Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
What is wrong with me?
I'm engaged to be married to a man that I love very much and enjoy being with.
But last year I was diagnosed with skin cancer and had a few very intense surgeries. My body is dented, scarred, cut up, sore, and ugly.
When my fianc? touches me, I get all nervous and I feel overwhelmed. It's not necessarily when we're being intimate either, it can just be a general hug. I know he's not with me for my body and doesn't care how I look... but I feel like, deep down, he DOES and I feel disgusting.
He thinks that I'm not attracted to him anymore which is NOT the case, because he's all that I think about, the only man that I want to be with. But I have no sex-drive anymore...... and I'm only 23.
Do you think that I should talk to someone about this? I'm just concerned that my pushing away of sexual activity is going to push him away from me.
Re: What is wrong with me?
Absolutely.
The way you feel is understandable. How good you feel about yourself is absolutely going to play into your sex life. If you don't feel sexy, you're going to feel icky when someone touches you in a sexual way, even if you love and are attracted to that person. It's a confidence issue. Not to belittle your situation in ANY way (because I do genuinely feel for you), but if I'm having a fat day, I don't feel being touched. I don't feel sexy, so I can't feel sexual.
I think a therapist could do you a lot of good. They could help you come around to loving yourself again and seeing past your physical imperfections.
Also, keep your SO in the loop. Tell him everything you said here. It sounds like you may have brushed him off with a general "It's not you, it's me," which doesn't give him the big picture.
I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through all of that during your engagement when this time in your life is suppose to be filled with so much joy!
to being with - I do think you should talk to someone before you close off completly to the man you love the most. The more time you wait, the harder it will be to redeem this time.
Have you spoken to your hubby abouy how you feel? Being transparent with him might be a good idea as he probably knows it takes physical and emotional strenght to go through something like you have..
And girl, if he is ready to marry you it's because he cannot stand to be without you and no one can put any better skin on the women he loves so much!
Don't let lies creep into your thoughts and don't let your mind say anything to you that he hasn't even though of! It really can become self-induced mind torture. Just know that he loves you!
A counsellor would be able to help you work through your issues.
I think your reactions are pretty understandable and a good counselor could help you with these.
Best of luck to you.
i have not had skin cancer but i have had intense surgeries. my body is also cut up and sore, mostly from a bad car accident. my face is totally different now and that is a big issue im dealing with now.
i went through a 'don't touch me' point that lasted about 2 months. it would feel like a panic attack& i would have a mini freak out. he thought it was because i wasnt attracted to him/ hated him also. i was 23 when i went through my accident and my don't touch me thing. im 24 now. i felt like a monster and how could he still love me etc.
what i did was talk to him about it and it was a really good idea. to get out of my funk we would lie on the floor and meditate with our feet touching, it started small but for some reason that really helped and calmed me down.
you are both still the same people and that is important to remember. so i think you should talk to him about it, where-ever your most comfortable: bathtub, livingroom floor in the dark, backyard...
everyone wants me to see a therapist too.. but i just want to buy my house.
stay brave!!
Yes, I think you should talk to someone!
H and I have been having this problem for a little over a year....I have no sex drive. He thinks I'm not attracted to him. He's even asked if I was sleeping with someone else, just because I show no interest in him. He knows I never would, but he was at such a loss.
I've been trying to be better, and I just switched BC to see if that helps with my hormones or something...but yes, talk to someone.
There are other things to fight about in a relationship and marriage, sex shouldn't be one of them.