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Got in a big fight yesterday :( I just need to rant, just ignore, super long too
And now it really seems like everything was the exact same as it was before we got married. I mean, I don't think it's been that different, but we've been so extra extra happy and in love and everything...and then yesterday was just lame.
We fought about sex, money, and everything else. Like living with my parents. But we don't have jobs, so we can't move out. Etc. He's mad we're living here, because if we were in Reno, he could've gone to some going away party last night....really? So then I say something about giving up one party whereas I'm giving up my entire life to be with him coming up because he's in the military. I know I shouldn't have said that, but when he complains about a stupid party seriously?
So then he went on about how he has missed the last five years of his "old life" with his family and everything else to be with me...I didn't ask him to go to college with me or any of that. He could have gone where ever he wanted, but we wouldn't have made it this far. And that since I don't go party, he's had to miss out on 100's of parties in college because of me, etc. etc. And I'm like no....that's not how it is. It used to be I'd get really jealous and I wouldn't want him to go because I just felt like he'd get so drunk he wouldn't know what he was doing and he'd cheat. It was immature but that's how I felt (this was like freshman/soph year of college.
But we broke up for awhile because we kept fighting and when we got back together, I got a lot better. And especially after my senior year of college, I was great about it. But he assumed I'd get mad, so he just wouldn't go to a party, but I had no idea, and then he'd get mad he wasn't doing anything....I'm like, if you want to go, go. Have a great time. Don't drive my car drunk and we're good. But he'd say noooo you would've gotten mad. NO I WOULDN'T HAVE! I don't care. But because of the way I acted three/four years ago he's just assuming I'm going to act that way now. So he just avoids things like that, but then blames me....I'm like seriously, go to a f*cking party, see how I react, I don't care! I swear.
But now we're not in Reno. He has no friends here. I have a few from high school. My best friend is here, she def doesn't drink or anything and she works nights....my other really good friend is married with two kids and they live 45 minutes away....so I only see her every two weeks or so. But they fight about money all the time, so they don't go out and do anything fun.
So hubby was in one of those moods yesterday where no matter what I said or did, he was going to be pissed off. So I'm making perfect sense (because he's being a total hypocrit!) and he jsut gets angrier and angrier.
We went out to kick a soccer ball around and get out of the house for a bit, and mind you'd I'd been sitting there for 10 minutes reading him a list of cheap and inexpensive stuff to do in the Sac/Roseville area...
And he says, "Do you want to do anything tonight?"
me "Sure babe! Did you have anything in mind?"
And he punts the soccer ball as hard as he can and goes on a rant on how he has to think up everything and why can't I f*cking decide something for once in my life, etc., etc.
Really? But he never comes up with stuff do. Except to ask if I want to go for a run, right after I've showered and spent 45 minutes straightening my hair....
It was one of those days. Ugh.
He was better last night...but I also fed him and sat in the living room watching Twilight by myself while he played video games.
My head hurts.
Re: Got in a big fight yesterday :( I just need to rant, just ignore, super long too
sounds like you both have to sit down and ask each other what one expects from the other. Also sounds like both of you are stressed with the living situation. I hope you two can figure something out, soon.
Wishing you the best of luck, lots of hugs. You two will be fine. Try not to point fingers at each other. A relationship is not about "I did this for you, so you have to do this." Or "I've sacrificed more than you" you'll run into a lot of fights if you keep that up
i agree, sit down and talk (and not at home). its sounds as though your job and living situations are starting to really be a strain on the two of you. it cannot be easy on either of you that you are living at home. all of the bonding that newly married couples share in private cannot be that private for the two of you. share what is bothering you without pointing fingers and accusing one another. communication is so important and is something that we need to work on all the time!
good luck! and try not to get down. vibes and hugs to you both!
yep, these ladies have given some great advice and i completely agree.
when you're arguing, it's not about one of you "winning". it's about you both "winning" together. saying things like "you you you" just gets the other person angry. talk to him about this in a calm tone next time you argue. he should completely understand. it helps to take a step back from the argument and see the whole picture. what is important? is the argument silly? sometimes it's easier for one person to realize this more than the other, but if you talk to him about this approach, maybe he will do it also. also use the word "we". like "we need to work on...blah blah blah" instead of saying "you need to work on..." because even though you are thinking "YOU!!!" in your head lol, it helps keep the other person calm by saying "we" because then they aren't isolated and wont just get more pissed off.
he seems to be blaming you for missing out on a ton of things in his life which isn't fair to you. hopefully talking to him about this in a different way will help you guys
jacqui + erik 7.10.10
**Planning Bio**
I agree with all PP's and it definitely sounds like you both need to talk. It also sounds like its mostly because of stress, which is understandable. Everyone isn't at their best when they are really stressed out. Hopefully you are able to work things out, and something happens soon with the living situation to make you both happier
Also keep in mind that everyone argues from time to time. Its supposed to be healthy for relationships to have arguments every now and then. I would just sit down and talk to him
We're OK now, I just had to vent this morning. I'm still upset and he seems fine. I just hate fighting like that.
We've had our little disagreements and such but this has been the BIG fight since we got married.
Bleh.
Fighting sucks. Oh well.
Big hugs for you, Kayla!! I hope you and Wes had a great breakfast together this morning and that you guys have an awesome day together. Enjoy this alone time that you two have.
My favorite teacher from high school wrote something in our wedding card that I will always remember. "In marriage, the sum of the two of you will be greater than you apart." I think that's so true. Whenever something goes wrong, fix it together. Live life together, be happy together, be sad together, be mad together. Things will get better
Thanks Ainslee. Breakfast was good. I made a special waffle recipe and he loved them.
We've been in separate rooms most of the morning doing our own thing but we keep going to visit each other and say hi so it's much better today.
I'm glad things are better Kayla. I totally understand your frustrations about living at home. We're still living with MIL and as much as we wish we were on our own, we'll be here until the end of the school year because we know at the end of it we'll be in a much better position. It can certainly cause some tension between you and your H, but try to realize that it's just the situation and not each other.
I know for us, we have our conversations about our future plans, money, etc when we're out of the house, like out to dinner or something. We've had a lot of discussions about what each of our ideal plan for the next year is. Then we discuss and meet in the middle. Or come up with a Plan A and a Plan B. It really helps when both of you are on the same page about your future - especially when your present situation isn't ideal.
One of the things we discussed during our marriage prep classes was how to fight fair. I have the list of the 10 points to keep in mind when fighting - its in my planning bio. They're all common sense things, but sometimes everyone just needs a reminder!
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