. I've tried to get her in a routine with feeding the dogs and cleaning up after them by reminding her every morning. Same with putting her dishes in the sink, I have gently reminded her and made my displeasure apparent.
Two Mommies Healing Hearts
I normally lurk, but I can understand your frustration as DH & I have this very issue. Right down to his dogs and cats and yet I have to do all the pet care even though brushing/dehairing them sends me into allergy h***. He has been out of work since April and yet I was still doing all the cleaning, organizing, childcare, and yardwork. At one point, we had a contest each week as I was appealing to his competitive nature. This time I had had it, and he found a new (better) therapist to work on his issues (including immaturity & possible depression or mood disorder) and who has helped with my trying to get him to take his diabetes more seriously (better blood sugar balance = better health = more energy and less crabby). Sooo, the point of that is that if it really bothers you maybe you two can see a neutral party to help you mediate or maybe she can try a different low dose medication to help her ADD. I will say I disagree with other posters and that to me what you are talking about sounds like BASIC picking up/cleaning up and common courtesy to others in the house - not major cleaning! A person should put things back or where they go, clean up their own messes, and remember to care for their pets (what did she do before you? She made the commitment to them, she should help with the care!) Other than comiserating with you, my suggestions would be:
* Have household rules that all 3 of you must follow written out and posted with established consequences - maybe if it doesn't just seem like you are targeting her, she will be more receptive.
* Write each person's daily/weekly chores out and have a spot to check them off - having things in writing so no one can use the "I forgot" card.
* Can you place everything she leaves laying around into a big basket/rubbermaid container so she can see how much she actually does leave around?
* I would move her laundry bin to her side or the closet or out of site. I let DH run out of clothes completely (he goes through a ridiculous amount of clothing in a day and has enough to go over a month). I have also done the "if it is left out of place, it is gone" and anything he left laying around got put into a box (he likes to leave his clothes/shoes/bowls/etc wherever he is done with them - kitchen, living room, bathroom, whatever). Some may say this is petty, but he seemed to get how much cleaner things stayed and how much he was missing.
* Positive reinforcements - when she does help, thank her and try to leave it be how she does it, even if it isn't how you would do it.
* Maybe have clean up time each night where all 3 of you do your chores before having family time or relaxing time.
* Can you bargain with her and meet her part way - ask her to put her stuff in the sink and wipe down messes and you would wash it without complaint, ask her to get her clothes in the hamper/basket and you can throw it in for her when it is full? I know it may not be fair, but I have found giving in on some little things helps me get him to stick to the ones I really want/need him to do.
* As for clutter, this is something I am really tackling in our house and have been talking about in my blog. I am going to update this week because I have made a lot of headway - my initial response would be have a place for everything, handle things as soon as possible so you don't have projects/to-dos laying around, and have a basket or something to place things that you can carry around to put away each day. Not sure what kind of clutter you are most worried about, but check out my blog this week if you get time - maybe it will give you inspiration, hope, or make you realize your place isn't so bad.
I understand where you are coming from having similiar problems in my house (right down to what expectations were when roles were reversed and I worked full time +)...good luck!
(sorry for any errors/spelling mistakes - spell check isn't working for me)
You've talked about everything she doesn't do, but what DOES she do? Is she a total slob, or does she have some household work that she does and enjoys? Find out what's important to her and let her focus on that, and you focus on what's important to you.
I forgot to mention that H is ADHD, as well, so it can be difficult to get him to do stuff.
He steam cleaned the carpets this afternoon, though! I think he likes doing the chores that he can either drag out (like laundry) or where he can see an immediate improvement (steam cleaning, mowing).
Honestly, she doesn't do much... We have a gardener (provided by LL) who does all the yardwork. She occasionally washes her clothes when I refuse to do them. That's about it. I wish cleaning something was important to her but it's not.
Two Mommies Healing Hearts
Two Mommies Healing Hearts
Then she should explore different meds. She can't use it as an excuse if she isn't receiving treatment.
Wow, that came off a bit harsh. Have you ever been a SAHM? Coming home after working and cleaning then is very different then constantly trying to pick up and clean after a child(ren) and "using" the home all day.
However, I do agree with some of what you're saying. OP, why don't you do all the laundry and dishes? If your DW is having a hard time doing it "all" and you're doing your own and your DDs, I would think it wouldn't be much more work for you to just add in your DWs stuff.
