Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
@ how have you changed?
I was talking to a good friend of mine about how I couldn't believe my little girl was already 7 months old and all the changes that came about.
So for the moms, besides the big life changes, what are the unexpected ways you changed after having a baby? Or do you think you didn't change much at all?
For me, my tolerance for noise is gone. I grew up in big cities, loving the hustle and bustle, and never noticed it, but after months of taking DD for naps in her stroller, I am even annoyed by city noise when she isn't with me.
I also used to love horror movies and now can not stand to watch them, and now have a really hard time watching dramas where children are hurt. I'm starting to wonder how it will be when I go back to school social work because so many of those stories were already heart-wrenching.
And I've had to open up my social circle to people that before I normally probably wouldn't hang out with much because they have babies the same age as mine and speak English. Except for one horrible experience, it's been very positive and I'm a bit sorry I didn't reach out to the expat community here earlier.
Re: @ how have you changed?
I probably could write a book, but here are a few of my changes.
I am far more sensitive to any news stories about harm to children.
I have more patience than I ever thought I could, although my Type A personality still requires some semblance of order. I can't say that I'm always a saint with my kids.
I've simultaneously become much more and much less judgmental of other parents. It depends upon the particular issue.
I've learned how to make do with little to no sleep.
Politically, I've become much more concerned about the state of the world because I now have a vested interest in the future. I've become much more fiscally conservative, because I don't want my children to pay the price for the insanity of the Bush administration. At the same time, I've become more socially liberal because I want my children to have every opportunity in life without being held back by others in any way.
I don't need much sleep.
When I see people who do irresponsible things with their children it burns me up. For example, lately on my way to pick up DS from daycare, I have noticed the same man riding his young daughter on a bike on the busy streets during rush hour. I am okay with riding your kid on a bike, BUT he did not have a helmet on her nor did he wear one himself. I want to kick him.
I have learned to really like restaurants based on how they treat customers with kids.
I find myself spending more time with my friends that have kids than those that don't.
I definitely agree with IIOY's statement: I've simultaneously become much more and much less judgmental of other parents. It depends upon the particular issue.
I am more content with my work situation because it provides me with the flexibility I want now that I am a parent.
Thanks for sharing, my friends.
This is so interesting for us TTC-ers.
Ditto to what the other moms have said.
That patience thing is a biggie and it only gets harder again when they reach the teenage years!
I'll also add I worry more. Finding that balance of knowing it is time for them to learn things on their own and you can't protect them from everything in the world. So all you can do is worry and pray!
Change is inevitable. However, you can still do the same things you did before with kids, it just requires a lot more planning. There are two weekend getaways that my girlfriends do every summer. I went to both of them and had a great time. The only thing different was that I was still nursing still and I had to take a breast pump. It was inconvenient at times, but it did not keep me from going and my friends were more than understanding about the 15 - 20 minute break I needed.
A big reason why I can still do a lot of things I did previously is because of how involved my husband is. It allows us both to take time for ourselves and spend time with our friends. I thought this was the norm, but evidently after lurking some on other Nest boards and talking to people at work there are a lot of moms who feel unable to leave their child with their husbands for anything more than an hour or two. Set this precedent early. Your husband will do some things differently from you but it is okay as long as he doesn't break the baby. If they feel confident as a parent it is better for the whole family.
The part we are still working on is how to find time to do things together outside of the home. We do not have a set babysitter yet. I have friends that come over once in awhile to give us a night out, but it is nowhere near the consistency we would like it to be. We try to have "date night" at home after DS goes to bed and carve out time to watch a movie or play games, but it is not the same as getting dressed up to go to a nice restaurant and maybe a lounge to listen to music, etc.
-I'm much more organized and far less cluttered. I've gotten really good at getting rid of clothes we don't wear, the stupid "sentimental" stuff (things like cards and whatnot, that truly aren't worth holding on to), etc.
-My worry and anxiety issues blew up after having Marisa, to the point where I had to ask for help. Asking for help was hard, but the best thing I've ever done.
-I love my DH even more than I did before--watching him become this amazing father is just awesome.
-I appreciate my friends more, since it's harder to get together spur of the moment.
-My patience level has grown (not enough, though), I value silence more than I used to (a silent drive is awesome!).
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home D
Could he take paternity leave from his work? I do not have kids, and we go back and forth all the time on whether we even want kids. But if we do, he will most likely take paternity leave around the time that I go back to work.
I read an essay not that long ago (can't remember the author, sorry) discussing the role of maternity leave in contributing to the second shift. Basically, the author's theory was that the mom was home all day with the baby for weeks after the birth, so she learns a lot about baby - what his schedule is, what his cries mean, what soothes him, etc. Then mom goes back to work. Mom winds up taking on the primary childcare responsibilities because she already knows more about baby than dad does. The author's idea was not to eliminate maternity leave, but rather, was to normalize the use of paternity leave. The idea is that if dad has that same all-day exposure to baby that mom has, then it will be easier to share parenting duties more equally. She didn't have data to back up this assertion, but it makes sense intuitively. (I'm not sure paternity leave is used widely enough yet to have any real data.)
Unfortunately, even when men are entitled to paternity leave, many companies have a culture that is not supportive of them using it.
I don't know how we'll handle things if we have kids, but my answer to the issue of "perfect house wife" was to say fuckit. We share cleaning, shopping, and cooking responsibilities; in fact, he probably does more than me because of our work schedules. We are both very career-oriented people, and I made it clear to him at the beginning of the relationship that I just won't give up everything to be a wife and mom. He'll have to make sacrifices, too. I know I'm all "radical," and I've been called a "feminazi" (don't even get me started on the offensiveness of that term), but I just don't believe that women have to be the primary caregivers for children. I'm very interested in "shared parenting," as I've heard it called. Who knows how this will work out in practice.
I don't think I have changed, really. Our lives have changed so much.
I do get more emotional about kids in the news who suffer.
DH and I have a very strong relationship and worked out most of our kinks before our boys arrived. I think this makes a huge difference. Twins can make you crazy if you let it (venture over to the multiples board for evidence) or you can embrace the chaos and have fun. That's what DH and I do. We are totally equals when it comes to parenting and my boys are bonded to DH as much as me. I swear twins are easier in many ways than a single baby. Instant playmates!
The thing is, my life as a single gal or a DINK is over. But what I have is so hysterically fun, I don't mind! The house is a mess, DH and I can't jump in the car and go for a romantic weekend on a whim.....but we do wisk the kids off to San Diego or the zoo!
I'm loving reading the responses in this thread!
?
Obviously I'm a newbie and have only been a mom for 6 days, but I'm amazed at the depth of my emotions towards this little creature. I never realized I could love someone or something SO much - it scares me sometimes, worrying about her and having this feeling like if something happened to her, I would simply have no choice but to die myself. It's kind of incredible to suddenly have these unbelievably intense feelings for another little person, to feel like there's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for her. I know it sounds so cliche, but I guess it's cliche for a reason. ?