I think you need to discuss what both of your expectations are. What does she expect you to do and what do you expect her to do. DH and I have this convo. a lot because things change (his work load, extra baby in the house, larger house, etc..). We try to keep it relatively even and fair.
I consider it disrespectful to my "job" as a SAHM if DH uses me as a maid. That is not cool whether you SAH or not! I expect DH to sort his clothes in the hamper (darks and whites hamper) and to, at the very least, rinse off his dishes and put them in the sink (if the dishwasher is dirty). It's not like that takes much time. I do all the laundry and put stuff away. I do the dishes and put them away. But if DH has time, he happily puts stuff away too. It's really not that hard to throw clothes into a hamper instead of the floor. And doing laundry really doesn't take up that much time.
It seems like you need a good discussion of what you both expect and would like and compromise. Something like laundry piling up seems silly in the long run when you could easily add her laundry to yours, KWIM?
As far as for just you, do you have a cleaning schedule you go by? I've found it extremely helpful to me to stick to a routine. It makes things seem less overwhelming and things get done more efficiently and faster and it's much less stressful to me. GL!
I work parttime and am home more often than my H, who works FT and often leaves the house at 6:45 if not earlier. And I do most of the housework. No, I'm not nuts about it and yes, sometimes I do have work that I have to do at home, but it's how it goes - s/he who is home, does more of the work. Or, well, at least that's how it usually is - it works out the best, I think.
As for your DW, is she willing to help and it's just a matter of how she does it (the dishes, for example), or is she just unwilling to be a part of the housekeeping? Because those are two very different issues.
If she's willing and just "forgets" because of her ADD (really? Hm), then make her a HoneyDo list and stick it somewhere she'll see it for sure. If she's unwilling, then you have other problems and one of them is that she just doesn't want to make a fair and appropriate contribution to the upkeep of your home. And that's not something I can advise you on...
I don't care if she's working FT or not, an adult should be able to pick up after themselves. It's absurd to expect the one that SAH to provide what amounts to maid service just because they're home.
Maybe a whiteboard with daily tasks on it so that she'll remember and you don't have to remind her about every little thing. Clean up yard, feed dogs, sort mail, clothes in hamper, gather dishes from around the house, etc.
It just seems like she's really taking you for granted and you keep doing it for her, so it's working for her. I like a lot of the tips from a pp (can't see it right now, but the long one.)
You need to have a talk, or possibly just stop doing everything until you get to the point where you talk. The spilling stuff and not cleaning it up is just really disrespectful, in my opinion.
I agree. I SAH and my DH works anywhere from 40-60 hours per week outside of the home. He still has his own set of responsibilities, and he helps where need be. I'm a stay at home mom, not a maid. I am constantly cleaning up, cooking, laundry, etc - it's what I spend most of my day doing. But it doesn't mean that my DH can just come home and flop on the couch while I work around him.
I agree that maybe a white board with chores on it may suit you well. Especially for your DD. How old is she? She may need a reward system to help. Nothing huge, just small rewards to let her know you appreciate her help with the house.
DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac
I don't think SAHM's get offended at the idea that we should be doing the majority of the cleaning and cooking. To me, as a SAHM, that's my "job". I think the problem is when the spouse does not have the courtesy to clean up after themselves. There's a very big difference between me doing the dishes and laundry for my DH vs. having to pick up his trash that is left all over the house or having to pick up pieces of clothing from all over the bathroom and bedroom floor. That is not my job. It is his responsibility to pick up after himself and have respect for me. Leaving sh!t everywhere is disrespectful IMO and what a teenager does if the parents allow it, not an adult. That is the part SAHM's get "offended" about.
As a SAHM, my "job" is to be with my child...not be a maid for my DH. I would be very upset if he was leaving dishes around, throwing clothes on the floor, etc.
Now, being a SAHM does mean I do almost all of the cleaning, laundry, shopping and cooking because I am home. But the minute DH expected that from me and just figured I would clean up his sh*t all the time is about the same minute he would get a swift kick in the ass!
From reading everything you said, she didn't do this when you were working before and it sounds like she is doing it on purpose...either testing your limits or believes you should take care of it since you SAH. Sounds like a heart-to-heart is in order and a cleaning schedule that you can both agree on.